To think that cheating doesn’t always make you the bad guy?

All these posters who talk of ‘trapped women’, would you feel the same if the person the trapped woman was self soothing with was YOUR husband? Really would you?

This is actually a pretty common dynamic. Trapped woman becoming close to a married man who doesn’t feel as needed at home because his wife is capably raising the kids, dealing with the home, working at the same time etc etc. these men become KISAs - Knights in shining armour to these unhappy women.

Affair gets found out, and the person who is then left traumatised, anxious, with ptsd symptoms is the wife in the background. Damage to the family and to the children involved.

Affairs pass pain on, they ALWAYS pass pain on. There are ways of doing things in a healthy way.

I agree, OP. People who say that you should leave the relationship first aren’t considering the way that some women are trapped and controlled.

We all have personal agency, we can all get ourselves out of a situation that makes us unhappy if we choose to.

Cheating is abusive, it removes the right to informed sexual consent and personal agency. It involves gaslighting, manipulation, minimising, dehumanising of the betrayed party and lying. It puts the betrayed party at risk of STIs and mental health issues.

It passes pain on.

It’s black and white as far as I’m concerned.

I don't think theres any such thing as a "rule" in human behaviour.

OP, I absolutely get where you're coming from. I'm in the same situation; I'm in a relationship where the other half makes no effort and i really need an out.

On the other hand, I really need to step up and just say "look, this isn't working for me" instead of being a people pleaser and keeping it going, but, I really think people should be honest with each other and end the relationship first, nomatter how difficult it is.

I do understand that it's not always that easy.

Sorry but I disagree.

I do agree life isn’t black and white. However, if you’re lonely, neglected, etc., end the relationship.

Cheating but staying for the kids is stupid.

A friendly divorce vs a betrayed divorce lead to very different outcomes.

Add An abusive ex who can then poison the children with well mummy/daddy cheated and play the poor poor me card isn’t something you should give to an abuser.

Well we could live together but mummy:daddy was too busy sleeping with someone else because we were not enough for them. Look they have left us. They don’t want and love us. That type of bs an abusive ex will use.

There is rarely, if not never, anything wrong with how you feel. However, the right thing to do would be to end one relationship before starting another. It's the only decent thing to do. That's how I see it.

No I don’t. Men are inherently selfish. If they cheat, it’s because they want to. When women do, it’s because they have to. Exceptions exist of course, but that’s generally the rule in my experience.

And do you feel the same if it's the man cheating? I've cheated and been cheated on. It involves lies, gaslighting and often using "family" money to fund the affair. Nothing about any of those things makes it possible to say cheating is not wrong. Whether or not that makes the person a bad person is a more difficult question. Very few people are all good or all bad, but that doesn't soften the wrongness of the act of cheating.

People’s lives are messy and complicated and people make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect.

I don’t think cheating is ever the ‘right’ thing to do but there are certainly situations in which I can understand see how/why it’s happened, and I don’t necessarily think it makes someone a terrible person. It can make someone a good person who did something wrong, for a reason I can understand.

Whether I would judge someone for it really depends on the manner and motivation of it. I’ve known people who have cheated in ways that has made me despise them for it. I’ve also known people who have cheated in ways that have made me think ‘What a difficult situation for everyone involved and I hope it eventually works out for the best.’

Nope. If you're not happy, leave first.

Not a good enough excuse. You're still putting your family unit in jeopardy by cheating.

I know of someone trapped in an abusive relationship who did it purely to be able to get a divorce. She didn't want to but she knew the ex would never ever agree based on his on abusive relationship so basically forced it by "having an affair". She's regretted it ever since but in that circumstance she took a drastic step in the hope it would get her away from him. And knowing the person she was involved with I understand completely why she felt it was her only option.

Those kids are still there when those parents have an affair though, and risk dividing up the family in a far more acrimonious way. My mum said she stayed ‘for the children’. Well we were really happy when my dad caught her with another bloke, I can tell you 😏.

As I said, my mum cheated. She says herself that my dad did absolutely nothing wrong. She just didn’t love him any more. So he was at fault for him just being him? The same person she married?

Because sometimes there are kids whose family you don't want to divide up?

Because sometimes the parter stops having sex woth you?

Some women marry men they never really loved in the first place.

The number of people who say they cheated as they were so unhappy and how the ex was so awful.....yet they stayed. Funny how they say all that when they get caught.

How many people cheating do you actually know? I don't think I know that many and it's not something that really comes in the conversation😂

Cheating is wrong and it makes you a bad person.
Of course it doesn't. It's never black and white, and both partners in the relationship that' broken are at fault. It doesn't mean they are a bad person.

This ! No excuses. If you are that unhappy then LEAVE.

The number of people who say they cheated as they were so unhappy and how the ex was so awful.....yet they stayed. Funny how they say all that when they get caught.

Cheating is wrong and it makes you a bad person. You lack morals values and good character. The right thing go do is to leave...then do what you want rather than victim blaming the other party. Cheaters have no emotional intelligence and can't manage an adult conversation.

Unless you live in a countrt where youre likely to get stoned to death..you can alwasy leave....it may be harder....but that doesnt make it impossible. Cheaters choose the easy path.

and again, YOU being single doesn't mean the other one will be.

It's not all about YOU and "women".

It does. Be an adult and use your big words to describe how you feel and end the relationship before starting a new one

what's bizarre?

If you leave your partner, they are free to go into another relationship and you have no say on who your own children spend 50% of their time with.

It's a risk you accept for your kids when you separate. You might not care, but that make other people stick in unhappy relationship. They're not wrong.

At least 50% of people I know who got divorced did so because they met someone else. And I suspect more, but most people know that to admit that an affair is the reason the marriage/relationship has broken down they will be judged and looked down upon by others. In an ideal world where there are lots of strong and highly moral people more people would do the right thing and leave before meeting someone else. But we don’t live in an ideal world. Even though a lot of people seem to think we do