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Original poster

To stand my ground

59 replies

Kickinthenostalgia · 29/10/2025 23:52

Me and dd13 often attend the Chelsea ladies matches, we’ve been going the last 2 years. We go to football and nandos either before or after depending on kick off. It’s our little thing. DP has joined us to London a few of the times, he goes and does his own thing and we meet and go to nandos. No issue. So this weekend he’s invited himself again. Plan was the same, football then nandos. Then he threw a paddy, yes a literal paddy because he realised the fireworks we usually go to are on that day and we can’t go because we have football (baring in mind we missed them last year because he had an event) his dad passed away in February and he stated that he’d really like to go this year because he always went to fireworks displays as a kid with his dad and he wanted to this year because it meant something. Tbh I’m not a massive fan of fireworks, I can take them or leave them. He then said he wanted to go to the fireworks in London we’ve attended before. I wasn’t happy at first as will have to leave home at 8am to get to London and then won’t be home til late. Fine I agreed. Dd didn’t want to go either but we are going to support DP. No further issue until just now when we were going through timings, and he’s just basically tried to say that we can’t go to nandos because we won’t get there (clink street nandos) and back after the match finishes in time to get to the fireworks by 5 so he gets a place to park. I’ve completely stood my ground and said we are going to nandos, I’m not changing that because

  1. hes invited himself along to mine and DD’s trip and we are not changing our tradition.
  2. he wanted to go to the fireworks after the match was confirmed so I’m not changing our tradition.

he then stated how he’s not going to eat in nandos because he wants a burger, after I asked him what we are supposed to do from 5 until the fireworks start at 7.30. Personally I’ll be bored shitless and can’t think of anything worse than standing around for 2 and half hours. I told him he doesn’t have to eat it’s up to him but me and dd will be going to nandos whether he likes it or not. He’s finally given in and said he’ll just have something small and a drink.

i understand he’s still grieving but I’ve been letting things slide (Nothing sinister, just some questionable behaviours) since February and this is something I’m not willing to budge on.

OP posts:
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Givenupshopping · 01/11/2025 13:07

Suednymph · 31/10/2025 23:51

@Kickinthenostalgia nothing clearly as do your alleged family living here. Again I reiterate NO Irish person living in Ireland has ever said it. Possibly in Northern Ireland which is same island but different country but never in Ireland itself.

How can you possibly KNOW that No Irish person living in Ireland has EVER said it? That is one of the biggest generalisations I've ever heard! Irish people may or may not find the expression racist, however, not everyone in the world will know that, I certainly didn't, and I'm sorry but at my age, it's unlikely I'll remember not to use the phrase in future, as it's something I've always said. However, I never think of Irish people as 'Paddies', so that's probably why I've never got the connection. As far as I'm concerned, people are people, whatever their race, colour, etc., there are nice ones, and not so nice ones, and quite honestly, the way you're making such a big deal about this to the OP, who also wasn't aware that the term is viewed as racist, makes me think that you're perhaps one of the latter!

Suednymph · 31/10/2025 23:51

@Kickinthenostalgia nothing clearly as do your alleged family living here. Again I reiterate NO Irish person living in Ireland has ever said it. Possibly in Northern Ireland which is same island but different country but never in Ireland itself.

Original poster
Kickinthenostalgia · 31/10/2025 23:09

Suednymph · 31/10/2025 00:12

Still say? Nobody in Ireland who has been raised here and lives here still has EVER said that. Our Irish cousins who possibly moved to the UK did but Irish people always living in Ireland have never used that term ever. It has never been a thing. I cant read the rest of your post honestly. When people start taking accountability for their wrong doings then life will work out better.

Well I’m telling you what they told me… and they very much do live still live there. 🤦‍♀️ At the end of the day some people are obviously offended and I’m sorry if I offended anyone, which was not my intention… clearly. I personally can not see how it’s racist, offensive maybe but not racist. But obviously what do I know…

OP posts:
HillOf · 31/10/2025 11:24

Snakebite61 · 31/10/2025 11:22

I've never even heard of it. And it's not racist.

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If you’ve ’never even heard of it’, I’m surprised you think you are in a position to judge.

Snakebite61 · 31/10/2025 11:22

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/10/2025 00:26

"Throwing a paddy" is a racist expression.

I've never even heard of it. And it's not racist.

Suednymph · 31/10/2025 00:12

Still say? Nobody in Ireland who has been raised here and lives here still has EVER said that. Our Irish cousins who possibly moved to the UK did but Irish people always living in Ireland have never used that term ever. It has never been a thing. I cant read the rest of your post honestly. When people start taking accountability for their wrong doings then life will work out better.

Original poster
Kickinthenostalgia · 30/10/2025 23:50

Thanks to everyone who voted and replied, even if it did derail due to something I had no idea about. I’m sorry if I offended anyone, Actually messaged my Irish cousins who still live in Ireland and it’s something they still say often and said they don’t see it as racist whatsoever.
for those asking about why I have a nandos obsession, I don’t, it’s just something we’ve done and stuck too it, a treat might you say. I can obviously change the place to eat if needs be but why should I? The principal that if you invite yourself along you don’t try change someone else’s plans…. I’m willing to go to the fireworks even though I don’t really want to, so there’s the compromise. Neither me or dd wanted to go but we’ve compromised and said we will go for DP. We also go to the clink street nandos because it’s massive so on a Saturday there’s more of a chance of getting in, it’s also well away from the football. And we like it there 🤪

OP posts:
QueenClinomania · 30/10/2025 20:43

Follow your original plan and suggest he maybe takes someone with him to do what he wants to do.

OneKhakiMoose · 30/10/2025 20:33

I can't get past the Nandos obsession and unwillingness to change plans for a once-a-year event. It seems extremely and purposefully inflexible over the sake of some chicken dressed up as a 'tradition'.

Bluestitching · 30/10/2025 15:17

You said I implied something. I implied nothing. I asked a direct question.

40YearOldDad · 30/10/2025 15:10

Bluestitching · 30/10/2025 14:53

I’m autistic. I didn’t imply.

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Sorry, that's irrelevant. I'm dyslexic - now what?

Bluestitching · 30/10/2025 14:53

40YearOldDad · 30/10/2025 14:46

You implied I did in your question, asking me to correct or give an explanation to something I didn't say, in a direct reply to my quote.

A lot of language has racist or stereotypical stereotypes behind it. But the context in which we use this language plays a far greater role than just the origins of the words or how they were used over 300 years ago. I'd certainly not try to throw someone under the bus for what the OP has said.

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I’m autistic. I didn’t imply.

40YearOldDad · 30/10/2025 14:46

Bluestitching · 30/10/2025 13:56

I merely asked you to explain how it wasn’t based on a racist trope.

I made no comment about what you said.

Show quote history

You implied I did in your question, asking me to correct or give an explanation to something I didn't say, in a direct reply to my quote.

A lot of language has racist or stereotypical stereotypes behind it. But the context in which we use this language plays a far greater role than just the origins of the words or how they were used over 300 years ago. I'd certainly not try to throw someone under the bus for what the OP has said.

Bluestitching · 30/10/2025 13:56

40YearOldDad · 30/10/2025 13:09

That's not what I said in any way. I said it wasn't used in a racist context. And I stand by that. It's amodern day slang

Saying the N word, for me growing up, rap was a big part of my youth, going to a mainly black and asian school where rap was a big part of your identity, no one would have batted an eyelid if I said it singing/rapping, but calling it someone in a derogatory way would have got you a smack in the mouth.

The context and way in which you use language is, if not, more important than the language itself.

Gay and Queer have changed massively, socially, over the years, and yet I could use the same words in a happy conversation with my gay friend, I only have one, or I could really upset them with the same words.

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I merely asked you to explain how it wasn’t based on a racist trope.

I made no comment about what you said.

Tesremos82 · 30/10/2025 13:30

TeenLifeMum · 30/10/2025 10:23

It’s not a phase I use but my Irish cousins and great grandfather did. They’re Protestant so I wonder if it’s Protestant/Catholic thing.

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I have Irish Catholic family members that also use the phrase. Not about to to correct them.

40YearOldDad · 30/10/2025 13:09

Bluestitching · 30/10/2025 12:17

Can you explain to me how the phrase “throwing a paddy” isn’t based on a racist trope?

Show quote history

That's not what I said in any way. I said it wasn't used in a racist context. And I stand by that. It's amodern day slang

Saying the N word, for me growing up, rap was a big part of my youth, going to a mainly black and asian school where rap was a big part of your identity, no one would have batted an eyelid if I said it singing/rapping, but calling it someone in a derogatory way would have got you a smack in the mouth.

The context and way in which you use language is, if not, more important than the language itself.

Gay and Queer have changed massively, socially, over the years, and yet I could use the same words in a happy conversation with my gay friend, I only have one, or I could really upset them with the same words.

Bluestitching · 30/10/2025 12:17

40YearOldDad · 30/10/2025 12:02

Don't stress it, words have meaning, but the context in which you used them was not racist.

As for your husband, tell him to go on his own. He's a grown man.

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Can you explain to me how the phrase “throwing a paddy” isn’t based on a racist trope?

KarmenPQZ · 30/10/2025 12:07

Doing something under the banner of ‘its tradition and we’ve always done it that way’ is absolutely ridiculous in my view.

roll with the times and you may find something even better than Nando’s. Or maybe not. But the world isn’t going to come crashing down.

it seems crazy not to adapt or be a little bit flexible in such things.

40YearOldDad · 30/10/2025 12:02

Kickinthenostalgia · 30/10/2025 08:29

Honestly didn’t know this…. I’ve been on mumsnet for years, never read a thread that mentions this. I’ve used this for years and no one has pulled me up for it. My Nan and family are Irish and use this constantly.

Show quote history

Don't stress it, words have meaning, but the context in which you used them was not racist.

As for your husband, tell him to go on his own. He's a grown man.

Bluestitching · 30/10/2025 11:55

I’ve reported it to hq and asked if they can amend the words. I haven’t just derailed. Fwiw.

BellesAndGraces · 30/10/2025 11:47

I also didn’t know it was racist. Thanks to everyone who pointed it out but no need to derail the thread. @Kickinthenostalgia perhaps ask Mumsnet to delete the words in your OP?

Im sorry for your DH’s loss but it’s no excuse for trying to trash the tradition you have with your DD. Stand your ground.

To stand my ground
Bluestitching · 30/10/2025 11:19

I didn’t get past your racism either. You wouldn’t say throwing a <insert any other racist stereotype word> would you?

MinnieMountain · 30/10/2025 11:16

I understand your frustration OP.

A parent dying (my DM is dead) doesn’t give you carte blanche to have things your way forever.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/10/2025 11:10

zipadeedodah · 30/10/2025 10:55

I know right - thats what happens though when one "last word freak" meets another 😀

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No.
It's important that racism is called out.