AITA for proposing to pay 70% of the bills instead of contributing to my GF's mortgage to protect my savings for our future home?

When my now husband moved in to my flat, I paid all of my mortgage (which, albeit, was tiny), we split the bills 50/50 and he covered the food shop.
I didn't charge him "rent" as I didn't want to make money off of him living with me.
I sold my flat last year and we bought a house together. We put in equal deposit on the house and halved all fees for the purchase. I paid any fees relating to the sale of my flat, and the remaining profit of the flat was mine.
It all ran very smoothly, unlike this, which sounds like a complicated mess! We lived in my flat for 3 years and then we bought the house.

So OP has the right to live rent free? Nice.

Pay 50% of bills excluding her mortgage - as you’re not getting entitlement to the property or equity in the event of split

By total bills I mean utilities, internet, council tax, house insurance.
Food and entertainment should be separate.

I would be valuing what you should pay vs what you do pay and I would adjust them to be fair

What you're getting effectively is half a double room, so if you look at rents in your local area - in similar houses to where you are now - for a double room inclusive of bills. Add at least £100 a month for the couple sharing supplement and then halve it - that's the value of the accommodation you are receiving.

Then I would value what you're actually paying to see if it matches up.

The difference in what you pay for bills is the key amount, which is 40% of the total. (70%-30%)

You should also factor in that utility bills will have increased plus she loses her single person council tax allowance. So calculate say 35% of the total bills to adjust for these things. That's probably generous, if you use a lot of electricity you should calculate a lower percentage.

Compare the two and see if you're paying a fair amount.

Your proposed additional 20% of bills over and above your 50% fair share comes nowhere near a reasonable contribution to your living costs. Your suggestion is that you should live almost rent-free at her expense.

You aren't married, you may eventually get married but maybe not. It is totally inappropriate for you to be freeloading like this at this stage.

What would be fair would be that you should pay 50% of the bills and put 100% of a sensible sum for what you would be paying in rent if you weren't in her flat into a JOINT savings account that you don't spend but which will either be split 50:50 if you do split up, or will be used to pay off the flat or contribute to a shared home if you end up getting married and sharing everything.

No, he said it in the context of her talking about him partially funding her beauty treatments and toiletries because "it costs more to be a woman". She feels entitled to his money because she feels (or claims to feel - for all we know she could just enjoy looking a certain way and the treatments) societal pressure to maintain certain beauty standards as a woman. Whether it's true or not, it isn't his problem unless he's putting that pressure on her too. Her feelings of inadequacy in her natural state is her issue to deal with.

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OP, if that's all the bills and all the ground rent (especially if that's the entire year's ground rent) then you already know my opinion - she's taking the piss. I don't consider her mortgage payments or her personal beauty spending to be joint bills, so if that's the majority of what she'd be paying then IMO it's unfair. If those figures are half the bills and half the 3 months of ground rent, plus the rest you mentioned, then fair enough.

Not giving someone time to think things through is applying unnecessary pressure and a favourite tactic of abusive people (not that I'm saying she is one necessarily, but it's potentially a red flag). If you don't have time to think, you can't realise you're being taken for a mug and if you don't realise it, you can't do anything about it.

How far away do you live now? Is moving in with her going to mean removals costs, changing job etc? And how do your parents feel about it, are you going to be welcomed back if it doesn't work out or are they going to be doing a happy dance and measuring up your room for their new study furniture (or whatever else they may do with the room) the second you've closed the front door behind you? Just stuff for you to think about. I knew I'd made a huge mistake trusting my ex after 2 weeks. But I'd given up everything and felt I had to stay and try to make it work. Bad move, that. Ended up losing another 6yrs of my life to that shit show. Have a plan B, is what I'm saying.

It's one thing to move in with her for a trial on a whim if it means packing a suitcase and heading back to your parents after two weeks and the first major row. It's another matter entirely if you're uprooting your entire life for her and will have to do so again if you leave.

You're not wrong to take your time to think about it and want the details hashed out. If the relationship fails, nothing much changes for her, you're the one with all the upheaval. It's not good that she's dismissive of that. She's got her opinion and maybe is frustrated by you still living with parents and not a fully fledged adult at 36 and wanting to see if you'll step up before she commits herself emotionally any further, which is understandable. That's a total guess though. Does she think you're an underachiever because you're a chronic overthinker (not saying you're necessarily either)? Or is she impulsive and you're a planner? Whatever, she sounds impatient or frustrated or something. At the end of the day you both are kind of at different life stages/different lifestyles, as other posters have mentioned. But to be so dismissive of your opinion and your circumstances still isn't good. You're a person you know? You count too. You're not an accessory to her life.

You sound like you want to build a life with her, even if you do partly sound like it's just because that's better than a house share, you sound willing to commit. She honestly sounds like she just wants you moved in and paying up, with a view to paying more in future. Even though you're the lower earner. To me, she sounds like a mercenary shit bag, sorry. I don't think much of people who only value others for what they can get out of them. Maybe money equals commitment, to her? For some people it is basically all they really care about 🤷.

How old is she? Is she getting desperate to have children or has ambitions to own a huge house or something else she can't realistically achieve alone? I'm just wondering why, if she's so focused on money as she seems to be, why she hasn't gone for someone who's actually got some 🤔. So maybe she really loves you and is overlooking the incompatibility elements. Or maybe she's out to take you for everything you've got because where else you going to go, it's not like you can easily afford to move out once you're there, especially if she's got you convinced to pay for almost everything. I don't have a crystal ball any more than you do. We've got a saying on here though - when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I'm seeing pushy, money grabbing, dismissive. Her lovely qualities would have to be something really special for me to consider overlooking that. You're the one who knows her and it's your life. You're the only one who can choose.

Sorry, that was looooooong. Good luck whatever you decide.

I’ve read all the thread. I would go for an offer of a flat rate. £500/month. In a shared account where bills and food and paid from. a written agreement that you have no interest in her equity.

You get to move out and be a grown up. She gets to share her space with someone she actively wants to share with. She’s better off and you’re much better off than if you moved into a grotty HMO.

On equity. Most flats in the UK bought in 2023 will have zero or negative equity at this point.

The missing factor is the point at which you will definitely make a choice to properly combine your finances and future (or not). You are both of an age where you need to make a decision quite soon if you both want a family. There are many threads in here from women who spent their last fertile years with someone who wouldn’t commit.

You do sound very cautious and sensible but sometimes you do have to make a bit of a leap of faith. And hopefully you understand that if you start a family that takes ALL the money! (But worth it over and over).

Best of luck.

I think when Landords are charging £800-£1000 for tiny box room in 4-5 man house is not exactly enticing. Living with one other person would be okay but still a risk with a stranger, with potential of having to move constantly around.

It's depressing. At least I can help my girlfriend out as much as possible and before anyone starts I cook, clean, do all domestic responsibilities. She never has to ask me.

You sound like you're only moving in with her because you don't like the alternatives. That's not a good start to a relationship. If you start off on the footing that you're grateful to be allowed to skivvy for her (she should be doing the domestic duties too, not you doing everything), coupled with the fact she sounds like she's using you anyway, you're at risk of falling into a situation where you're treated with disrespect and not as an equal partner. When it comes to equality, who owns what and who earns what doesn't matter, as people you're equals, neither of you is more important than the other. We all are equals on this planet. Just keep an eye out that you don't start to develop low self esteem or depression in this relationship and if you do, accept that it's an unhealthy relationship that isn't good for you and get out of it before it gets worse.

I wonder if you'll both find you're just financially incompatible TBH. She sounds like she wants certain standards of living and to hell with the cost and you sound like you want to do things with one eye on the budget. Neither attitude is intrinsically wrong, she can afford her lifestyle and you're being sensible to not get into debt, but it possibly means you're never going to be in alignment. Time will tell whether you can find a workable compromise. She doesn't seem very willing to compromise though, is my worry.

Mortgage consists of equity and interest.
Interest is effectively a rent, consumed that month.

That's how you may view it @FourIsNewSix . My view is it's part and parcel of home ownership, which you know when you decide to buy one. I'd never pay towards someone else's mortgage and I never will, it's my line in the sand. I don't advise others to do so either.

If OP wants to combine finances to an extent and pay a mortgage with her they can jointly buy somewhere together, that they've both chosen and are both happy with the mortgage payments for.

His GF decided to buy this house alone, the mortgage (all of it) is her burden to bear IMO. She's benefitting from the situation by being in control of her own home and who lives in it. If the relationship doesn't work out she can get him out without notice or legal proceedings. That's the upside to the fact it's her house, the downside is she has to pay for it.

You say you love to lead and be a protector and a provider (whilst hating the patriarchy) but you’re 36, still live with your parents and are a low earner.

You speak as if you know better than your girlfriend, that she’s been childish at times. Yet she’s left home, bought a property with all the stress and admin that goes with that, successfully lives alone and earns a fair bit more than you.

I do think you need to open your eyes a bit here. Try living in a house share for a while and do some proper adulting before trying to lay down the law to your girlfriend.

I would totally only pay below market rent to share a bedroom with tbe owner. Market rent I want a bedroom to myself for!

but otherwise yes op should pay half bills plus rent. She should be better off for you being there and you should be better off compared to renting (here I do not care that one partner was living at home so no costs, go live back at home then if you want to argue home was free)

Because I'm questioning how much of this is AI

You should pay half bills and half of the interest part of her mortgage which is basically like rent. If you’re not happy to do that don’t move in and let her get a lodger instead.

Folks you know the rules re troll/AI hunting - just report the post.

Don't engage with them OP, they know what to do.

But how much rent are you paying at the moment??

also you must be paying 100% of utilities and their standing charges so you should be quids in. How much are your existing costs v your proposed costs??

I’m glad you’ve backtracked on not paying half of sanitary wear in the weekly shop, if it bothers you that much you should do separate shops and have cupboard with your names on

Why do you keep substituting the present for the past tense?

Well Op, what confusion!

I'm not going to add to it apart from to say - do not under any circumstances pay mortgage on a property that you do not own. You split up - you lose.
Honestly, someone has already suggested this - go rent somewhere alone for a while. Even if it's just 6 months. See how you feel after that.

I think that you are right to protect your savings, your gf is earning a lot more than you so you paying 70% of the bills seems a fair deal as she needs to pay her mortgage whether you live there or not.
If she is not happy with the deal perhaps you need to have a rethink about your relationship.

Sorry, make that 25% for the lost council tax discount. So if she pays £100 now it will go up to £133.33.

I think you might not be financially compatible as you clearly have different priorities - short term luxuries vs long term investment.

1. She should charge you whatever rent she thinks is reasonable as part of a lodger agreement. A lodger agreement is supposed to include all bills. Keep in mind she will lose the single person council tax discount so that bill will go up by 20%. Ground rent could be £250/12=£20.83 a month.
2. You don't get to live rent-free. Don't be a cocklodger. If you want to live rent free then stay with your parents.
3. It is not to her benefit for you to pay (part of) 'the mortgage' or ground rent. This could give you an interest in her property while you're in a trial period, and would be a legal mess if the trial period doesn't work out.
4. A lodger agreement would allow you to move out immediately without further costs if it goes wrong.
5. You could invest your cash more wisely than a savings account.
6. Come to an agreement for the first 3 months, then see whether it needs to be amended.