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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you expect a thank you

88 replies

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 18:27

Emergency at nursery so we had to collect children. I messaged my friend asking if she needed help to collect her kid as I could take them home on the bus.

Didn't bother to respond to the message for an hour. And it wasn't "oh thanks for offering" it was just stating she was busy getting work sorted.

Aibu In thinking she could have acknowledged me offering to help her. She goes on about the village and this is the second time I've offered. Other time when she was trying to get someone to look after little one after she had IVF. She didn't even ackoledge me.

Ok you may think she doesn't want me to, which is fair enough, but just say "oh thanks I'll bare that in mind".

I'm very hormonal today

OP posts:
Original poster
knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 20:58

FlockofSquirrels · 30/10/2025 20:55

I think a thank-you for offering would have been ideal from her.

I also think you're over-reacting to not receiving it over text, especially from a single mum in the middle of a work day where there was a nursery emergency. Is it really so important to get a text thanking you for your text that you can't extend your friend some grace on this?

What do you mean.... I too had to pick up my child, leave work etc. she's been messaging me all evening ... I think she could at least ackoledge my offer of help. I'm also a single parent

OP posts:
FlockofSquirrels · 30/10/2025 20:55

I think a thank-you for offering would have been ideal from her.

I also think you're over-reacting to not receiving it over text, especially from a single mum in the middle of a work day where there was a nursery emergency. Is it really so important to get a text thanking you for your text that you can't extend your friend some grace on this?

Bluebottlerecycling · 30/10/2025 20:39

FastFood · 30/10/2025 20:28

Same, I just can't imagine a scenario where my first reflex is NOT to say thank you.

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Yep, even in circumstances where someone is offering in bad faith or insincerely I would say thanks.

Some of the replies on this thread are quite baffling.

Original poster
knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 20:35

PollyBell · 30/10/2025 20:29

No i would not expect a thank you, your posts make me feel you are doing this for you because you need some recognition for whatever else is going on in your life, it is not up to her to have to give you that

Wtf.

OP posts:
NinaGeiger · 30/10/2025 20:34

PollyBell · 30/10/2025 20:29

No i would not expect a thank you, your posts make me feel you are doing this for you because you need some recognition for whatever else is going on in your life, it is not up to her to have to give you that

She said her friend talks about needing a village so I think OP is just offering to try and provide what the friend says she needs.
I don't get the sense at all that OP has something else going on in their life that makes them unreasonably want recognition

PollyBell · 30/10/2025 20:29

No i would not expect a thank you, your posts make me feel you are doing this for you because you need some recognition for whatever else is going on in your life, it is not up to her to have to give you that

FastFood · 30/10/2025 20:28

NinaGeiger · 30/10/2025 20:17

Staggered by the voting results. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
I'd be beyond grateful if someone offered to collect my children

Same, I just can't imagine a scenario where my first reflex is NOT to say thank you.

Original poster
knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 20:28

Bluebottlerecycling · 30/10/2025 20:24

If someone thoughtfully offers to help you (even if you don’t need it) it’s very basic manners to thank them for the thought, not acknowledging their kindness is pretty rude.

She might just have been caught in a bad moment of course but I wouldn’t rush to offer again.

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It's happened twice now. I've just got the ick with her

OP posts:
Original poster
knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 20:28

Aria999 · 30/10/2025 20:25

She was rude. I think she possibly doesn't see you as a very close friend and is a bit weirded out by your offer? I have friends that would seem natural from and others I like very much but don't know all that well where I would be a bit surprised. I would still say 'thanks so much but we're fine' though.

She tells me about everything and always messaging.... Also inviting me to events with her at the weekend and talks about building villages etc.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 30/10/2025 20:25

She was rude. I think she possibly doesn't see you as a very close friend and is a bit weirded out by your offer? I have friends that would seem natural from and others I like very much but don't know all that well where I would be a bit surprised. I would still say 'thanks so much but we're fine' though.

Bluebottlerecycling · 30/10/2025 20:24

Justcallmedaffodil · 30/10/2025 19:53

So you made an unsolicited offer to collect her DC because you were already collecting yours? And she didn’t need you to. I’m not sure why she’d be thanking you for offering help she didn’t ask for or need.

If someone thoughtfully offers to help you (even if you don’t need it) it’s very basic manners to thank them for the thought, not acknowledging their kindness is pretty rude.

She might just have been caught in a bad moment of course but I wouldn’t rush to offer again.

Original poster
knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 20:19

mindutopia · 30/10/2025 20:18

Not really, I’d expect a thank you if she agreed and you actually did the favour of bringing them home.

But I would never expect anyone to be messaging me while they’re busy working and it’s very easy to just forget about it once you’ve gotten on with your day. I’d probably do my best to acknowledge it at some point, but not like in the middle of a meeting. I wouldn’t be remotely offended if I offered and I wasn’t thanked for the offer. People have too much stuff going on to be point scoring like this.

We weren't working. It was an emergency closure of the nursery.

She had to leave work, as did I. I messaged her whilst I was at the nursy to make sure she had the message. Than asked her if she wanted me to collect her little one as well. She's been messaging me since 6pm.

I think it's rude to not even ackwolege my offer of help.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 30/10/2025 20:18

Not really, I’d expect a thank you if she agreed and you actually did the favour of bringing them home.

But I would never expect anyone to be messaging me while they’re busy working and it’s very easy to just forget about it once you’ve gotten on with your day. I’d probably do my best to acknowledge it at some point, but not like in the middle of a meeting. I wouldn’t be remotely offended if I offered and I wasn’t thanked for the offer. People have too much stuff going on to be point scoring like this.

Bearsmumma · 30/10/2025 20:18

I’d always be grateful if a friend thought of me in an emergency! If my child is invited to a friends to play i always say yes please that’s great or no thank you for whatever reason despite it begin an unsolicited invite!! It’s common courtesy to be polite. I wouldn’t offer again. In my opinion it was very kind of you to offer and especially having to navigate the bus with nursery aged children!

NinaGeiger · 30/10/2025 20:17

Staggered by the voting results. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
I'd be beyond grateful if someone offered to collect my children

Original poster
knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 20:14

shhblackbag · 30/10/2025 19:58

This is why I voted YABU.

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Sorry I'm not sure how I'm being needy. It was an emergency pick up, I messaged her to let her know I could help if she needed. If she was too busy to respond straight away that's fine, but she's been sending me messages about other stuff so it's not like she's not online and not had the chance

OP posts:
FastFood · 30/10/2025 20:13

Justcallmedaffodil · 30/10/2025 19:53

So you made an unsolicited offer to collect her DC because you were already collecting yours? And she didn’t need you to. I’m not sure why she’d be thanking you for offering help she didn’t ask for or need.

Because it's nice to have people thinking about you and considering your needs, unprompted.

But yeah, that's a horrible "unsolicited offer", how dare OP suggesting such an intrusive thing.

No wonder so many people complain they have no friends.

Original poster
knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 20:12

anunlikelyseahorse · 30/10/2025 20:10

Because social convention, means a polite acknowledgment and decline are generally accepted as good manners.
being autistic is absolutely relevant to this because part of autism is not understanding social conventions. My dd is autistic and wouldn’t understand why she would need to send a message of ‘no, but thank you for offering’. She wouldn’t see it as being rude to either not acknowledge or politely decline. She really struggles with social skills, again huge part of autism. In her world language is simply a tool, the more practical and less ‘flowery’ (or decorated might be a better analogy) the better.

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Yes maybe it's that.

She was saying how she got offers of help from other parents when she had an operation (frequently has them) so not sure why I have been blanked twice.

Anyway I'm a bit stressed today and won't offer again.

OP posts:
Original poster
knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 20:11

Justcallmedaffodil · 30/10/2025 19:53

So you made an unsolicited offer to collect her DC because you were already collecting yours? And she didn’t need you to. I’m not sure why she’d be thanking you for offering help she didn’t ask for or need.

Oh wow.

That's a little strong.

We all had to emergency collect our children. I was helpful. She isn't just a random person, she's someone who is part of a single parent group I'm in and also talks about building a village. Spoken about childcare issues etc.

So I don't think it's unreasonable to say "hey I can help you for this emergency pick up" and just say '"thanks but I'm ok".

Because I won't be offering to help again.

OP posts:
anunlikelyseahorse · 30/10/2025 20:10

Justcallmedaffodil · 30/10/2025 19:53

So you made an unsolicited offer to collect her DC because you were already collecting yours? And she didn’t need you to. I’m not sure why she’d be thanking you for offering help she didn’t ask for or need.

Because social convention, means a polite acknowledgment and decline are generally accepted as good manners.
being autistic is absolutely relevant to this because part of autism is not understanding social conventions. My dd is autistic and wouldn’t understand why she would need to send a message of ‘no, but thank you for offering’. She wouldn’t see it as being rude to either not acknowledge or politely decline. She really struggles with social skills, again huge part of autism. In her world language is simply a tool, the more practical and less ‘flowery’ (or decorated might be a better analogy) the better.

Blahdiblahblahr · 30/10/2025 19:59

I am ASD and yeah often forget social niceties. I really am grateful! Just often when busy revert to factual, ie: ‘i am at work now’. Don’t be cross x

shhblackbag · 30/10/2025 19:58

Zov · 30/10/2025 19:55

This. ^ YABU @knowingmekniwingyou and overthinking this massively. The woman was probably having a busy day, trying to sort Halloween for the kids or something. Give her a break. You sound very intense and needy!

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This is why I voted YABU.

Zov · 30/10/2025 19:55

Justcallmedaffodil · 30/10/2025 19:53

So you made an unsolicited offer to collect her DC because you were already collecting yours? And she didn’t need you to. I’m not sure why she’d be thanking you for offering help she didn’t ask for or need.

This. ^ YABU @knowingmekniwingyou and overthinking this massively. The woman was probably having a busy day, trying to sort Halloween for the kids or something. Give her a break. You sound very intense and needy!

Justcallmedaffodil · 30/10/2025 19:53

So you made an unsolicited offer to collect her DC because you were already collecting yours? And she didn’t need you to. I’m not sure why she’d be thanking you for offering help she didn’t ask for or need.

CarolwithoutanE · 30/10/2025 19:53

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 19:51

Oh right sorry. I should have googled. I thought it was asd

Either are used, some prefer one over the other. I think ASC is the most recent term used.