Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

Your family are rubbish! Sorry

How can they gatekeep people?

I'm inclined to not ask ExH, not go to the wedding either and risk them not speaking to you again. I'm not sure you'd be worse off!

So not the most supportive family then? I am appalled for you. My family were great when I told them about my ex-H. I would suggest you get them to ask him and if he says yes, they can deal with pick up and drop off too.

Have you had support from anyone else? Women's Aid or similar? This must be so difficult for you. I would be re-thinking about keeping contact with them if you feel strong enough.

Oh no. Really sorry this. How horrible for you.

Your sibling and parents are behaving abominably in this.

They've put you in a position whereby you're likely to get grief no matter what you do. If you ask ex then you're in the firing line, but if you don't and they do they're giving him the ammunition to say "how dare you suggest I'd deprive dd the chance of being a bridesmaid"

I know they gatekeep other relatives, but these people have no regard for your safety, or the well being of your DD (they wouldn't risk putting her in the middle if they did) and you really need to question if having her around them, and normalising a relationship with them to her, is wise.

I don't think there is any need to lie, particularly as that could cause problems down the line if they contact him.

It's short notice. The OP has completely understandable reasons to stick strictly to the terms of the contact agreement.

If they can't understand that it is their problem, not the OP's.

Ffs, why do you even want contact with these people? No wonder you married an abusive cunt, he’s just like your family.

either tell them you asked him and he said no or get them to ask him. Families are such wankers.

They sound horrible.
You dont need that. Your life is hard enough and they want to make it harder why?
Your daughter isn't even bothered.

If anyone's sabotaging the wedding it's them with this bonkers approach. Now a number of guests will find it difficult if not impossible to book leave to come.

Agree with just telling them that you asked and he said no.

Also agree with your plan to go no contact once your older relatives are no longer in the picture. Though I bet they come back to you when your parents need care, rather than asking golden sibling!

Even if he wasn’t abusive, it’s not unreasonable for him to want to spend his birthday with his child. If it’s that important there are 355 other days in the year they could have picked from.

id just tell them he said no

My parents eloped and didn’t tell anybody for TWO YEARS.
I don’t remember if they ever explained why, but it didn’t affect anyone else.
I think it had to do with my dad’s staying in school. He did, and he graduated from university with mum by his side.
Maybe the parents were worried they were too young, but this was after my dad had seen combat in France & Germany in WWII.
I imagine WWII aged everybody.
We laugh that my parents had to get married because my brother was born three years after they ran away to get married.

Yes - presumably if he said yes, there would be a price to pay, and why should the OP put herself through that when the sibling can't even be bothered to give proper notice for the wedding?

Tell them he said no.

Or drop them all. I saw you wrote about other elderly family, and I do understand that.

Sorry you're being put in this situation. But you know, and I know, that just by asking your ex will do something to try and sabotage that wedding/you having a good time. Like you said, keeping your daughter, putting in another court application, your daughter being put in the middle and told adult issues. But we both know there is no way your daughter will be allowed to go... maybe if he was invited too 😄 🤣 sure that would be delightful for your parents, but definitely not you!

Lie, say it's short notice and he already has plans that include DD.

I'm so sorry for you OP. I hope you have other people in your life who are supportive to you.

Why can’t you simply state to him that your sister is getting married, it’s on his birthday in 6 weeks time and they have asked dd to be a bridesmaid, you are fine with him saying no but your family really want her there. He can then say yes or no, you are in the clear with your family because you asked

It's very short notice even without the problem of court ordered contact times.

You can't give somebody that little notice for a wedding and then complain that it's been ruined by their non attendance.

Personally I wouldn't lie to your family.

I'd stand your ground and remind them of the court order, particularly if they're likely to contact XH themselves to check if you've asked.

As for keeping your wedding date a secret for a year then telling people 6 weeks before, fuck that. How self indulgent.

I'd let the cards fall on this one and see where they land.

Did they not know your arrangements with your childcare and would therefore have known DC would be with ex-h?

Absolutely this!

There are only 2 people in this entire situation whose opinions of you matter. Those people are you and your DD.

These 2 people are the only ones whose wishes need to be taken into account and whose needs should be prioritised over other people's wants.

Please don't lie, or contact your ex, or tell your family to contact him. I'm sure that would probably work with normal people, but neither your ex nor any member of your family is normal.

I'm so sorry that you're beset by arseholes. It isn't your fault. I can see why you ended up married to an abuser - it's all your parents fitted you for. But the cycle of abuse can end now, with you and your DD.

Let the arseholes fart out their poison and tell each other why you're so awful. Let them stew in their own miasma. It doesn't matter. Their opinions and interpretations don't matter. Please refer back to para 1.

No she is being an adult. She has a bullshit family and is doing her best to defuse the agro’ . I totally get it, being in a similar situation myself. Life isn’t always black and white.
OP your sister is in the wrong here. The suggestion to text your ex from pp, is sensible. Essentially none of this has anything to do with you. God I thought I was awful giving people 6 months notice!

I am so sorry that they treat you this way and don’t believe you - I hope you have some really amazing friends that love you, believe you and support you. What a rotten way for your parents to treat you.

Exactly. Unless you’ve been in a relationship with an abuser it’s hard to understand. I never, ever ask my ex for anything. I refuse to discuss child maintenance with him directly because his reaction to things can be terrifying or just just vindictive and the children get stuck in the middle and suffer the most.