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Original poster

AITA for proposing to pay 70% of the bills instead of contributing to my GF's mortgage to protect my savings for our future home?

162 replies

DrSpongey · 29/10/2025 19:03

TLDR:

I'm (36M, £28k salary) moving into my GF's (37F, £44k salary) flat in new year. I'm have savings for a future house deposit, she has very limited bar equity she doesnt want to release, wants to at least keep her flat for 10 years to build the equity which makes sense, says in principle she used that to then pay off some of the mortgage if we got a house when I'd put the deposit down which is majority of my life savings before we met.

I suggested paying 70% of all bills to protect my savings instead of contributing to her mortgage. I can tell she thinks it's unfair but won't explicity say so. She has hard time not people pleasing or saying how she really feels with anyone.

My girlfriend (GF) bought her two-bed flat in Feb 2023, well before we met. We're getting serious and planning for me to move in permanently in the New Year—it’s just getting tiring packing and unpacking constantly to come to hers. I lived at home with parents. She comes over very rarely which I get. I actually prefer to be at hers due to better lighting and she encourages it especially in the winter where my mood is low. I moved about daily and workout 2-4 times a week consistently. We both shared domestic labour and contribute halves on food, fuel costs whilst I'm here as well as treating her to little surprises and gifts. She's says she loves having me around but feel there's disconnect and dissonance between what she says and how she actually feels.

The ultimate goal is to buy a house together, which is why I’ve saved up £40-50k for a deposit which is my lifetime savings; she, admittedly, has very little.

The Proposal
We initially agreed to split all costs (including the mortgage) based on our income percentage. Since then, I've had a rethink.

My new proposal is to pay 70% of all the bills (Council Tax, utilities, internet, etc.) but £0 towards her £690/month mortgage.

My Thinking (Why I'm Doing This)
Protecting My Investment: If I pay her mortgage, that money is gone forever if we break up. I don't get equity, and it slows down my ability to save for the massive deposit I plan to use on our joint home and sets me back further in my plans to move out.

The Maths Works Out: I genuinely don't think she's losing money. My high contribution to the bills (£28k vs £44k salary split) essentially frees up her money, which she could then put toward the mortgage herself or save (which I encourage). I'm not trying to short-change her; I'm trying to minimise my risk but genuinely don't think she understands how she could use the money cut back in bills to distribute towards whatever she feels to.

It’s About the Long Game: I want us to succeed, and that means protecting the deposit that will get us into a bigger home together eventually.
She's the kind of person who struggles to express feelings and manages money less consistently than me (her sister basically gifted her most of her savings). She just keeps saying "we need to think about sharing costs fairly," but that's precisely what I feel I'm doing by protecting our future large deposit while still shouldering the majority of our living expenses.
I'm thinking long-term here, not just about the next six months. I've heard too many horror stories as old as time where people get fleeced and dont have cohabiting agreement of some sort.

My concern is if the relationship went completely south I wouldn't see or get that money back. I've also paid for nearly 3k holiday for us to enjoy in December of which she is paying me back monthly for next six months. Her mortgage is relatively low for 2 bed flat in middle of Newport.

I think lot of it, is due to upbringing and culture (Afghan British Muslim). I eventually want to get married and have a child so this would be stepping stone to that. I just want to do this fairly now so by living together for extended period of time permanently, we'll know if we're compatible.

She actually sent me a tiktok about cohabiting agreement a little while ago about cohabiting couple who unlike there friends where it just never got discussed or addressed properly decide to draw up this agreement so there would be no stone unturned or potential messy unwavering consequences so alleviated any pressure or confusion in the way of divisions to allow conscious free state by knowing what each would be entitled to.

AITA for wanting to protect my savings for our future house deposit by paying the vast majority of bills instead of contributing to her existing mortgage?

Thanks,

Rob

OP posts:
mydogisanidiott · 30/10/2025 09:03

Pay am amount equivalent to half the bills which presumably are in her name
Set up joint account for food and household expenses and pay in a set amount each month - nationwide flex is good as it has insurances with it for a small monthly fee.
Pay half the mortgage into a joint account. If it goes tits up you both walk away with something. If it doesn’t you can use that money for a house deposit or whatever.
She is still financially better off as she is spending less on bills.
Who will pay for upkeep of her property? Things needed for the home?

WatchingTheDetective · 30/10/2025 08:59

TheBlueHotel · 29/10/2025 19:15

You should pay 50% of bills and 0% of her mortgage.

Plus rent.

Gossyboo · 30/10/2025 08:50

The original way sounded the fairest to me, and would be setting you both up as you mean to go forward as a couple presumably, sharing costs fairly.

Based on you both contributing an amount relative to your wages, you would be paying about £268 a month "rent" if you want to phrase it that way. That's hardly being fleeced if it doesn't work out. I don't know what it's like where you are but where I live you'd pay 3-4 times that for a room in a 2 bed flat.

The way you speak about your girlfriend is quite condescending by the way, her grasp on her finances can't be that bad as she's a homeowner with a relatively low mortgage and has managed her household alone for the last few years.

Original poster
DrSpongey · 30/10/2025 08:49

ForCraftyWriter · 30/10/2025 08:13

@DrSpongey what is 50% of bills in £
How much is her mortgage monthly.
The issue may not be the cash itself but the way you’ve framed it (which comes across as selfish and money grabbing though I see that isn’t your intention)

Edited

Her bills are excluding the mortgage of £690, is £480 but then she has told me £1400 all in the past but that's her personal laser appointments and microneedling. She also said last night it costs more to be woman so there's implication there that would need to also goes halves on her personal care and sanitaries. So that doesn't feel fair as wouldn't expect her to fund my personal care. I'm splitting costs of groceries fuel and other expenses.

No it's my intention.

She has agreed to cohabiting agreement but without putting me on mortgage but doesn't want to do anything with equity if was contributing to her mortgage. She wants me to pay allowance/rent and bills. I just feel confused now as to what right thing is to do that's fair and proportional and protects both.

I just don't feel its fair for me as lower earner and to be financial burden strain on to effectively profiteering by reducing her already very small mortgage monthly payment long term while she builds up equity if then she was to kick me to curb anytime. Isn't the whole point of cohabiting agreement to protect us both? She feels if was then entitled to equity she would be homeless if she had to release it? It's like she treating me as lodger not a romantic partner, yet she's always saying to be fair and that we're partners but her actions seem to contradict that and aren't consistent whereas mine are. I'm not trying to be difficult, I just want to get to agreement where we both feel comfortable and content for both our peace of mind so it doesn't lead to resentment or arguments down the line.

Tbh I maybe have framed it in a way she doesn't understand but not sure how else could explain it as did initially explain it calmly and clear at the weekend.

Hell I'm happy to pay all the bills then she can cover mortgage.

OP posts:
StitchHappens · 30/10/2025 08:36

I think you're suggestion is fair, but I think you should be saving towards a house together if that is your intended outcome. So the savings you have already are yours, but anything going forward should be in a joint account that is halved if you split so you both gain from what has been saved through not paying her rent.

NikkiPotnick · 30/10/2025 08:32

Cerialkiller · 29/10/2025 19:29

It's generally recommended that a live in partner doesn't pay towards the mortgage because in some cases this can result in entitlement to a share of the equity (or an unsuccessful but still unpleasant court case)

By not contributing to the mortgage, the op is also protecting his gf.

They aren't married, they are not legally tied and should not co-mingle finances ideally.

Paying 70% is more then fair and you could justify 50/50 and by the sounds of it, the amounts would be far off anyway. 690 is a tiny mortgage.

Yes, if OPs DP were on here asking for advice I'd be pointing out to her that allowing someone to pay towards your mortgage is a risk. At least get a couple of years of successful cohabitation behind you before having the discussion!

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 30/10/2025 08:27

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Tiredofwhataboutery · 30/10/2025 08:26

I think it’s fair enough not to contribute to capital payments on a mortgage but the interest is essentially dead money like rent. So half the interest payment of mortgage/ half the bills. Save the remainder in case it goes badly or as a deposit to “buy in” if it goes well.

StiffAsAVicar · 30/10/2025 08:19

DoYouReally · 29/10/2025 19:10

What would it cost to rent an apartment equivalent to hers?

Pay her 50% of that and 50% of the bills.

That is the fairest way to do it.

If you can't afford to do that, you can't afford to move in and she would be better off renting out her spare room to a stranger.

This person has solved it! Thread closed

chillichoclove · 30/10/2025 08:18

How about you pay 50% of the bills and put the rent you would owe into a savings account which if you break up you split with her? And if not you add to your deposit.

dairydebris · 30/10/2025 08:16

I think your way sounds fair. I agree she can use money saved on bills to pay off her mortgage if she wishes.

I also think you talk about your partner as if you dont have much respect for her.

vivainsomnia · 30/10/2025 08:15

Any 'rent's you'd pay is tangibly the same as any contribution towards her mortgage so its pointless to argue on that point.

There's no right or wrong to go about it. When I first move with my now husband, I took a co pletely different approach and made it clear 'stated in description of the bank transfer' that I was paying towards bill AND mortgage. That's because if we were to separated, I could potentially justify in court that I had a stake on equity (potentially depending on other circumstances too but it was some very small protection against them claiming I was paying rent).

As it is, we married so it all became redundant.

ForCraftyWriter · 30/10/2025 08:13

@DrSpongey what is 50% of bills in £
How much is her mortgage monthly.
The issue may not be the cash itself but the way you’ve framed it (which comes across as selfish and money grabbing though I see that isn’t your intention)

KvotheTheBloodless · 30/10/2025 08:09

You ought to pay her rent - otherwise you're essentially sponging off her. It's not 'contributing to her mortgage', it's paying her rent.

She would be unreasonable to charge you market rate, as you're partners, but if you pay £350 a month you're getting an excellent deal still and she won't feel like she's subsidising you.

Autumn38 · 30/10/2025 08:02

DoYouReally · 29/10/2025 19:29

It's not. It's the cost of living with her or with anyone else on the area.

Why should be benefit from mooching off his GF?

Show quote history

He is offering to pay the majority of her bills (including council tax presumably) whilst she carries on paying off her own mortgage.

She wins in this situation - she is paying her mortgage off (which she’d have to do if she were single) and 30% of the amount she’d otherwise have to pay in bills.

She can save that amount and pay off more of her mortgage. If she marries OP she will also have access to his large deposit. If they break up she has been able to overpay her mortgage with the saved bill money.

I think this is a fair agreement.

Original poster
DrSpongey · 29/10/2025 23:27

GreatWhiteWail · 29/10/2025 19:12

So if, in 2 years, you broke up, you'd leave with your 50k+ (probably 75k by then...) savings pot having lived rent-free in her flat?

Unlikely I'll be able to save any by that amount. My income is my limiting factor here that I'm working on

OP posts:
Pumpkinsonastring · 29/10/2025 23:26

can’t see how paying off some landlord’s mortgage with your rent is fine, but paying off your partner’s mortgage who you live with and plan to create a financial future with isn’t

Because when you rent you feel like the place is (temporarily) yours. Even if you're renting with someone else. It feels equal in a way that living in a partner's home never quite does, because they own it and you don't. When you rent from a landlord you don't share a bed with them, they can't evict you because you've had a row and you get to do the small things like choose your own furniture etc instead of moving into somewhere where someone else has chosen it. You get to create a home (temporarily) when you rent, that's what you're paying for. When you move in with a partner it's never quite the same because you've got no rights to stay there at all, you're moving into someone else's home.

Pumpkinsonastring · 29/10/2025 23:20

I'd have a go at the living alone part first it's an important phase of life IMO and teaches you a lot about yourself and what you want from life and a relationship. As well as helping make a person a well rounded adult. It's true independence even if you're just renting a room as a lodger. It's not the same as the compromises that come with living under your parents roof or living with a partner. I don't see how anyone can truly choose a life partner versus singledom when you've never lived alone and experienced that (even if you're not actually single, it gives you a taste of it because you've space to do your own things and be totally yourself, even if you're committed to someone and won't be dating anyone else).

Pumpkinsonastring · 29/10/2025 23:09

IMO you'd be mental to pay towards the mortgage of a house you don't own. If you're the higher earner a higher % of the bills is fair, otherwise if you earn equal I'd pay bills 50/50 and she pays her mortgage herself because it's her house and you'd have no claims to it if you split up (although you could challenge that in court if you'd been paying towards the mortgage and could prove it, so it's foolish of her to risk it too IMO, especially if she's already built up equity).

If you move in together at a later date and she has a higher deposit to add from the sale of her house than you do in savings, you can get the ownership % of the new house set up accordingly. Used to be called tenants in common versus joint tenants, but I think it's called something else now although it's the same principle. With the former you can decide the percentage yourself and leave your bit in a will to whoever eg kids from a previous relationship, with the latter you both own it 100% so in the event of a divorce that's 50/50, or in the event of death the remaining one now owns it all.

It's only when you marry that you totally combine finances (in the event of a divorce, that is. You can obviously do whatever suits you both and you agree on during marriage, no need to have joint accounts if you don't want to. But legally everything you both own is basically belonging to both of you, for the purposes of it being divided up in a divorce, regardless of who's name is on what).

Original poster
DrSpongey · 29/10/2025 22:59

outerspacepotato · 29/10/2025 22:15

Have you ever lived on your own as an adult and taken care of your own place and paid rent?

Edited

Not by myself no, only with a previous partner and family

OP posts:
Original poster
DrSpongey · 29/10/2025 22:58

I knew I'd get that unwavering judgement. Tell me something I've not heard and internalised thousand times over

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 29/10/2025 22:15

Have you ever lived on your own as an adult and taken care of your own place and paid rent?

WhichBigToe · 29/10/2025 22:09

I don't understand. You say you don't think she'll be losing out financially, but that your way you will be more able to save and it won't touch your savings. Both cannot be true. If she isn't losing out financially compared to your original agreement that means you'll be spending the same amount of money, so it will have the same impact on your ability to save or use of your savings. It ultimately doesn't matter whether the money you contribute is earmarked for mortgage or for bills. It is the same money going out of your account. You need to remember that this is not the same as living with family. You are moving out of home and therefore need to pay rent and bills. If you dont want to pay rent and bills, you should continue to stay with your parents.

Periperi2025 · 29/10/2025 22:08

Half the bills including house insurance, and ground rent plus half the mortgage interest. More than half the food bill as presumably you eat more as a man. Would be more reasonable.

She can still fully cover the repayment component of the mortgage and all maintenance/ home improvements costs, as this adds capital/equity.

I think it is too early in the relationship to be splitting things according to how much you each earn. Keep it 50/50 at this stage.

Anywherebuthere · 29/10/2025 22:00

Does the extra 20% you pay equate to half of the going rent rate?

If its less then you both need to discuss this because at the moment it sounds like you will pay extra 20%, get to save and live rent free at her expense.

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