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Original poster

To think some people secretly resent relationships that aren’t 50/50, especially when the woman’s genuinely cared for?

203 replies

CherishedNotChained · 30/10/2025 16:06

I’ve noticed a pattern in a few friendships - when they realise my relationship isn’t totally “equal” in the 50/50 sense (my husband does more of the providing, takes care of a lot of things and I handle others), they act a bit off. It’s not like I brag or make comparisons but there’s this subtle tone of judgement, like being looked after automatically means you’re “less empowered.” I actually feel respected and cherished, not controlled but I get the sense some people only approve of relationships that look perfectly “balanced” on paper.

AIBU to think some people are quietly jealous or uncomfortable when they see a woman being treated well, especially if it doesn’t fit the modern 50/50 ideal?

OP posts:
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Usernamenotav · 02/11/2025 22:09

CherishedNotChained · 30/10/2025 16:34

I don’t think it’s about outright jealousy so much as discomfort. Some people seem to view any dynamic that isn’t strictly 50/50 as outdated or “unequal” so when they see a woman being looked after in a different way, it challenges their idea of what a healthy relationship should look like. I’m not bragging, just noticing how different people interpret what being treated well means.

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I think we need a better explanation of what your relationship looks like to understand what you're talking about. Based on your comments your relationship sounds the same as every relationship I know about, so I can't understand what anyone would be uncomfortable with. You have you're own money, your husband respects you and makes you feel safe, you share responsibilities. Literally the exact way any relationship should be. It really seems like you think you're relationship is different/ special in some way but based on the comments I can't work out what it is.

Usernamenotav · 02/11/2025 22:02

CherishedNotChained · 30/10/2025 16:14

I don’t mean it in a purely financial sense. He does take care of most of the financial side but I also handle a lot of the day to day things that keep life running smoothly. For me, being treated well means mutual respect, care and feeling emotionally safe, not a scorecard of who pays what or who cleans more. It just seems like some people struggle to understand that balance can look different for every couple.

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I'm not sure I'm understanding.

Being treated well as you describe it (respected etc) should be the case in every relationship, even (and id assume more likey) in the 50/50 ones.
Your questions seems to suggest that people in 50/50 relationships as you call them aren't respected? If your friends are in relationships where they aren't respected or feeling safe then they should get out of them but I've no idea how that relates to these '50/50' relationships- it's a different issue entirely.

jeaux90 · 01/11/2025 08:32

OP your friends might be worried if they don’t know your finances. They might be thinking if it all went wrong tomorrow could you sustain a life, mortgage etc. they may just be concerned about your financial independence I know I would be!

We have a financial dynamic which we often explain as people curious as it’s non conventional.

Seasidewalker · 01/11/2025 08:15

This is an odd thread isn't it?

What is 50/50? I can't imagine anyone's relationship is entirely equally, how do you measure the weight of didn't jobs against different chores etc? Does it even matter as long as everyone is happy.

I wonder if the OP is quite young which is why these issues may be discussed more in her friendship group. As life gets more complex we tend to be much less concerned about the academics of relationships and more focused on surviving the day to day.

I'm not sure anyone cares about anyone else's dynamic, we have huge inequality in that DH does absolutely everything at home whilst I work (for many reasons it works for us and we're older). I do feel looked after and cherished, my best friend isn't jealous though, she thinks I'm a lazy cow (in a nice way! 🤣), she works part time and loves looking after her family and her home. We're all different.

Randomlygeneratedname · 01/11/2025 07:32

CherishedNotChained · 30/10/2025 16:21

I actually don’t go into detail about my relationship with friends, that’s part of why I find the reactions odd. It’s usually in passing conversations where someone asks how we split things or makes a general comment about 50/50 relationships. I’m not trying to sound smug, I just genuinely think different dynamics can work well depending on the people involved.

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How often do these conversations come up? I wouldn't be able to tell you how any of my friends split finance/chores with their SO. If you looked into my relationship from the outside you would probably feel it was very heavily loaded that DH does pretty much everything for us financially (due to my studying/placement schedule) but you wouldn't see that I was the only earner for a long time whilst he studied and then had an accident which left him unable to work for a year etc. I find over the years it all balances out if you are in an equal partnership.

Paulafernalia · 01/11/2025 07:26

CherishedNotChained · 30/10/2025 16:25

Of course those things should be normal, I agree. What I meant is that some people seem to assume you can’t have mutual respect and care unless everything is split exactly down the middle. For me, equality is about how you treat each other, not whether every task or bill is divided 50/50.

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I don’t think anyone thinks equality means splitting every task 50/50. It means putting an equal amount of effort into the household and the family, splitting the mental load and having roughly the same downtime. If someone says they feel respected but their split is more like 70/30 overall, they are not being respected.

blueshoes · 31/10/2025 23:06

CherishedNotChained · 30/10/2025 17:20

Haha, nothing that mysterious - we both work full-time, he just earns more and tends to take on the financial side while I manage more of the home and life admin. It’s really quite ordinary, which is why I find it funny that some people react like it’s unusual. The post was more about how different people interpret fairness or equality than about our setup specifically.

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If you work full time, nobody thinks you are being 'looked after' or 'treated well'. It is all in your mind. You are pulling your own weight, even if you earned less. You would be 'looked after' only if you were not in paid employment and living solely off your husband's earnings.

If there is a different division of labour at home outside of work, that is unremarkable. People don't really care to go into such details or ask you how much you earn compared to your dh.

I suspect you want people to feel jealous and are projecting your insecurities onto them.

sapphicy · 31/10/2025 21:23

Do you mind me asking how your partner ‘takes care of most of the financial side’ whilst you are also financially independent? I don’t understand what that looks like is all. Do you work? Were you set for life before you married?

Pherian · 31/10/2025 21:16

CherishedNotChained · 30/10/2025 16:06

I’ve noticed a pattern in a few friendships - when they realise my relationship isn’t totally “equal” in the 50/50 sense (my husband does more of the providing, takes care of a lot of things and I handle others), they act a bit off. It’s not like I brag or make comparisons but there’s this subtle tone of judgement, like being looked after automatically means you’re “less empowered.” I actually feel respected and cherished, not controlled but I get the sense some people only approve of relationships that look perfectly “balanced” on paper.

AIBU to think some people are quietly jealous or uncomfortable when they see a woman being treated well, especially if it doesn’t fit the modern 50/50 ideal?

If you don’t want to feel judged - don’t overshare about your private life.

echt · 31/10/2025 20:16

To think some people secretly resent relationships that aren’t 50/50, especially when the woman’s genuinely cared for?

How can they secretly resent yet you "know" what they think? I would imagine the "the subtle tone of judgement" you detect is your friends biting back "Are you a fucking idiot or what?" when you describe your idyllic set up.

Given what you've said so far, and it's very vague, it's unlikely that anyone sane women would envy your life of relentless domesticity on top of a full-time job.

CypressGrove · 31/10/2025 19:44

I doubt anyone is jealous of a wife who works full time but still gets to do all the housework.

Doone22 · 31/10/2025 19:37

I don't feel jealous or uncomfortable when I see my friend who doesn't work or look after her house or cook. I assume quite rightly that I don't know their story. But tbh if it turned out to be she was just a lazy bitch I'd lose respect for her.

purple590 · 31/10/2025 13:14

What does him 'taking on the financial side' actually mean though? That he pays more towards the bills? If so it's not an actual job to do is it, like doing the ironing or the washing or the cooking or the hoovering?

I mean direct debits just come straight out the bank, you can even automatically get your credit card bill paid off - it's not some major role that takes a lot of time and effort.

I really don't think there's any jealousy from your friends OP, I think you might be being a little delusional there. But if you're happy with him 'cherishing' all the grunt work you do then that's up to you I guess.

Stompythedinosaur · 31/10/2025 10:59

Tbh I'd look down on anyone in a relationship who wanted to take more than they gave.

Don't you also love your partner and want them to be cherished and cared for?

Why do you believe you should have a better life than the person you are meant to love?

willowthecat · 31/10/2025 09:44

Tangit · 31/10/2025 08:29

Your post and comments are quite vague. Other people have said this too so it's hard to comment properly. For example, what do you mean by "we split things"? What things?

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Sorry this got tagged on to the wrong response but don't think I can change that now

What do you sound smug about ? I really don't understand what it is that you are happy about - and certainly no idea whatsoever what you think other people might envy. Seeking envy is a very negative trait and you seem to be grasping to get it no matter what your circumstances actually are. It sounds like you envy your friends tbh but can't admit it to yourself. otoh this might just all be material for a blog on some trad wives but you won't put any of the real responses in just made up ones where people seem amazed at your 'good fortune'

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 31/10/2025 09:18

Basically OP, your friends don’t resent you, they think you are stupid.

Doing all the housework and cooking and laundry while also working full time? You are stupid, your husband is lazy and doesn’t love you.

Most women find the idea of men who want to be mothered by their wives as deeply unsexy.

Does your dh really watch you doing all the cooking and cleaning when he knows you’ve just done a full days work same as him, not lift a finger to help and you both think this is what a loving and respectful relationship looks like?

Tangit · 31/10/2025 08:29

CherishedNotChained · 30/10/2025 16:21

I actually don’t go into detail about my relationship with friends, that’s part of why I find the reactions odd. It’s usually in passing conversations where someone asks how we split things or makes a general comment about 50/50 relationships. I’m not trying to sound smug, I just genuinely think different dynamics can work well depending on the people involved.

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Your post and comments are quite vague. Other people have said this too so it's hard to comment properly. For example, what do you mean by "we split things"? What things?

Bringemout · 31/10/2025 08:20

You both work full time you do more of the household tasks and mental load but thats ok because you feel cared for basically? Personally I don’t think your friends are envious I think they think your husband is lazy and you are a bit of a doormat.

Honestly I’m a SAHM and my husband rolling up his sleeves and pitching in with DC and housework at the end of the day so we can spend time together instead of me busy with chores by myself makes me feel cared for.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/10/2025 08:17

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2025 20:08

Haven’t RTFT but why are there so many trad wives coming on MN? It’s weird.

Don’t know but you can spot them at 50 paces. Tone that is serene to the point of being bovine. Smug username. Refusal to answer questions on specifics. Assumption that everyone else is jealous.

Its very tedious and I want my nest of vipers back.

popcornandpotatoes · 31/10/2025 08:15

Chinsupmeloves · 30/10/2025 19:50

Am I getting this right; you don't work but your DH provides financially and loves and respects all that you do? Well that's wonderful to have such a great relationship and simply that, it's about you both as a couple.

So, you feel your friends who work are jealous, but is this because of your closeness rather than having to work? Is it just because they grumble and say how lucky you are or do you complain about your situation?

I've always worked and have some friends who don't but are very well off financially due their partners' earnings. What i think of them purely comes down to their personality.

A is beautiful, generous, caring, will be so happy to see me and knows how difficult it is to meet up, will cook at her house, does so much for others. A really remarkable woman, a privilege to have her as a friend.

B will be arsey that I can't see her when she wants to, moan all the time about insignificant things like an annoying person at her gym, cancels at last minute because she got up late.

So, as I said, all comes down to the value of a friendship, not money.

Do I feel a bit envious of them not having to work? Probably yes, but it's a tiny factor in my opinion and more how much I value them as a friend.

OP works full time so no idea what anyone is jealous of. Her hsuabnd is nice maybe?

HeadNorth · 31/10/2025 07:43

It sounds to me like the OP's DH has all the financial control while OP does all the drudge work. I can't imagine anyone is jealous of that, the OP sounds utterly self-deluding.

Gymbunny2025 · 31/10/2025 07:35

EverybodyLTB · 30/10/2025 20:59

I wish pp would RTFT before assuming (easily done thanks to the vague OP) that the OP is a SAHM that’s “looked after” as it turns out she works as much as her husband and is lucky enough to do all the household chores and life admin. We’re all just jealous!

Oh yes. Not jealous of that at all 😂

Irenesortof · 31/10/2025 07:27

TheDenimPoet · 30/10/2025 17:27

Why is this topic coming up so much? I have several friendship groups and who does what or who pays for what very rarely if ever comes up. Are you sure you're not threading it into the conversation yourself?

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That’s my impression too. Why are you labouring the subject OP? This kind of thing only comes up if someone is unhappy about some aspect of their relationship, in my experience. People who are happy in that way don’t feel a great need to keep mentioning it or keep track of the responses.

NameChangedForThis2025 · 31/10/2025 07:03

EverybodyLTB · 30/10/2025 17:37

So hold on…. You both work full time? From your initial post I thought you were ‘looked after’ like a lady of leisure. Turns out you’re stuck with the grunt work because precious husband earns more money in his big important job! That’s not equal in any sense of the word, no matter how you try and fancy it up. No wonder your friends get twitchy when you’re saying how cherished you are.

💯 this.

I assumed you didn’t work @CherishedNotChained or worked part time.

Earning more money isn’t a get out of jail free card to not do housework or cooking in your own home.

You don’t sound as ‘cherished’ as you think you are, and it wouldn’t be for me.

Periperi2025 · 31/10/2025 06:52

Does your DH contribute into a private pension fund for you so that your future is balanced 50/50 and also a savings fund in your name, in case you ever split, that covers your loss of future potential due to playing this supporting role?

If not then i pity you, and I'm definitely not jealous over your unpaid work.