To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

"DS and his wife are practicing Christian’s now so going to church is massive for them which isn’t something we do"

In your first post you say you and your DH go to church every Xmas Day.

From what you say, your DH's daughter sounds unpleasant. Why can you not be gran/nan???

Because she is not her children’s grandmother and the poor woman lost her mum when she was only 12 years old.

A friend of mine lost her mum at 11 and although she does get on with her dads new partner, it would be incredibly painful for her to see her called nan by her children, knowing that should have been her mum. My friend has always talked about her mum with her children and they call her nan. They wouldn’t want to call another woman their nan. Her dads new partner completely understands this and has a lovely relationship with the children.

Talk to your children about it. They probably assume you are ok with it.

If you don’t want to continue to school fees, don’t. Stop. It’s not linked to Christmas.

I find it very very odd that you feel hurt you’re not grandma. Your DSD’s mother is dead. Her children have a grandma and it tears her up that she never got to hear them call her that.

OP how did you spend your xmas’s when your DS was young?

My DH and I made the decision some yrs back to stop alternating between my DM and inlaws and do my own xmas with my kids in our home.

Both DM and DMIL had yrs hosting xmas and did that in their own homes and never went to their own parents/in laws. I dont feel the slightest bit guilty that the GPs dont see us on xmas day. They had their turn! And i will accept gracefully what my DC decide to do when they are adults.

I think it’s impossible to make everyone happy with a combination of blended families and distance. There are… 5 sets of families in total? So having a tradition of everyone to you on Boxing Day is lovely, though honestly it sounds like a total faff for your stepdaughter. Can you go to them instead? Or can they stay over at yours and you make a big fuss over a sleepover? Instead of competing with food can you do something kids love like make your own pizza or a hot chocolate bar or whatever? Do a Christmas movie and kid sleepover in the lounge? Just thinking of some ideas that will be very different and special with you.

I don’t see how you could expect them to come to you if they can’t get to you easily and you don’t go to church and that’s important to them. And if your son isn’t welcome without your stepdaughter then that leaves them out too.

would they prefer to split up and you could visit each family on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day? Or do you all get together regularly?

for what it’s worth, my mom always had us call my grandmother’s husband by his name as her dad died when she was a teenager. It didn’t affect my relationship with him at all and I named my son after him. So the name is likely more important to you and her and really unimportant to the children. For what it’s worth - my mom did regret it in the end but she was just really sad that her dad missed out on her adult life and it took a while to get past it.

@Nagramama you know why and the reasons and sound and you also prefer to see the cousins together. And they all make a lot of sense

surely the fact that both are happy to come together (given the ages that they met) and the fact they are happy to facilitate that cousin relationship even though they aren’t says a lot

It sounds like things won't change so you need to accept that it is what it is for Christmas and Easter but maybe try and create a new tradition - maybe a weekend away in the summer - more neutral ground and change to have some time together with no pressure of christmas etc

I voted YANBU for being hurt, but I don’t think there’s anything you can or should actually do about it other than make Boxing Day and Easter Monday as lovely as you can. It does sound like it’s not a snub so much as various practicalities. As children get older they’ll be less fussy on the Christmas come down, so it might feel easier to have a nice time.

Of course they could. But who wants to drive an hour away on christmas day with little kids?
OP could try offering to go to them though perhaps.

I guess that helps it all boil down to - why does what the OP wants take precedence over what the DD wants? And the answer is... it doesn't.

From what you say, your DH's daughter sounds unpleasant. Why can you not be gran/nan???

Because OP isn't the gran/nan. The DD's mum died. It's completely understandable why she doesn't want her dad's wife, who didn't raise her so isn't even a trad step-mum, to take the name that her mother should have had. Going to war on that issue would be a very bad move. OP has more to lose if what she's actually seeking is quality time with a happy extended family.

You and your DH need to withdraw the funding, and tell them that you want them Christmas Day next year (2026.)

Great plan! Good luck with that.

If they can do it on Boxing Day, they can do it the day before

From what you say, your DH's daughter sounds unpleasant. Why can you not be gran/nan??? And why on EARTH are you (and your DH) paying a quarter of her childrens school fees? And £12,000 a year FFS! We don't pay any bills for our (adult) children, they're grown ups FFS. They pay their own way, like grown ups do. I mean, we buy them gifts, and pay for meals out sometimes, but not their bloody bills!

And whilst they don't have children yet, if they do ever have them, I don't see why we would be paying for their schooling. You and your DH need to stop paying towards his daughter's childrens school fees!

One of my adult DC did Christmas day AND Boxing day at their partner's family's homes (parents, grandparents, auntie,) AND Easter Sunday and Monday!!! They never had time to fit us in. (We live 18 miles away, and all of the partner's family were within 1-2 miles ...So they weren't keen on coming out here as they found it as 'bit much' with having to fit in the partner's family.)

We just saw them The Thursday or Friday before Easter, or 22nd or 23rd December and swapped gifts then. We were always disappointed and hurt that they put the partner's family ahead of us, every year. For the 7 years they were together. We never said anything though. Maybe we should have, but I guess we just accepted it (that we were second choice.) Even if there is a bit of a distance, they could come every 3rd year for example.

They've split now, and they have a different partner, and this year they're coming to us for Christmas day! I'm so pleased!

Hopeully you can get this sorted @Nagramama You need to be firm and say you want them at yours for Christmas day for a change. If they say 'no' (which they probably will!) then don't bother hosting them at all (on Boxing day/Easter Monday etc...) OR as other posters have said, go away on holiday, and to hell with them all.

And withdraw the bloody funding for your stepdaughter's childrens schooling. I mean it wouldn't be so bad if she was a lovely person, and was nice to you, but she sounds quite mean-spirited. As I say, not even allowing you to be called gran or nan.

.

As a PP said, we don't know the actual financial set-up and how much of it is the OP's money or her dad's or indeed from her mum's original estate/insurance. For OP, it's joint point for her marriage but that's irrelevant to DD who was grown up by the time OP came into her life and has her own dynamic with her dad. The kind of sums they're talking about for school sounds like this is a wealthy family and the world she's grown up in, so it's fair to assume she'd have got this money whether OP was on the scene or not. The last thing OP should do is be the wife getting in the way of that. Unless it's OP who brought all the money with her, then I don't see that DD has to make being grateful for GC's school fee donation the top priority for her Christmas and Easter plans. They're not being 'ungrateful buggers' anyway. They're doing every Boxing Day, which is a nice family thing.

Actually OP, as blended families go, you aren't doing too badly. Just remember that life is fluid and things change. Who knows what you Christmas will look like in 5 or even less years time. Is there any possibility to you could join with your son's in laws Christmas Day? We've done this in our family before? It actually worked out well when children were younger and meant the older generation got to socialise with people of their generation too.

I also like @Heretone ’s suggestions as an alternative to going off on holiday OP.

Have you offered to visit them, rather than them visiting you?

When our kids were small (ie under 12), it was always the grandparents travelling rather than dragging the kids away from their toys, rooms and familiar environment. Far easier, less people to move, less drama and fewer people out of their home (plus only an extra two guests for the host, rather than 4 the other way round).

With small kids, we never travelled for Christmas; it was just too disruptive and no fun for anyone. We chose always to make sure that the kids had as relaxing a time as possible, it’s all so full on at Christmas, being away from home is just an added unnecessary stress.

Completely agree. Honestly @Nagramama I would book a lovely holiday for you and DH every Christmas and Easter and leave the lot of them to it ungrateful buggers.

😯let's all rush over to @Soontobe60's for Christmas?

You can’t change your sd opinion that’s a separate matter. I think it’s crazy you are paying so much money to both children as adults but that’s not the issue. I would work on your son. This Christmas mention them both coming to you next Christmas. You can only ask op and work on building that relationship if necessary.

If you want your DS to come on Christmas Day would you be prepared to go to church and still see your DSD on Boxing Day?

I think you have to meet half way, and I wouldn’t prioritise the relationship between cousins ahead of yours with your DS.

I agree. They didn't meet until they were 22 and 18, they probably do not consider themselves siblings and they don't consider their children cousins. Do they ever meet up outside of events you organise? If not there's your answer. This is all about what OP wishes people felt that they don't.

You don't have it so bad really. You spend an important festival day with your family regularly. But are feeling a bit sad because you're not the preferred host for Christmas (despite explaining the very very good reasons why they prefer to go elsewhere)
Blended families are all about compromise.
Personally I didn't like spending Christmas with my in laws, so we usually went to them on Boxing Day - like your situation. I preferred spending it at my house, with my Mum.
My SC spent Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day with their Mum.
This worked better for most people and especially the children.
I think you're allowed to feel a bit sad and resentful that you're denied the 'other' part of Christmas, but essentially Christmas is what you make it. Being the Boxing Day host is pretty sweet too.
In your shoes, I'd have a bit of a moan, somewhere safe like MN and then try and make peace with it. Your SD has her own issues and reasons. The kids will be bigger before you know it. Enjoy what you have.