DH and his colleague at dinner tonight

I was also thinking the arse thing. It seems like banter with a sexual undercurrent. Flying close to the edge but not quite over. Th fact he could disrespect you like that is worrying. Is there anyone you know and can trust who spends time with them at work to ask them about it?

That didn’t sound like banter. I’d love to know what your perception of not banter is…

There seems to be a big age difference between your DH and the girl so I doubt she'd be interested in him. Maybe it appeals to his ego to think she might find him attractive at his age? Also, work colleagues can become close purely in a platonic way as they spend so much time together, so perhaps he just found it easy to chat and joke with her. Hopefully there were other work colleagues there who he's equally comfortable with.

Agree.

You’ll never find a better friend than your gut instinct. I’ve been there - twice . He knows I know- despite evidence.

That was flirty . Ring I woukd take as “ arse “ as in ring. Just my perception.
Definitely not normal and you heard what you heard.

That’s the thing about flirting….nobody else gets the little in-jokes and fine nuance of the conversation, although that was all rather blatantly sexual.
I’d have been cringing to have heard that I’m afraid OP. And very worried about his fidelity. No way I couldn’t have asked him about it when home.

It’s flirting. Brazen and disrespectful. Imagine how they talk to each other when you’re NOT there?

I’d be furious, OP. Find your self-respect, as you sound quite trodden down.

He was flirting. I don't think she was at all. He sounds disgusting to be honest. I'd maybe jump ship before he cheats, if he hasn't already.

banter would not bother me in the least

Your instinct is telling you that something is off and they were blatantly upfront about their cringey flirting. Makes me wonder if this is going on all day at work.

I hope she does go to HR. Letcherous middle aged men get away with this stuff too often

It’s never dandruffy Keith is it?

The reference is about her finger up his bum.

I would go apeshit about this.

Why didn't you say something there and then!

Don't just brush this under the carpet , you need to have a conversation about it. He needs to know the conversation was inappropriate and how it made you feel.

Not ok. Definitely means a finger up the bum (or could mean marriage which is what she said). Either way asking your young female colleague to marry you or play with your bum in front of your wife is not okay. Totally disrespectful to you and could be considered sexual harassment if she chose to go to HR so he’s risking your family’s financial future as well.

I would calmly ask him what was meant as it made you uncomfortable. If he tries to fob you off then tell him you will assume he meant he was suggesting she fingered his bum and calmly explain why that is not an acceptable joke for a married man at a work event. If he doesn’t get it then I would seriously be considering if this was the person I wanted to spend my life with and whether I could trust him to not over step boundaries he doesn’t even recognise.

I'd have said something along the lines of "Wow, you would think I wasn't even here, come on you" but that's me I just blurt stuff out

I would be saying something to him, asking what the private joke was about

Maybe he was drunk and gave himself away in front of you. But she clearly didn’t care that you knew either. There’s banter and then a step too far. Maybe it’s a jokey friendship but it’s flirting too. Don’t ignore your gut feeling op. I would investigate quietly and see what else you can find out.

I wouldn’t say anything but I would start watching v carefully. Read some of the threads on here about emotional affairs - there are so so many. I expect this is very early days but it’s set on that path imo. Who speaks like that?? Not two normal work colleagues. He needs to be very careful about jokes that are suggestive or even conversation that could be interpreted in that way. Have we all forgotten Me Too? Maybe she was playing along or instigating even but he’s on thin ice in every sense.

Yes totally, he's mostly in the wrong, although she also shouldn't be so distespectful infront of his wife.
But she wouldn't be around to hear the comment, so I'd still probably address it like this with him afterwards.

I agree but in solidarity to women it would have been good if the colleague hadn’t encouraged him.

Many men want a finger up their arse during sex.

He is a sleaze bag to say such things in front of you. This would be the start of the end for me.

Her dh is in the wrong here. Let’s not blame the woman who likely wouldn’t look twice at him.

Banter after enough drinks often contains comments which don't make sense or aren't as funny as they seemed at the time, and this sounds exactly like that. I don't think that you have anything to worry about because it happened in your presence, and he was keen to move on rather than stay with the flirting.

But it's definitely worth a frank discussion, and I think that you have to accept that most middle-aged married men wouldn't say no to a risk-free fumble with a 25-year-old from the office, but is it likely that that was on offer?

My guess is that it may have been, but that the moment has passed. Time to improve your relationship and life.

I wouldn't like that at all. Her lame response can be put down to her age. But he shouldn't be indulging it and encouraging it.

I would have just said in the car afterwards: "She's a cheeky fucker isn't she, making that ring finger comment infront of your wife? Don't you think you're too old to be flirting with a 25 year old?"

I'm pretty laid back and generally am all for a quiet life but those comments would have made me say to him immediately "what the f* was that all about?"

I didn’t get why she said ’Ring’ finger as anatomically speaking that would be awkward but she actually probably meant his ring finger - as in the finger she used for arseholes - in more sense than one obviously 🙄