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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to miss my ex and feel bad for him?

59 replies

RealAquaCat · 30/10/2025 20:32

Hi!
I suppose I’m just looking for a bit of advice and support! My ex ended our relationship in July last year, and so I moved out of his home and moved in with a friend. I thought I would marry this man and I was absolutely heartbroken, but I picked myself up and began to be okay again, and I am due to move into my own place by myself in a few weeks time. I should mention that this was the second time he ended our relationship - he also broke up with me in 2022 which was a 6 month split, in which I also moved out of the home.

My ex blocked me after we split, but sporadically over the last several months he would reach out and we would chat a little bit. A couple of weeks ago he told me that he’s still in love with me, that I’m the one, and that he wants to go for a drink and a chat and see if we can work things out. We had some big, open conversations where ultimately I told him that while I still love him and miss him, I can’t go back to him. The time to work things out was before he left me and flipped my world on its head. I was so desperate to work things out at the time, and he wouldn’t talk to me.

Anyway, all of a sudden it has hit me tonight! I feel so bad for saying no to going out for a drink, I feel so bad for hurting him by not wanting to be with him. But at the same time, I do really miss him and love him and I’m wondering if I’m making a mistake by not seeing if we could try again?

Am I crazy here? It’s the guilt that’s hurting me the most, but should I feel guilty when he’s the one who left me?

(I feel like I sound crazy)

OP posts:
SausageMashBeans · 30/10/2025 21:18

What are the reasons he gives to end it each time OP?

INeedAnotherAlibi · 30/10/2025 21:17

OP l’d suggest you read up on love bombing and trauma bonding. This isn’t love. Someone who loves you wouldn’t treat you so cruelly! You did the right thing not meeting him this time. You need to block then delete his number so you’re not tempted to call him again nor can you be contacted if he decides to get in touch and keep you ‘on the hook’. Build your life without him. You’ve got so far. Don’t go backwards now!

ToKittyornottoKitty · 30/10/2025 21:15

You are not making a mistake, he only wants you when he’s got nothing else, you are the consolation prize, so don’t give into it. He’s had his chance and he didn’t want you, it’s over.

Brightbluesomething · 30/10/2025 21:12

OP I understand the attachment to someone that you saw your future with. The sad reality is that he isn’t able to communicate and work through any issues he has, considering his response is to end your relationship when things get tough.
Unless he’s done a lot of work on himself, it sounds like you’re repeating the same patterns. It would be unwise to go back, you’ll get hurt. Build a life with someone you can trust instead.

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 21:09

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Ilovemychocolate · 30/10/2025 21:08

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 21:02

If this was a friend or relative I’d 100% tell them they were being an idiot.

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They aren’t though are they?
The OP is looking for helpful advice and probably a bit of empathy, from people who may have experienced what she had.
What on earth are you bringing to the discussion, other than insults?

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 21:06

Apologies op if I’ve upset you but I would absolutely tell my sister or best friend that they were an idiot for feeling sorry for someone who had ruined their life, twice. He’s treated you like garbage. Don’t let him do it a 3rd time, because he will.

MID50s · 30/10/2025 21:05

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 21:01

Why do we need to? There are plenty of other places to go on mn if you don’t fancy people not beating around the bush with their responses. You’re derailing the thread now though.

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So AIBU is for people to personally attack you is it?

Bluevelvetsofa · 30/10/2025 21:05

You’re getting to a point where you’re making an independent life for yourself. Don’t go back on that merry go round. The saying that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome, is true.

Blackbookofsmiles1 · 30/10/2025 21:04

I agree it’s harsh the above poster has called someone an idiot, but it also does have some truth to it, to make the same mistake twice is a little silly, to do it 3 times is idiotic.

Ilovemychocolate · 30/10/2025 21:03

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 21:01

Why do we need to? There are plenty of other places to go on mn if you don’t fancy people not beating around the bush with their responses. You’re derailing the thread now though.

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No dear, you are.
Bore off with your passive aggressive post.
I for one prefer to support women.

Farticus101 · 30/10/2025 21:02

OP, it must be hard when you had all kind of expectations about this relationship but the truth is your wishes didn't match up to the reality at all. He couldn't be the person you would spend your life with because he dumped you twice and blocked you. No one who cares for anyone would block them!

You need to build a life away from him and create a new set of wishes more in tune with reality. I would also suggest therapy to figure out why you are even considering going back to someone who has caused turmoil in your life.

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 21:02

Ilovemychocolate · 30/10/2025 21:01

Well I for one strongly disagree.
And I’d bet that in real life, you wouldn’t dare call someone an idiot to their face.
WTF has happened to you, that you need to feel the need to be so bloody rude to a complete stranger?

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If this was a friend or relative I’d 100% tell them they were being an idiot.

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 21:01

Ilovemychocolate · 30/10/2025 20:59

So we can’t change the narrative then?

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Why do we need to? There are plenty of other places to go on mn if you don’t fancy people not beating around the bush with their responses. You’re derailing the thread now though.

Ilovemychocolate · 30/10/2025 21:01

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 20:56

I think hearing it bluntly is exactly what some people need sometimes. You’re welcome to disagree.

Edited
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Well I for one strongly disagree.
And I’d bet that in real life, you wouldn’t dare call someone an idiot to their face.
WTF has happened to you, that you need to feel the need to be so bloody rude to a complete stranger?

Blackbookofsmiles1 · 30/10/2025 21:00

His ended it twice already, you would be a absolute fool to go back and what a utter waste of your time because a few years from now you will be sitting there crying his dumped you a third time. He is the problem and it won’t change. Move forward and don’t look back, yes it hurts, but it will hurt more if you let him do it all over again.

Ilovemychocolate · 30/10/2025 20:59

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 20:56

AIBU is not and never has been about women supporting women.

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So we can’t change the narrative then?

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 20:56

MID50s · 30/10/2025 20:56

Yes it is, there’s thinking it but there’s no need to say it. The Op is probably going through a tough time snd doesnt need to hear that from you

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I think hearing it bluntly is exactly what some people need sometimes. You’re welcome to disagree.

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 20:56

Ilovemychocolate · 30/10/2025 20:55

You haven’t ever heard of a bit of empathy have you?
For fucks sake, this site is supposed to be about women supporting other women mainly.
Stop being such a bloody dick.

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AIBU is not and never has been about women supporting women.

MID50s · 30/10/2025 20:56

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 20:52

No it’s not. Feeling sorry for someone who left you, twice? Having to move out of the home you shared, twice. Changing his mind, twice. Leaving you in absolute turmoil, twice. You’d have to be an absolute idiot to do anything other than block and move on.

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Yes it is, there’s thinking it but there’s no need to say it. The Op is probably going through a tough time snd doesnt need to hear that from you

Ilovemychocolate · 30/10/2025 20:55

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 20:52

No it’s not. Feeling sorry for someone who left you, twice? Having to move out of the home you shared, twice. Changing his mind, twice. Leaving you in absolute turmoil, twice. You’d have to be an absolute idiot to do anything other than block and move on.

Show quote history

You haven’t ever heard of a bit of empathy have you?
For fucks sake, this site is supposed to be about women supporting other women mainly.
Stop being such a bloody dick.

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2025 20:52

MID50s · 30/10/2025 20:46

That’s a bit harsh

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No it’s not. Feeling sorry for someone who left you, twice? Having to move out of the home you shared, twice. Changing his mind, twice. Leaving you in absolute turmoil, twice. You’d have to be an absolute idiot to do anything other than block and move on.

Viviennemary · 30/10/2025 20:52

No. He has already ended this relationship twice. Don't give him another chance. It will only lead to heartbreak.

nutbrownhare15 · 30/10/2025 20:51

You are grieving the relationship and that will make you want to do things that are not in your long term interest. He has twice now ended things with you and you cannot know that he won't do it again. Your initial instinct not to go back to him was absolutely correct. It will take time but you can and will heal and in time will know it's the right decision.

Ilovemychocolate · 30/10/2025 20:50

OP the best thing I ever read was over 20 years ago…it said “love shouldn’t hurt”
Move into your new place, get strong, do not look back x

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