Return from mat leave gone wrong

My experience is that it is very difficult to rebuild your confidence when you've been treated like that if you just stick at the same role because the toxic people and their attitudes will continue to get you down. I stayed for just less than a year and was becoming quite bitter, but I went part-time so I was giving them the minimum amount of time we needed to stay afloat financially and I got to spend more time with my kids while they were tiny. I also worked with a coach to rebuild my confidence and then moved onto a new role in a new organisation where I was much happier and more valued.

That is potentially grounds for discrimination. directly targeting you as a woman, when they would not ask a man about their future family plans.

I would get advice from ACAS if I were you.

The trouble you have with sticking it out and knuckling down is you're assuming you can change things by working harder. You can't because it's not you who needs to change. It's a terrible situation to be in and I'd recommend leaving before they totally trash your confidence.

This is awful OP, I would join a union and at least talk to someone.

OP this sucks. It happens all over the place. I’m in academia— was a total hotshot at the time started having kids and now have had to move sideways so many times my students are more senior than me. I regret not doing things like asking for a promotion like you did, and in general rolling over too easily because of those sad/shame feelings you’re getting.

If this was me I would start looking elsewhere, but I’d also start taking stock of what you call a buildup of goodwill to cushion your exit. It doesn’t sound like they’re being especially goodwilled to you at the moment— but is there someone there who is kinder/could stick up for you/write your reference?

OP, two things that might help while you riding this out. 1] Coaching, and 2] push for actionable feedback. Not just what they dont like, but what do you do instead.

If you won’t make any claims to HR then can you ask for some mentorship or similar. You’ve clearly got the partners back up and you can either decide to keep a low profile either whilst you look elsewhere or hope he moves into bullying someone else and forgets about you. You can use the mentor to try to ‘learn’ from the specific experience with the paralegal ie clear your name by showing the partner just grossly missunderstood the situation rather than you were at fault. But as you seem to be aware this might not necessarily raise you in his books but I reckon it’s about getting an alliance with someone of influence if you’re really concerned they’re trying to fire you.

but also explore your options externally.

Get out. Go. They’ve marked your card, unfairly, but trying to bring them around will be both impossible and soul destroying.

Personally I would seriously consider the downsizing option for a while at least. I’ve got lots of friends in law and for those that have tried to stay fee earning in private practice it has gone to shit in 99% of cases. People in-house have fared much better, and people in the civil service seem to mostly love their jobs and still have a decent (albeit not filthy rich) standard of living. You only have your kids for a short time and there’s nothing wrong with plateauing for a few years and then switching things up when they’re older.

I used to be a BigLaw partner. This story sounds very familiar.

At the moment firms are under pressure because they massively overhiked junior salaries post-covid and now the economy has taken a downturn they need to cut costs to fund their earlier greed and stupidity. The usual pattern is that they will find targets to push out or sideways into non- fee earning roles (knowledge or compliance usually). The targets are almost always women with young families ime.

The reality is that once your card is marked it is difficult to turn things around. This is because the complaints they have about your work are not genuine so there is no way to remedy what they are complaining about. The best thing to do is to look to move, unfortunately.

So sorry that you are going through this, I also work in law and can be such a ruthless environment.

From what you say - and particularly the bit where you say that they overhired - i unfortunately think that they are trying to get rid off you without firing you. Basically create such a bad environment that you decide to leave from your initiative and save themselves from a tricky situation where they try to fire you and you then cain raise discrimination claims.

I would start quietly documenting everything that is going on…

When this happened to me, I was devastated. I was so shocked by my boss's response to my pregnancy that I had to take a couple of weeks of sick leave to deal with how much it affected me. I think, more than anything, it was the shock of realising just what a raw deal women have in the workplace. Up to that point I'd been utterly naïve about what women are up against.

Do I stick it out, redeem myself and hope to get promoted in a few years?

No, sadly this senior has got it in for you - for whatever reason and their ow no good will or loyalty - its to there

Start planning your move out of their, its toxic and will harm you

This. I was doing well in my job, but when my new boss found out I was pregnant, he suggested I get a job elsewhere (a few weeks before he'd told me I was on track for promotion). After I came back after my first baby to find someone who worked under me had been promoted above me in my absence. When I was on maternity leave with baby two, my boss rang me and told me that when I returned to work, I'd be starting again from the bottom. He was clearly trying to make me resign.

This absolutely does happen in the public sector.

I had a similar situation when I returned from maternity leave. I’m a GP, and in my case it was a new partner who’d started while I was off, when the senior partner had retired. She was young and dynamic, and clearly saw me as deadwood that didn’t fit in with her visions for the future.

I was a single parent with limited family support, so whilst I had childcare covered for my working days, I couldn’t be flexible with late evenings and weekends. She kept organising important meetings at random times, putting me in the position of saying I wouldn’t be able to attend. She drew up a spreadsheet of everyone’s workload, to try and show I was doing less.

I was furious. I chose to just keep my head down and get on with my job. There was no way she was driving me out. That was 20 years ago now, and since then my life has obviously got a lot easier, while she’s had 2 very high-needs kids, and has found juggling work and parenthood very difficult.

Oh I hope she made him squirm! "Oh really, Bob? How kind of you to say; I always got the impression you didn't think much of my drafting/negotiation/strategic skills! tinkly laugh"!

I agree on looking around- because from what you have written it does sound like they are looking to exit you. And even if they aren't or don't, maybe you'd feel like your card is marked. It won't be a fair fight.

You need a plan. I get why you aren't going to go to HR etc but you need a story line because you need to survive this with your confidence intact. A storyline that you rattle out internally - eg I wouldn't be telling anyone you had no sleep or about baby milestones. I wouldn't be sharing how you feel with people internally or that you are worried etc etc but you know this. You are switched on.

Bloody hell, as someone who has worked in the public and third sector this all sounds brutal and inhuman.

if you think you could get the work in, become a Consultant Solicitor. I’ve more than tripled my income by doing this!

Please get yourself some coaching or a mentor. My professional colleagues bullied me after mat leave and it killed my self confidence. You deserve better!

Are you blindsided by this idea of promotion and it’s clouding the reality? It sounds like they are pushing you out the door but they must have reasons to being unhappy with your work.

are you a perfectionist type and feel ashamed for being less than perfect? If so I hope you liberate yourself and find your anger. They are not acting fairly

OP I think it's very likely you are still a good employee if you were doing well before mat leave, in which case whilst changing firms is daunting you may feel a huge weight has been lifted and go on strength to strength - I moved with babies and it was very scary but the best thing I could ever have done. You are in a new chapter of your life now and going somewhere with that from the outset, get through the baby years without comparisons to how you worked pre-babies could be liberating.

Please join a Union or contact ACAS/pregnant then screwed as their treatment of you is wrong and illegal. Whilst you may ultimately decide you have to leave, at least do it with a potential settlement under your belt.
Make a note of all the behaviour towards you to support your case.
If you know they have over hired, you are being targeted to be got rid of 'on the cheap' - please fight back and don't let them continue to erode your confidence.
Good luck

I'm sorry OP. I think you know the answer is to start contacting recruiters. It will be difficult to prove anything, but it is still so common in law. I had similar "light switch" behaviour from the senior partner when I got married, as his assumption was that I'd be immediately looking to get pregnant and was therefore not "loyal" to the firm. Male colleagues always seemed to be getting promoted around the time of significant life events - old fashioned views that they would be suddenly super-loyal and hardworking as they were the providers for their growing family.

Please work now on your mental health. I let my treatment really affect my confidence, even though it really was nothing to do with my ability and 100% sexism. You will find somewhere that values you, but it won't be this firm.