TLDR:
I'm (36M, £28k salary) moving into my GF's (37F, £44k salary) flat in new year. I'm have savings for a future house deposit, she has very limited bar equity she doesnt want to release, wants to at least keep her flat for 10 years to build the equity which makes sense, says in principle she used that to then pay off some of the mortgage if we got a house when I'd put the deposit down which is majority of my life savings before we met.
I suggested paying 70% of all bills to protect my savings instead of contributing to her mortgage. I can tell she thinks it's unfair but won't explicity say so. She has hard time not people pleasing or saying how she really feels with anyone.
My girlfriend (GF) bought her two-bed flat in Feb 2023, well before we met. We're getting serious and planning for me to move in permanently in the New Year—it’s just getting tiring packing and unpacking constantly to come to hers. I lived at home with parents. She comes over very rarely which I get. I actually prefer to be at hers due to better lighting and she encourages it especially in the winter where my mood is low. I moved about daily and workout 2-4 times a week consistently. We both shared domestic labour and contribute halves on food, fuel costs whilst I'm here as well as treating her to little surprises and gifts. She's says she loves having me around but feel there's disconnect and dissonance between what she says and how she actually feels.
The ultimate goal is to buy a house together, which is why I’ve saved up £40-50k for a deposit which is my lifetime savings; she, admittedly, has very little.
The Proposal
We initially agreed to split all costs (including the mortgage) based on our income percentage. Since then, I've had a rethink.
My new proposal is to pay 70% of all the bills (Council Tax, utilities, internet, etc.) but £0 towards her £690/month mortgage.
My Thinking (Why I'm Doing This)
Protecting My Investment: If I pay her mortgage, that money is gone forever if we break up. I don't get equity, and it slows down my ability to save for the massive deposit I plan to use on our joint home and sets me back further in my plans to move out.
The Maths Works Out: I genuinely don't think she's losing money. My high contribution to the bills (£28k vs £44k salary split) essentially frees up her money, which she could then put toward the mortgage herself or save (which I encourage). I'm not trying to short-change her; I'm trying to minimise my risk but genuinely don't think she understands how she could use the money cut back in bills to distribute towards whatever she feels to.
It’s About the Long Game: I want us to succeed, and that means protecting the deposit that will get us into a bigger home together eventually.
She's the kind of person who struggles to express feelings and manages money less consistently than me (her sister basically gifted her most of her savings). She just keeps saying "we need to think about sharing costs fairly," but that's precisely what I feel I'm doing by protecting our future large deposit while still shouldering the majority of our living expenses.
I'm thinking long-term here, not just about the next six months. I've heard too many horror stories as old as time where people get fleeced and dont have cohabiting agreement of some sort.
My concern is if the relationship went completely south I wouldn't see or get that money back. I've also paid for nearly 3k holiday for us to enjoy in December of which she is paying me back monthly for next six months. Her mortgage is relatively low for 2 bed flat in middle of Newport.
I think lot of it, is due to upbringing and culture (Afghan British Muslim). I eventually want to get married and have a child so this would be stepping stone to that. I just want to do this fairly now so by living together for extended period of time permanently, we'll know if we're compatible.
She actually sent me a tiktok about cohabiting agreement a little while ago about cohabiting couple who unlike there friends where it just never got discussed or addressed properly decide to draw up this agreement so there would be no stone unturned or potential messy unwavering consequences so alleviated any pressure or confusion in the way of divisions to allow conscious free state by knowing what each would be entitled to.
AITA for wanting to protect my savings for our future house deposit by paying the vast majority of bills instead of contributing to her existing mortgage?
Thanks,
Rob