DH and his colleague at dinner tonight

Irrespective of whatever the hell the finger nonsense was about if he's flirting with someone in front of you like this what is going on when you aren't there!! I couldn't have kept my mouth shut 🙈

I'd agree with this.

Something is off I'd not be happy...keep you eyes and ears open OP.

that's so flirty! Definitely not appropriate and to think that's with an audience.

I would not be happy with this. Can you tell him you don't appreciate his manner / ask him if he genuinely thinks it's ok / would be happy you having a similar conversation with a man?

That question from him was sexual innuendo.

Somethings going on

I’d interpret that as the forefinger - for inserting somewhere.

I think most people would interpret the fingers as follows: thumb is agreement, first finger is for pointing / putting into things; middle finger is an insult, ring finger is marriage, little finger are the ones you supposedly get wrapped around or stick out when drinking tea.

I thought the same.

And if that actually was the meaning behind it, it comes across as them sharing a secret joke, right in front of you, because they think they are both so clever and have brilliant communication that they can speak in an uncrackable code.
It's an insult to the listeners intelligence if that is so.

Sorry OP. I hope that I've read too much into that and that its not the case

I read it to mean finger up the arse too

I would ask him what it was all about, in a “that was a weird thing for her to say”, way, and ask if they work closely together. If he’s idiotic enough to behave like that in front of you then chances are they have a flirty relationship at work but there could very well be nothing more to it so I wouldn’t necessarily worry about infidelity. I’d tell him you felt it was inappropriate, and especially inappropriate with you standing right there. Be cool, though, not angry. Don’t give him an excuse to behave badly; he is certainly being provocative. I always think of the guy in Sliding Doors who goes nuclear when accused of being unfaithful (because he was).

If you both work for the same company OP does that mean you were colleagues who ended up having a relationship and marrying?
Because if so it wouldn't be the first time your H has started a relationship with a woman he works with.

Ewww this is giving me flashbacks to working in an office and going for after work drinks. Even the men who claimed to be happily married would be pulling shit like this with the young women from the office. It was so gross and blatant. There were a few exceptions but it was so common.

I haven't read the full thread, only the first page of comments and OPs updates. I think your DHs question about finger was a reference to 'fingering' his bum, and her reply was basically "not unless you marry me". So, yes, I think it was very quick of her but flirty on the part of both them and disrespectful to you. Also, unless there is no proper working environment for him at home or the little ones are likely to disturb him if he wfh, I'd find him going into work on the two days he is allowed to wfh suspicious. I think he wants to go in bc she's there and he gets to flirt. If he's likely to flirt OP, I suspect he's also likely to cheat if the opportunity presents itself. Please make sure you are financially secure, and trust your gut.

I don't think " grubby banter" between older men and young women is ever acceptable behaviour. Especially not when they are supposed to be work colleagues and adhere to a level of professionalism.

And how do you excuse the pair of them flirting together all night infront of his wife?

Sounds utterly cringeworthy

It is the usual grubby banter that goes on between older men and young girls. I think people push the humour boundaries. I am old and said to a workman who was digging the road in front of my house: 'Please can you tell what what you are doing with that hole?' His response: ' Oh yes madam, I can certainly tell you about holes'. I am old enough to be his gran. It is sick but what happens.

His was def sexual, but I would interpret “ring” in this conversation as his sphincter / arsehole. Hence his “that was quick thinking” comment.

Grim, definitely overstepping whatever finger they meant.

Awful. You poor thing, he probably was flirting, and he’d probably deny it. Some men are just pathetic.

Are they all off work today?

I wouldn't like this at all. If he's happy saying that in public...

Exactly this. Is he depending on you not bringing it up? I absolutely would not let it lie for the sake of 'peace'
I wish I'd trusted my gut much earlier.
All the gaslighting and stress he put me thru left me isolated, emotionally violated and with long term health issues, not to mention PTSD.

This is a very worrying update OP.

The two of them together in an otherwise virtually empty office?
And the two of them comfortable flirting and having sexual conversations right in front of you?
If their relationship hasn't turned physical yet then it sounds as though it's well on track to happen soon.

Honestly OP you need to have a conversation with him. Not just about his behaviour at the event but about his relationship with his colleague.

I think in these circumstances, checking his phone would be justified.

I also thought 'finger up the bum' from his question. Sorry OP.

Even if nothing is going on, I would not be impressed with this behaviour at work. If a load of Internet randoms are thinking sexual references then a lot of your colleagues will be as well. And that's not OK especially for a manager.

He’s been really disrespectful to you. So has she, but really she’s young and owes you nothing. Why was he sitting with her all night instead of his wife? What a tit.

Yep, this.
Sorry OP

@Frimclo they fancy each other. This was outright flirting.

He has probably been encouraging her attention. Things not being well at home with you, he's been enjoying this flirtation. It's going to escalate into an emotional affair then a full blown one.

Talk to him now. He will flap around whining about how he's allowed female friends and you are sooooo controlling and wahhhhh but end of the day - you saw it. It happened and it is true.

So, you can try to discuss now and nip it in the bud and work on finding each other again or you can ignore and let this progress and end up divorced down the line when he inevitably shags her.

Communicate now. Give your marriage a chance and then you'll know you did everything you could have done to save it.