To think that cheating doesn’t always make you the bad guy?

In an edition of The Affair podcast I listened to recently, the interviewee was a woman cheater in a miserable marriage. Her DH did not sound nice to be fair. However she made it clear that neither she nor her affair partner saw any long term future in their relationship, it was purely an escape from the day to day misery of their marriages. I lost a bit of sympathy after she said that. Mind you I suppose there is no guarantee that these interviewees are being completely honest. She did leave her husband eventually though not for her affair partner.

Yes, I do 😂

When I was younger (20) I was in a relationship with my boyfriend who I had been with since we were at school. He really held me back in life in so many ways. I wasn’t happy. He had a controlling side to him, eg would give me the silent treatment and I’d grown tired of it all. It should have been ended a good while before I eventually did end it.

Then I met this other guy and we got on really well. That was it then - nail in the coffin for the miserable relationship I was in.
Should I have got emotionally involved with someone else when I was already with someone? No not really.
But am I glad that him coming in to my life gave me the kick up the bum to finally end it? Absolutely!

Exactly, its Ok to be single.
Something quite a few women need to realise

Just because you leave doesn’t mean you have to subject your children to living with a new partner or their children. You’re talking as if it has to. Bizarre!

Disagree.

If you’re staying for the kids, that’s bullshit because kids brought up by together parents who dislike each other enough to cheat, then that isn’t a good environment for children.

when you read all the horror stories around Step-parents, step-brothers and sisters, kids forced to live with other people, or worst share their bedroom with strangers..

that's debatable what's best for the kids!

then it is very simple.

"Serial cheaters" aside, a relationship is 2 people. No one is "the victim" because the other one is cheating, and moving on. It's a 50/50 problem, with shared responsibilities.

Timing might be awkward and wrong, but simply the issues and mistakes are from both sides. There' s no innocent victim vs a bad guy, they are both at fault for the marriage or relationship having failed and being broken.

There's no bad guy and good guy here.

I kind of cheated on my last partner - he's not a bad person but he was not the best boyfriend, I hadn't been in love with him for a long time but couldn't face the upheaval of a split and didn't want to hurt him.

I then fell deeply in love with someone else from our group of friends, had what was I guess an emotional affair for a few months, culminating in snogging him.

I did break up with my partner the next day though as I didn't have the stomach to lie, sneak around and full on cheat.

No, she should have left my Father.
I used to wish she would on a daily basis, I suppose I am still holding onto the fact that she stayed with him "for the children" but finally left when there was a better alternative.
I actually supported her and was fully behind her leaving my arsehole Father but I was quite upset when I found out why she had finally decided to do so.
It seemed our lives being shitty was not enough but another man was

I think long term cheating, eg not drunken one night stand, is very wrong. A drunked ONS I have forgiven.

I don't understand how a woman can be with a man knowing that he's lying to his wife, it's so tawdry.

If you’re having an affair, you’re not in that much fear of your partner.

If you’re staying for the kids, that’s bullshit because kids brought up by together parents who dislike each other enough to cheat, then that isn’t a good environment for children.

If you’re staying for your partners money and cheating on them, that’s just disgusting. Such a low act.

If you’re staying in the hope things might change, then cheating won’t be helpful.

People makes excuses.

Cheating is abusive in itself. The lies and betrayal are very damaging that’s without the health risks to your unknowing partner.

Women passing of affair babies as their husbands, men giving their often pregnant wives stds or the risks of it. Giving up family time and money for someone else.

Choices every step of the way add to the betrayal. It starts with the flirting and active choice, then you choose to hide that, you then choose to meet up in secret, you choose to lie and deceive. None of that is an oops fucked up. It’s active hurtfulness to cake eat.

I know a few men who have cheated, as it ended their marriages, in each case they were very ego driven, the affairs were conquests for them.

One of them stayed with the affair partner, I think for someone to keep house/help with the kids, not that she was the love of his life. He's still with her, still seems to be seeing other women, but much more discrete about it - I know as he's a colleague, who's travelling for work an awful lot more than is necessary.

I know a couple of women who've cheated, but nothing long term, more serious flirtations that led to sex. Both also quite ego driven.

I'm sure there are other women I know who've cheated but who are discrete about it.

She could have, but sometimes people get used to being miserable and it takes something to realise that life can actually be enjoyable. It can be a terrifying prospect for a person to leave someone and be alone, even if they are not happy. Why do you think so many people stay with abusive partners?

Saying "just leave them" is a massive oversimplification and is very daunting if you have no idea what is waiting there for you.

People on this site tend to handwave women who cheat and blame men. I think it's despicable behaviour, whoever does it.

If only life was so simple
Life in the reap world is never simple. It's complicated, scary, painful and bloody hard work at times. We should still get on with it doing what is right.

Exactly. My mum cheated. My dad did nothing wrong, and she admits that. She just ‘didn’t love him anymore’. She nearly destroyed him, and my brother and I never really forgave her. It’s not always a case of ‘nasty man, abused woman’.

It is not what I would necessarily recommend or condone in others, but he is desperatly trying to have his own life, love, space away from the pressures of providing that support and I can't judge him for that
In the circumstances you describe, you usually have the cheaters who convince themselves and others that all are fine with the situations and those who are cheated on who don't accept and cope anywhere else as well as the cheaters tell it!

It's only as complicated as you make it 🤷‍♀️

If you're feeling lonely and emotionally neglected you have two options to address this

1. Work together with your partner to improve the relationship
2. Leave

Having an affair is never the answer.

Cheating always is a gendered issue, i've seen it happen to a couple of guys i know, where wife has cheated, and the general reaction was "he must have been doing something wrong for her to look elsewhere".

Whereas every guy who cheats is automatically a wanker who only thinks with his dick.

If only life was so simple.

not saying it’s ok in these situations but it makes it much harder than just leave
So it comes down to what tou value first, your self-interests or integrity.

Sadly, integrity has lost most of its meaning and value in the last few generations.