To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

This is an interesting thread. Easter is a far more important Christian holiday (and without the mad build up of Christmas). I can understand the son wanting to spend Easter at his church (I know some people have said he could go to a church near the OP but he will want to go to his own).

One of the things I hate about Christmas is the mad build up which starts in November. Then everyone is frazzled by the day itself. There are actually twelve days of Christmas so Boxing Day is okay. I try to do something for Twelth Night as well.

I remember someone once describing Christmas as a task where they had to get to four random spots on a map within 48 hours or everyone would be cross.

@Nagramama YANBU to feel hurt OP, but I wouldn't say a word to any of them about it as you could end up with conflict that could destroy current relations (and not just between you and the DC, but also with your DH). Compromise is always required for these important annual events and whilst I think your DS and DSD could have been fairer and compromised to alternate each year where they spend Christmas day, I can understand from everything you've posted how they've arrived at the current regular arrangements. It appears that your DH also isn't unhappy with the arrangements and you seem to be the only one who is so, if I were you, I'd continue to accept them unchallenged, particularly as it's just a difference of 24 hours. Try to see the positive in what you do have - all yours and your DH's family together on at least two days at special times of the year where you can all spend time together as a blended family without anyone else feeling stressed or resentful - you are enabling this by continuing to be selfless and gracious about it, so nice work OP. 😊

Stop being so passive!
“ok DS and DIL, next Christmas you’re all coming to ours on Christmas Day - I can’t wait to host you!”
Also, regarding your stepdaughter’s children calling you by your name, that’s absolutely fine! My children called my stepfather by his name as did their children (my grandchildren). They actually called my mother by her name when they were older too.

Ds should spend every second Christmas with you if at all possible. Let your husband sort out his daughter. Also just btw if there is any issue I'll marry one of them ! (I'm joking. Its just a peek into another financial life from my world).

Can you try and reframe this in your mind, and rather than feeling hurt, feel lucky that you get to share precious time with both sides of your families together over the festive periods throughout the year. You get to see your respective grandchildren enjoying each others company as cousins. Step families can be difficult at times, and I really understand your wish to be known as Granny - but that shouldn't be a reason for you not to be Granny in everything other than name. (And yes - I am a step grandma). Be very thankful if the wonderful family times you and DH host - there are plenty of step families who remain split even at Xmas with parents forced to choose who to celebrate with. Don't allow your hurt to fester and spoil what you have. The pp who pointed out that having you named granny when her own mother died when she was so young is a step too far for her is right.

I think how Christmas is celebrated is a big deal. Before DH and I did Christmas together, I was very much on the side of we have to alternate and he was against that because he was like “but my parents” (I know right!).

After my first Christmas with his family, I realised it’s a huge deal and they go all out and basically celebrate over the three days.

With my family, it’s a normal day except we have a Christmas roast and give presents. We therefore started doing Christmas at his every year once we had kids, as it’s a much more exciting experience for them.

My family genuinely don’t mind though, so I guess that does make it easier, but it sounds like both your DC prioritise the house that make Christmas more exciting.

Yanbu at all to feel hurt and your son in particular is very unreasonable to always spend Christmas with his in laws. I’m also surprised your DIL allows it - I would actually say to my husband it’s probably only fair we see your parents some years. We (like most people I know) alternate Christmas between families.

I would talk to him and point out that it feels very one-sided that his wife’s family get every Christmas Day and Easter Day and could they please consider coming to see you sometimes and swap things round.

Your step daughter is a bit more difficult and it doesn’t sound like there’s much you can do there. But I wouldn’t let that stop you seeing your son if he does agree - it doesn’t need to be everyone there at the same time.

Not sure I follow your maths logic there. The DD receives financial help from the OP and her dad and so does the son. The son receiving help doesn’t cancel anything out. The issue is the DD’s attitude and behaviour in making her dislike for OP clear. If I was receiving financial handouts from a stepparent nobody on earth would have a clue that I didn’t like them as I would go out of my way to be nice to them. If I genuinely couldn’t stand them then I wouldn’t take their money.

Honestly it doesn't sound like they're deliberately leaving you out, their decisions are reasonable. It's lovely to have a quiet Christmas Eve at home doing final preparations/baking biscuits/getting the kids in their PJs ready for Santa. No one wants to do a big drive on Christmas Day, particularly if they like to have a couple of drinks. If your son is the sort of Christian who is involved in his church and sees it as family then going to a church near you wouldn't be the same- the kids will have friends at church who they will want to see.

For what it's worth, when I was a child our extended family always visited my mum's parents on boxing day or the 27th and that was one of the best days of the holiday. We did chaotic family games like balloon races and played hide and seek with our cousins and had a buffet (which kids often prefer to a roast)

I would be getting the message that Iam second choice, most times. Would have better things to do with £24000 until the disrespect was omitted.

Just to give an adult child's perspective: I love my mum and we are very close (see her weekly, talk most days). Her partner is really nice too. I wouldn't choose to spend Christmas Day at their house though.

They met when I was an adult and (understandably) offer an open invitation to his adult children too. I like spending Christmas with my nearest and dearest... awkward stilted conversation with the children of my mum's partner just isn't how I want to spend the day 🤷‍♀️

Going to there house doesn't feel like going 'home' either. There's very little nostalgia there.

They are welcome to come to me but (again understandably) don't want to choose between children. So they usually come to mine or my sister's Christmas Eve or Christmas Day evening.

I don't begrudge my mum's happiness. In fact, I was thrilled when she found her partner. But that doesn't mean it's the same as going to both your parents for Christmas where you feel entirely at home. Some people wouldn't be bothered, I am so we tend to do Christmas with just our children or team up with my DSis and her family. DH's family live too far away to consider whilst the children are small and prefer not to travel themselves.

If both children get 12k and it’s equal between the daughter and son then technically she doesn’t give her any money. The father gives the daughter 12k and the mother to the son 12k….unless OP is going to say she’s the main breadwinner and if she’s not the breadwinner then technically the husband is giving more to OPs son than OP is contributing?

I find it really distasteful to mention the money when she visits and makes an effort. Giving people money to help them is no strings attached, you can’t use money to control people. It’s either a gift or not.

I think if someone expresses a preference and the other is too kind to say anything habits develop

although it means they think they care mkre about the day whisky you are happy to see them anytime it’s almost a compliment

Why do they have to come at the same time? If your SD doesn't like you, let her DF deal with her and have your son DIL and grandchildren when it suits you and them

All I'm going to say is that if my parents or in-laws were bank rolling my lifestyle and kids school fees to the tune of thousands a year, I'd work bloody hard to make sure they felt like they were a priority in my life. Anything else makes you an arsehole.

I understand why your DS and DIL don't want to travel so far on Christmas Day. I do think they could compromise a little on Christmas Eve, even if it's just your son bringing the kids over for a few hours and DIL stays home if she doesn't want to come. Alternatively, invite them over early December and go for a meal, get the kids to help decorate the house for Christmas.

I default ended up going to MIL's each year for Christmas Day because it meant a lot to her. My Mum was of the opinion that once your kids are grown up they should have their own traditions and never expected us to spend it with her. We started the traditional of going over NYD instead as that's the day we always used to have family over for lunch when I was a kid.

Our families always alternate. So one year christmas day will be with ny parents next year will be with inlaws. Makes it fair all round. Works with my brother and sisters inlaws too. Dont know why its not more common tbh. But either way each family is different so whatever works.

My mum was always the Boxing Day rather than the Xmas day, I felt like she preferred it that way (more relaxed) and never thought to ask if she wanted different. However we always did Easter at hers. Could you ask to host one?

Yes this is how we did it and how my parents did it. No one wants to be travelling on Christmas, some people seem to forget what it’s like having young children. Thankfully not my parents!

OP you sound like a lovely and very understanding mum/step mum/MIL.

i think the Christmas one you might just need to accept the way it is for now and it seems like they have sensible and logistically reasons why it’s better for them like that even if it’s hard for you.

perhaps you could offer for the Easter one they they come to you first on Good Friday? Don’t say most family’s alternate as even though that’s true it could come across as guilty tripping I would just message them now so they have plenty of notice saying you would love to host everyone for Good Friday next year and please save the date.

Hmmm this is why I’ve never fallen into the trap of we’ll do alternate years with various family/ in laws / parents etc etc. Way too stressful. We ringfence the day itself so noone sees us then arrange to see family around the festive period depending on everyone’s schedule. Also now have a 4yr old and he would definitely be at home in his own bed with his own toys etc over Christmas Eve/ Day / Boxing Day.

if I were you I’d be getting on with being joyful that they’re there on Boxing Day/ Easter Monday and just enjoy the time you have with them.

re fees - sounds as though that’s a thorn in the side - how did you end up paying 2k/month for this? DS is at a fee paying school too and none of his grandparents pay towards this (nor do I expect them to)! Our decision and we pay.

It’s not the visiting on certain days - it’s the making her dislike of the OP clear while taking her money to pay for ridiculously expensive education for her kids. So no the son doesn’t sound like a spoilt brat from what OP says.
Don’t like your step-parents? Cool but don’t take their money then.

I understand the practicalities of the day and why they prefer to stay closer to home…but I also understand why it’s hurtful.
Why not suggest spending christmas in one of their homes, with you and your husband travelling to them?

Is the OP's DS also a spoilt brat then @Glowingup? Because he also receives the same amount from his step dad and also never prioritises him on Christmas Day.

With kindness OP, you’re looking at this in a really negative way. Turn it around - on Boxing Day you get to have both children and grandchildren together. They’re not really ‘cousins’ if they have different parents, but they choose to come and make a new family with you. How joyous.

And you get to have a special Christmas Day with DH who prefers to eat out which wouldn’t work with DGC. It sounds like the perfect calm Christmas to me who is still the default to have DCs, DGCs and the occasional random lonely relative on Christmas Day. But rather than looking at what I don’t have, I enjoy what I do have and that’s the key here.

I never called my Mum’s stepdad my grandad - it would have been disrespectful to her own dad and she didn’t want it, so I’d give up on the Granny naming. That’s her way of remembering her mum.