To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

Frankly I think the ship has sailed. If your son doesn't want to spend Christmas with you, you can hardly expect your DIL to.

Since it sounds like nothing is going to change at the other end you really need to deal with the latent resentment. Perhaps do something else - like go somewhere at Easter for instance rather than hang about waiting for them. Or just enjoy Christmas for what it is.

Big holidays are so stressful for families could you do New Year or a completely different time of year. Something in the summer might be welcomed.

OP, I do feel for you, but...my Dad was always the Boxing Day house because I couldn't bear being with my step-mum on Christmas Day. It reminded me of everything I had lost. Christmas Day with my mum was magical and it reminded me that I can't have that any more and that my children would never know her. My kids also call her by her Christian name. She is not their grandmother. Again, it's not about her but about the fact that my mum didn't get to be called Nanny.

I would not take her money though. DH's parents help us with uni accommodation (DS is in Kensington and it's eye-wateringly expensive). I absolutely would not expect the same from step-mum.

My Dad died this year so step mum will be spending Boxing Day with her own family. We're going to see her end of November time to catch up. Geographically, we're a couple of hours away, otherwise I would see her more.

I think she's a lovely woman but I wish I'd never met her because that would mean my mum was still here. From my pov it is absolutely nothing personal, although I imagine it might feel that way for her.

I have never got over losing my mum when I was young. I thought it was just normal grief but when my Dad died it was totally different - really sad but not the decades of trauma I have experienced after losing mum.

Don’t young/ youngish couples with children just do their own thing with their own family anymore? I can’t imagine having to drag my kids anywhere other than their own house on Christmas Day. In answer to your question OP I think Boxing Day is fine, stop putting pressure on them to please everyone, they could be ‘miserable’ like us and not go to anyone.

People are banging on about Christmas but that doesn’t explain Easter.

It is unusual for there to be zero alternation of any kind. Even if the alternation is few couple of years.

Yes, I’d be hurt.

You say ‘it’s fine’ a lot. But its clearly not fine and I feel like it’s all a little passive aggressive on your end. You need to use your words and speak up when things bother you rather than simmering and resenting things.
if you’ve never said that you mind being the ‘Boxing Day house’ how is anyone to know it bothers you?! Maybe they think you like it better they way.
The granny thing…her mum should be their granny and she died. I can totally see why she is sensitive about that, I think you need to let that go.

I think Christmas is a complicated time for people with divorced parents, and your family do have a way to see everybody over Christmas.

Have you asked about joining your step-daughter and her husband at your in-laws for Christmas. Is that an option?

If she doesn't want to travel on Christmas day with children, could you do the journey instead?

I just wanted to say I’m really sorry you feel less important to your step daughter than her mother in law. That must hurt since you contribute so much to her children and have known her so long. On the other hand, try to reduce any expectations of her and enjoy her company and her children. A close relationship will naturally follow. Please don’t force any use of the word grandmother or granny. I know how this could feel for her as I lost my own mother at a young age and it’s not something that is easily navigated.

If you know your SD doesn’t like you, why would you expect that she’d want to share her Christmas Day with you? I feel
sorry for you son. He’s open to spending more time with you but you don’t want him to come over on Christmas Eve because your husbands daughter isn’t coming? That is so hurtful to him and his family! Why aren’t they good enough to see on their own? Why is it essential for the children to see each other? Don’t your son and his wife and their children matter just for who they are?

Why would your son and DIL prioritise you over her family on Christmas Day when you don’t even want them unless your step daughter is around too?

If your SD would have been supported to pay her children’s school fees with or without you in a relationship with her father, you have no reason to expect personal gratitude directed at you for it. Maybe she feels that it’s just her children benefitting from what their grandmother left behind. Is it rawly you that’s making the difference to her children being able to attend private school, or would they be doing that regardless of the relationship her father chose after her mother died?

You also have no business feeling hurt at not being called grandma or whatever. I’m am honestly astounded that anyone would be so self centred as to post that. This is a woman who lost her mother very young, who has to cope with the pain of not having her mother by her side as she had her own children, to know that neither her mother or children will ever know each other, yet you want her to have to hear her children call their fathers new wife Granny? Honestly, you need to give your head a huge wobble on that one.

Make a lovely thing of being the Boxing Day or Easter Monday house and make it more chilled and enjoyable than Christmas Day or Easter Sunday. Enjoy your lovely relaxed Christmases and Easters without ever having that stress of the big meal.

It's really hard trying to please everyone, I keep telling my mother in law we are spending Christmas at home and she doesn't seem to take it in? We've gone there every Christmas day afternoon for the past ten years, we have a little one now. When I say we are not going she will say just come for an hour, when she's done this previous years she does a whole buffet and forces us to stay. She also invites other people, the house is small so there's not enough seats or space and there grandad dictates the TV so the kids can't watch anything Christmasy. We invite her to ours and she said they would rather be at home 🤣

I have a few points and I will try and be kind, please do take this in the spirit it is intended.

How much non-financial effort do you make the rest of the year? Do you meet, in a low key way, at the weekend? Do you text on special days like the first day at school, do you babysit occasionally? Because, if other "grandparents" do so, they are probably first on the list for important dates - partly because they'll be more important to the kids, but also because there is a proximity there - in July when the idea was casually floated - a present grandparents is able to just say "you can come here for Christmas if you like" without it being a thing.

Is going to your house a child-centric experience? Rightly or wrongly these days, children are increasingly seen as having the right to actively enjoy and participate in special days - gone are the 1990s days of a colouring book and a Tizer while the adults chat.

Have you offered to go to them on Boxing Day? You could even make a new tradition like it's a PJ day or you turn up with a takeaway.

As a mum to young children, I am often knackered and prone to taking the path of least resistance. To reframe it, I think it is lovely that your respective children make the effort to travel to see you over the Christmas period. Their lifestyles sound pretty knackering (and expensive). I do think you'll catch more flies with honey than vinegar - being accommodating without being a doormat is likely to strengthen the relationship. However, try not to forget how hard it was / is having little kids and the weight of expectation. I do think you've been harder on the females in this scenario than the males, though that might be because it is your son so of course you cut him more slack!

You said in your OP you go to church on Christmas Day though so DS being a Christian now is not a problem surely? Your DS and DSD don’t need to come to yours at the same time, work on DS separately. It doesn’t sound like you’ve actually invited them tbh.

Either you’re happy to have the Christmas Day that suits you, as you said in your OP, or you’re not, as your thread overall suggests. Mixed messages. Be clear and maybe you’ll get what you want :)

I can’t believe how many have voted YABU.

IMO, YANBU because these things should alternate year on year, and you give them a significant amount of money each month for school fees! I would be mad. You’re not a piggy bank! You’re a person with feelings.

I wouldn’t push this either. Fine to vent on here and feel cross but I would just make the best of it and appreciate seeing all your family. Have a lovely day and don’t let that resentment build. From their point of view doing the rounds at Xmas IS exhausting with small children. We have opted to stay at home the last five years as everyone is so tired from school and work ..you don’t want that either. Be grateful for the visits, make a fuss and have a great time. The better the time you have, the more you will see them in general.

I wouldn't bring the money you give into it. You aren't buying their time - it makes it all sound very transactional.

What? All that money and not one iota of responsibility

OP what don’t you visit the daughter in boxing day? Why don’t you nip in Christmas morning when they are up, why not go and play with the kids?

You can do Christmas eve with your son, you can bake with the kids, play games and have a good time.

See SD Christmas morning and have boxing day to recover.

Mention it to your DS. It may just have fallen into a pattern where you don’t do much as they are not visiting on Christmas Day so he doesn’t see Christmas at your house as a big deal.

Give the GC their presents on Boxing Day if that is the day you see them.

Anything else you can/want to add on and offer to GC? An advent day decorating the tree, with a Christmas Movie? Christmas Eve dinner - some wonderful Scandinavian traditions?

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If fed up being the boxing day/easter mionday family then only you can change that. Its tough though isnt it. If you speak up you might be ostracised. If you arent good enough to be granny id say your money isnt good enough either. Id sack that. She is being mean to you. Even when parents separate, where new "gran" is long term witj grandad, then granny get the title. Its not disrespecting her late mother. You will have a loooooooong period of being unhappy about this so.please do something about it. The kids will quickly adapt to using your new title.

If I was you I would be happy to keep things as they are. Your stepdaughter is entitled to honour her mum’s precious memory in any way she wishes. If the gc’s call you granny it will keep reminding her of what her mother has missed. Some people never see any family at Xmas. And your friends are right to remind you that it is just one day. None of us knows what the future will bring but we do know that we will all experience loss of some kind. So appreciate and enjoy what you have right now.

Not much you can do about your stepdaughter, but I’d suggest talking to your DS one day and inviting him and his DW for Christmas Day; maybe he’d take the hint. We rotate the sets of parents invited to ours each year else it’s unfair.

If my stepdaughter was rude or not very warm to me I wouldn’t be paying for school fees. Your DH should pay all that himself, not take it out of joint money. That’s taking the mick.

You’d hate if I was your daughter/DIL, I’ve got 2 toddlers and Do Not Travel over Christmas. Whoever wants to come is welcome to but I’m not carting the kids around when they just want to be with their presents, in a place they’re comfortable. But that’s beside the point I guess, it sounds like your kids have gotten into a routine and it works for everyone, or so they thought…

Understandable you feel like you do.

Its not your job to facilitate the children’s relationships, wihich is distant at best at your own expense.

Organise for your ds and family to come Christmas Eve, your ds has already agreed. Make sure iIt is a magical and happy experience.

Take a day off and go out for lunch on Christmas Day and then see dsd on Boxing Day if that’s the only day she is prepared to cone.

It will mean a far longer and nicer festive period for you, and Christmas Eve is by the far the best day of Christmas! The anticipation and excitement is wonderful.

I also sense you pander to your dh often in this thread, he doesn’t ger to call all of the shots op, what about what you want to do? Please start asserting and meeting your own needs, you are just as important as everyone else. You are not ‘lucky’ to have him. You matter as well op.

Do you invite them to stay over or are you expecting them to drive 2 hours with young kids on one day?

Have you suggested you travel to a family friendly meal out near them instead?

Changing the account the money comes from would be a pointlessly argumentative waste of time given they pay the exact same amount of money to the OP's son for his children.

Maybe that’s the issue. They don’t think they’re important enough to see individually or that you don’t want to play with the children yourself. Perhaps they or the kids don’t like the choas of everyone meeting up.

It sounds like in the in-laws for both children simply do a better Christmas Day. If you & your husband prefer to go to a restaurant then that’s just a miserable way to do Christmas with young children.

My SIL always goes to her in-laws as they go all out for Xmas with loads of extended family around whereas her parents put on a very small formal meal, just the immediate family, and it’s frankly boring and dull for the children.