To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

Christmas causes so much angst doesn't it.

OP, I was the DIL travelling 4 hours, down to London for years on Xmas day to see a MIL who treated her son and grandchildren like royalty and me with contempt.

With hindsight I wish I had the courage to stand up for myself and say that Christmas was going to be with my own parents (30mins away), but it was easier to take the path of least resistance and she would have made my life hell all year, whilst my own lovely Mum and Dad would never have put any pressure on me.
It didn't mean that I loved her more, in fact I was terrified of her and hated being in her company.

With our own adult DC, DH and I have stressed that it's just one day, it's what happens the rest of the year that counts. There is no expectation that they are to visit us over the Xmas period at all. If they want to go off skiing (with or without their in-laws) that is absolutely fine with us.

They are seeing you on boxing day! That's a big day. Keep it light and fun, maybe book a panto or a trip to the zoo or something.

Nah I’d be livid if I was forking out that amount of money for someone who couldn’t hide their disdain for me. If you’re taking that much cash in handouts you bite your tongue and treat the recipient like a queen. Unless you’re a spoilt brat of course, which it sounds like the daughter is. Hopefully her daughters do see you as their grandma as well.

Also boxing day is 100% the best day in my opinion! I absolutely refuse to go anywhere on boxing day!

Grandchildren are not pay-per-view. It's distasteful to mention the financial contribution alongside the visiting arrangements.

Rather than edit my post again, I want to make it clear that it seems that the pecking order in who the current set-up seems to be:

Your sd
Your dh
Your son
You

If you were to have your ds and his family on Christmas day it would be:

You
Your ds
Your dh
Not sure where sd would fit in. Would she even care? Would she feel bad tgat her df is spending the day with your dgs?

I actually think you've got a pretty good deal if it's every boxing day and you get them all together. Ok every other Christmas day would be fairer but maybe less practical, and your son has 3 households to consider, so how would that work? Plenty of young families on here have Christmas just themselves, or do every other year with family and don't see the other side at all those years. In my family adult siblings never spend Christmas together anymore because we are both on opposite 'every other years' to each other to ensure parents see someone each year (and because travelling involved in some cases that usually includes boxing day as well). So I can see the benefits of doing it your way instead if you want a big get together.

For Easter, it isn't even a big family get together for all families in the same way Christmas is. We do every other year with parents at Christmas but it's never occured to us to have a similar set up at easter, we just treat it like any other bank holiday and do what is convenient that year, often not seeing any family.

Your DS's dad has a much worse deal than you if he doesn't see his son and grandchildren until new years day every single year.

Your children were already adults when you got together, so you can't expect them to see you as parental figures, and it's very insensitive to suggest you sdil's children should call you granny. My dh has done his best to accept his mum's new partner after his dad's death, but I know he would never, ever see him as the kid's grandparent or want them to call him grandad. Ok your son doesn't mind, but he hasn't lost a parent.

Talking of my in laws, they actually don't usually spend Christmas day together, because they each go and visit their own grandchildren. They celebrate together another time. Would that be an option if you really want Christmas day?

If you want to change it, talk to your son and focus on what you are doing with him. Leave arrangements with your step daughter to dh, who sounds happy as things are.

I would absolutely love to be the Boxing Day House or the Easter Monday house, we are the after thought house, a quick drop in a week or so before Christmas to collect presents, FaceTime on the day with dil's family all there, as they are on Boxing Day and for New Year....... We are the "holiday dog care" house, it's bloody hard especially as by the time next Christmas rolls around I will be a granny. I am desperately trying to set my expectations but it isn't easy.

I think you're lucky they do the day after regularly to be honest. A drive with kids isn't very merry. Why don't you go to them?

It could be as simple as them not wanting the kids to miss out on two hours of Christmas day through travelling. My mum lives an hour away and I always see her on Christmas eve rather than Christmas day. I just don't want to travel anywhere I can't use a taxi on Christmas. I like to have a couple of glasses of wine with Christmas dinner. My son hates being in the car. The offer is always open for her to pop over on Christmas day when we're home though.

YANBU to be hurt about this but if you want to be involved in your DGCs lives then fighting over special days is the quickest way to lose that involvement.

It is hard to feel second-best, but as other PPs have said, they probably don’t intend that and most likely don’t realise how resentful you have become about the arrangements.

I now from my own experience life can turn on a sixpence and while it feels like these arrangements are set forever, the reality is they won’t be. Instead of focusing on Christmas and Easter, look at other ways you can enjoy time with your family. Having DGCs during school holidays, or booking a special event (with loads of notice) to celebrate special days such as milestone birthdays of you and your DH. And wise advice from other PPs about making sure you are gently keeping in touch. Text messages on important days for the DGCs, flowers on birthdays, perhaps even old fashioned letters. All of these show you are thinking of them through the year.

One last thing. In your mind, please separate out the paying fees aspect. I’m sure you mean it as a gift and the best gifts come without conditions. If you are very wealthy (and I suspect you may be) this is a great way to pass on wealth to the next generation.

Totally agree with this. I have a much stronger bond with my MIL than I do with my step-mum for exactly that reason.

The bit you're being unreasonable about IMO is emphasising in your OP that the money you give your DSD comes from a joint pot. That's misleading, isn't it, because you later tell us that your DS gets the same from the joint pot. So it wouldn't make any difference if you and DH paid it from separate pots - you would still be contributing the same amount.

Leaving that aside and focusing on the Christmas thing. DH and I see my parents and his on alternate years, so I do understand why you have that expectation and I agree with you that's the fairest way. My brother however always spends it with his in laws, otherwise his wife would be upset, so I also know that all families have their own ways of doing it. Your post explaining about the cabs / distance etc does make a lot of sense.

That was a long winded way of saying: I think YANBU to feel a bit upset but probably best just to accept it and try to make Boxing Day a lovely day for you all.

DH and I are second tier family at Christmas. It doesn't seem to bother him that DSS only seem to get in touch when they want something. Last Christmas I spent all day beforehand preparing food that I had spent a fortune on and TBH, they made it pretty clear that they didn't really want to be with us. I'm not doing that again and am leaving the Christmas arrangements to DH.

I agree that you should try to invite your ds and his family on Christmas day every other year, or whatever seems fair.

So, some years you'd see your ds on Christmas day, your sd on Boxing day. Other years you'd see everyone on Boxing day.
Re the "cousins" getting together, you could do this at another time.

I think the current set-up suits primarily your sd. I think the logistics are a part of it, but if her dm hadn't died I do think she and her family would be making the trek out of London to spend Christmas with her parents every other year. I also lost my mother young so understand how hard it must be for her.
I think your DH realises this. I think it would be hard for him to have your ds on Christmas day as it would remind him that his daughter prefers to stay away.

Do you actually talk about this with your dh? Does he talk about things with hus daughter? I get the impression that there are things left unsaid because they are painful and you don't want to hurt anyone.

Out of interest, what was the set-up before your ds and sd got married? Once they were married but before they had children?

I think people are fixating on the money you give them. You just used that as an example. I believe you have, like I do, joint money. This means even if your husband paid for it, it makes no difference as it’s both your money.
It’s a real shame life has evolved the way it has. It is much easier for your SD to bond with her MIL than you as she isn’t where her mum would have been if she was alive.
your son connects more with a religious family which as you say is understandable but again, hurts.
You sound lovely. You understand but feel sad at the same time. It’s not how you imagined life and you are coming to terms with how it is. Big hug OP. I’d feel really sad too

I think you are focusing too much on the significance of particular days. For most people Christmas is the whole period not just the day (in fact, Christmas day can often be stressful and disappointing at times - so much importance is put on getting it right and 'making memories' that we are setting ourselves up to fail).

You are currently guaranteed boxing day, you could make that a special tradition in your family.

We alternated Christmas when our kids were small and if we weren't at my folks, they would always plan something a different day, an informal dinner (Kids could get up and down from the table while adults picked and drank), they would do a box of mini gifts that kept tired kids going (colouring pencils / craft activity / games / little wind up toys that could be raced / puppets etc..), lighter dinner meant no-one was stuck in the kitchen so my parents were hands on with the kids, always a fab day and no stress as a parent.

A friend always hosts Boxing day, she organises silly games and challenges. She told me they play pass the parcel but each layer has a silly challenge for the recipient - wear a blindfold / oven gloves / hawaian shirt / stand on 1 leg / let the kids put make up on you etc.. for the next 15 minutes. It takes about 3 hours to play and the prize in the middle is a tin of baked beans. The kids loved it, seeing their parents / grandparents doing silly things. The kids are adults now and boxing day is sacred - they still come and they still play these games.

Enjoy a peaceful Christmas day and then make your boxing day something special.

I think it sounds like a sensible set up. We have all sorts of weird Christmases because of blended families, work rotas over Christmas and a sister whose in-laws are abroad. It is just a day, spending time together over the season is far more important than the actual day.

I don't agree that their reasons for always being with your DIL's parents are reasonable. It should be shared. We have always alternated Christmas Day. It's mean of them not to. YANBU

The old saying, comparison is the thief of joy, stands here.

Don't rock the boat. You have lovely grandchildren, whatever they call you. You know she doesn't like you. If you start fiddling with things, you'll spoil what is already in place. Because it won't come out in your/your DH's favour.

Young kids, 2 hours away.... Fancy a d expensive meal out..... No chance.

I never travelled over the key dates when mine were young. We liked it at home.

I know his DD doesn’t like me

This is at the heart of it, surely, so I'd stop trying to conflate your DS and his DD into the same event if what you want is a different day and your DS is open to it. He's your son and you're his DC's granny so focus more on them and stop expecting the same kind of engagement with your DP's child and grandchildren when it's clear the relationship is never going to be the same. That doesn't mean it can't be decent and indeed it sounds like it is, if you adjust your expectations.

You say all this about being happy with funding the schools, happy with quiet Xmas Day etc but you're evidently not and expect more from them, which is a road to resentment. If you want your DP to fund the GC's schools instead of you, have that conversation. If you're genuinely okay with it, make peace with that and don't default to using it as a chip in this scenario to add to your grievances. The DD's reasons for not liking you are not going to change however lovely you are because her mother died and that impacts a lifetime. Accept what you have, negotiate more from those men who are more invested in your happiness (DP and DS) and stop looking for more from someone you know doesn't like you.

I'd be hurt by this too. It maybe worth talking to your son about the set up - mainly to make him aware rather than with any hope there will be a change. (This applies to both Christmas Day and New Year's Day).
It's also hard thinking both children will take a considerable sum of money from you but not share special times with you.
FWIW my children only have one set of grandparents alive but have an honoury set that they call granny and grandad - and my children are treated like extra grandchildren, which is lovely. It's sad you can't be referred to as granny (or another special nickname).
I wonder if you could 'take back control ' by booking something like a pantomime for everyone at Christmas and doing an Easter egg hunt early for everyone at a convenient date for everyone. This way you have a really positive experience with the children when they are hopefully less tired and it's not the leftover day.

As for the granny thing, I don't think that is important. What the children will respond to, and will remember after they have grown up, is the person, not the name. Being called granny doesn't make children automatically like you. If you are patient, have time for them, are kind, are fun, that is what they will consider important.

I had a real, blood-related granny who wasn't these things at all. I also had a step-granny who wasn't these things either. (Mind you, it is only as I write this that these judgements have occurred to me. I have survived remarkably well.)

@Nagramama how often do you see them outside these special days?

You say you pay 1/4 of school fees which is approximately £2,000 per term. What happens as the DC go up the school years as the early Primary years are the ‘cheap’ years? Will your contribution increase, if so will you pay more to your son?

Do you do presents on Boxing Day?

It’s a big deal losing your mum at a young age, something you never get over only learn to live with, so don’t give her grief about the granny thing.

What about doing a summer thing, a lovely garden party or something - I always think Christmas would be better if it was spread out more and in warmer weather!

edit to add - DH and I have been together since we were teens, some 30plus years. I have lovely memories of all his extended family going to his grandparents house on Boxing Day, it was a big tradition and something they had done since they were little kids. When the cousins get together now, that’s what they remember, fun boxing days not Christmas days!