To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

I’d separate off both issues and I say this from experience. Stop offering to host Boxing Day and relieve your disappointment, and take away their option of fitting you in on that day.

We were the Boxing Day house for a few years but I too got tired of hosting (while hungover) to a house full of people who understandably would probably rather be at home watching The Sound of Music!

If the fact that you have the tired bunch on Boxing Day bothers you, bring it to an end. Organise a different festive event maybe based around the grandchildren. We’ve done a train ride to see Santa, a posh Christmas lunch in a nice hotel. Something in the run up to Christmas.

Over the years we kept doing our own thing on Christmas Day, much the same as you, we go out for Christmas dinner, just our own thing without the half hearted participation of others. Interestingly, this year our eldest called to see if they could come with us on Christmas Day. It finally occurred to them that they had never spent the day with us and thought it would be nice. It’s been a long time waiting for the thought to occur to them but I’m glad it did. Even if it hadn’t I’m happier having not wasted the last few years playing second fiddle to everyone else.

Side note/ off topic but 2 grand a term in y1 which is only 25% of the fee?? so they are paying 24 thousand pounds per child, per year!? Is that.. normal?? What on earth does it cost by GCSE/ A level years??? (Sorry, I don't know anything about private school fees)

You can't just make demands of adults like that.

I'm confused. Do you only see the families twice a year, around the big holidays?

You still have them in your life, they still come and spend time with you and you should treasure that. It’s just a day. Also the school fees shouldn’t be “transactional”.

Honestly, people come where it’s fun and warm and happy. This sounds like you have a house that’s filled with resentment and point scoring. You also have a lot of criticism of your stepdaughter for not coming and the money you have offered her, but less for your son who also doesn’t visit and takes your money too (even when he has children in state school).

Children, even adult ones, go where they feel loved and welcomed. Dh has 4 aunties (plus his mum, there’s 5 sisters with their children and grandchildren). A lot of the children go to one particular aunt and uncle often for Christmas and not their own families. It’s because home life wasn’t super happy for them growing up and they aren’t particularly warmly welcomed back now. There’s a lot of criticism and passive aggressiveness and just no one is really that happy that they visit. But the other aunt is fun and warm and always looks out for everyone and is no drama. Everyone feels welcome and happy in their home, not like it’s an obligation.

We haven’t been to MIL’s for Christmas (or Boxing Day or Easter) in at least 10 years. Nor has BIL. We haven’t been invited frankly, but no one would be especially thrilled to go because it’s heavy, not fun and happy, to visit. That’s something to genuinely consider. It’s not a criticism. It’s just reality.

Chuck it back. Christmas Eve with darling son, and if DSD can’t do that can you come to them on Boxing Day… see if she’s willing to host for the benefit of the kids

im more interested in school fees.

Do you pay sons kids fees? Do DSD in-laws also contribute a quarter?

They are not cousins though. Maybe your SD (& her children) would like to see her Dad without your son and his family being there ? Just something to take on board OP. Also, depends on how finances are arranged in my opinion. It could be that those school fees are being paid out of a joint marital pot, yes, but you don’t say whether your DH was already a wealthy man when you got together ? Maybe your finances going into the marriage were not comparable? Maybe some of the money that’s going to your SD (for school fees) was money that came from her mum’s life insurance? Not meaning to be rude here OP, just trying to see things from different perspectives.
IMO, it would be my DS, his wife and my own grandchildren, I’d be putting all my effort and love into and leave your SD to her Dad to manage that relationship. I couldn’t get worked up over your SD’s children calling you your actual name. That’s as it should be imo. I find it more odd that your own grandchildren calling your DH ‘grandad’; your ex-h/p is their grandfather. You don’t say anything about him, maybe he’s not a part of their lives?

No way.

It’s ok to offer to host but you don’t tell grown adults where they’re going for Christmas or any other day.

Yes I also meant to say it’s probably easier for the DSD to have a relationship with her MIL - there is no history , probably no badgering to make the relationship more than DSD wants it to be and easier to strike up a developing intimacy. It could just be that MIL is more DSDs type of person than OP and she shouldn’t be punished for that.

I see this differently. You are the Boxing day/Easter Monday house. They want to come to you, enjoy it and embrace it. Doesn't matter that it's not Christmas day, it matters that they want to come. Stop worrying about what day it is and enjoy x

It sounds as though it’s become a tradition and it just works for everyone so why change it.

The other parents may have other children or traditions where if they tried changing things it would be much more difficult then swapping days.

I do get what you’re saying but I personally prefer Boxing Day and although you can say to them you’re happy to host Xmas day, I would be happy to have the Boxing Day.

I find Xmas day can be a bit stressful/emotional. The kids are tired because they’ve barely slept with the excitement and then it’s disappointing when it’s all over to them. Mum and dad are often shattered too. But Boxing Day is all the fun but so much more relaxed. It’s nice because the grandkids are just focusing on the presents you’ve bought them and not everyone else’s.

"Uh, no thanks dad's wife, we'll stick with the plans that are working for us, DC and in-laws and see you on Boxing Day. If that's too much trouble, no problem, we'll see my dad when he wants and you can do your own thing with DS. Bye!"

The maths logic is pretty simple - the DD is getting the money from her dad. The DS is getting the same from his mum. It's from a joint point but as it's equal amounts going from OP and her DH to each of their kids, then it's not hard to logic that as the DD's handout coming from her dad and the DS's from his mum. So there's no need for the DD to fake it as much as you would for the money. It doesn't sound like she's unpleasant to OP though, just that she can't have the kind of relationship that OP would like, which is understandable.

If everyone is a bit jaded on Boxing Day, why not move the get together to a different day? My mother’s insistence that we spent either Christmas Day or Boxing Day with her after she divorced my dad turned Christmas into an exhausting farce. Consequently I have shut the door firmly on the whole thing and don’t bother with it at all.

You’ve noticed that your son and step daughter are bringing tired children to you on Boxing Day so why don’t you suggest a different date when everyone will appreciate it more?

Enjoy Christmas with your husband and friends and see family on a different day.

You're missing the part were the OP doesn't host, because her DH insists on eating out on Christmas day. So she's insisting that the DD drive for an hour, go to a restaurant with a 3 and 5 year old, doesn't drink, because she's got an hour drive home. It would be bloody selfish to insist on that, until the children are at least around 8.
My children lost their Dad young, so I totally understand her not wanting the OP to be Granny. There's so many older people who want control because of the money they give. The OP hasn't given details of whose house they are living in, were the money came from that the DD gets, it could be part of her inheritance etc. It's interesting that her son (or his wife) isn't getting the stick her SD is.

Plus it's a sure fire way to start a family rift. I would not appreciate this pressure and a parent/grandparent trying to dictate how I spend Christmas. Once upon a time they were the ones with children choosing how to spend it, they could give those children the same respect.

This response nails it.

You have choices. You can continue to rail against this and harbour your grudges, or you can make Boxing Day your own. Have some fun games, a buffet spread with everyone’s favourite things, make up some traditions like everyone brings along their favourite Christmas present to show the others. We have “Christmas “ with SILs family and it has evolved over the years into a thing centred around family being together and fun, the food is incidental and often it’s not on Christmas Day itself. I love it as I am an only DC and it’s so wonderful to have large numbers of people around celebrating together.

On the money front, many GPs support their DGCs. As you support both your DGC and your DHs equally then I would try to just let that go in your mind. Money shouldn’t buy access to DGC and I can totally see why both sides prefer to stay nearer home on CD, as your DH prefers going out, they may not even think it is a big deal to you.

She could try, but should prepare to be met with a "thanks but no thanks". Can't demand they drive an hour away on Christmas day with small children.

Haven’t RTFT but until the children are older I think YABU to expect anything to change, your post explains the logistics and I would do (and did) the same with kids those ages.
When the kids are tweens it’ll become much more possible to have more variety, we now host everyone because we have the most room for guests and some are travelling for a couple of hours. All kids are over 10 though

Also we don’t know that much about the family finances. If you met when she was 18, doesn’t your husband has any money of his own built up from before the marriage? Did his wife leave any money to him or was there insurance?

It would stand to reason step daughter assumed her father was able to pay something towards school fees, especially if he inherited some money from her mum. Perhaps it would be better for her if the money did come directly from her father’s pot so she wouldn’t need to feel beholden?

It doesn't sound like anyone is trying to hurt you, it sounds like they are doing what works for their family and their children. I don't think there's any more to it that that.

It would be ideal to see them on the big day but they do already make sure they see you so I would just take that as a win. Hop over to Gransnet - there are so many people over there who barely see their adult kids at all.

You can question it but I’m not sure the end result would ever be that they are genuinely happy to be there on Christmas Day.

It sounds as if there are good reasons for the current pattern to have developed but I understand why you are hurt by it.
Christmas and Christmas Day have become a bit overrated and assume a ridiculous importance so you feel it important to see your family on that day, but really time spent together is what matters not what day it is or whether you are second choice.
With your ds I would ask if you could visit them briefly on Christmas Eve in the afternoon to deliver presents and see the children, no assumption of being given a meal. Or invite them for a brunch on one of the tedious days between Christmas and New Year.
For the broader group I would have a conversation about when would be a good day for a family get together, start your own tradition. Don’t try to make it a replicate Christmas.
Think about what you would enjoy on Christmas Day, if you and your husband want different things then alternate or look for a balance.
You can’t control other people, you can communicate with your DH and you can control your thinking.

Let me try to explain differently.

Mum and dad gift 24k as a whole so if they earn equal amounts into that pot they both contribute 12k (unless one if a larger earner then it’s not equal).

Then they gift 12k to the son and 12k to the daughter so then actually the daughter is accepting the father’s contributions and the son is accepting the mothers therefore the 12k is from the father and not the step mum.

OP doesn’t seem to like the step daughter and I can’t really see she’s done anything wrong. OP hasn’t mentioned she’s willing to go visit them on Christmas Day. The step daughter is visiting regularly and making an effort. I feel like there’s a lot more to this story that a paragraph, and again I find using money on control people off and odd. You either wanted to gift to people or don’t but it shouldn’t come with strings attached.