Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

I cut my mum out of my life for this reason.

Hmmm. Why on earth would you continue to have anything to do with them? They don’t believe you when you say that your exH was violent (?!wtf?!), they know the CAO terms and that you’ve been dragged through court REPEATEDLY(!) and still planned the wedding for one of only 2 days in the whole year that you would have trouble having DD…and then threaten YOU will be ruining things if you don’t jeapordise what sounds like a shaky truce with exH? Who needs enemies with family like this? If you want to, you can pretend you asked and it was a no. Otherwise, how old is DD? If she’s old enough you could say to her that if she wants to be a BM she can check with Dad, as it’s his day to have her.
Tbh this would be the final nail for me. The threats and drama (making themselves out to be the victims when they chose the date!!)… not healthy to have them in your life. Sorry OP. YANBU!!!

Op is damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. This is how I see it.

a) lie and say she’s asked him when she hasn’t, potentially getting found out later on
b) ask him and risk him using it against her in the future
c) tell her family no, she can’t ask him and they have to basically get over it.

No easy solution. I would do C and to hell with them going NC or whatever else

I would probably ask him half heartedly. Expect him to say no. Then communicate the no.
Then you have done all you can do. There isnt much else you can do and you have done as asked and the answer is no.

There's never any point in asking an abuser to deviate from the court order, they either refuse or you will ‘owe them one’. The CAO is in place to prevent this happening!!

I think people are missing this.

I mean, your dick family wouldn’t think of inviting your exH just to ensure your DD is there, would they ?

The ex is abusive. OP has explained that she doesn’t want to ask him because he has caused difficulties before around swapping dates. That’s why there’s a CAO in place - to make it clear who has DD and when, and to stop any opportunity for him to cause problems. DD doesn’t particularly want to go to the wedding and OP’s family are so controlling that they have known this date for a year and not told anyone until six weeks before the actual event.

I can’t see how her family can fail to be aware of the court order and yet they manage to pick one of the dates that’s a no-no. Parents are threatening to go NC if OP doesn’t ask, and they refuse to believe he’s abusive. And you think OP is the unreasonable one ?

Agreed, particularly not telling months in advance, someone whose daughter they want to be a bridesmaid and whom they know to be in a difficult court situation with their ex.

I agree.

Please don't pretend to have asked OP. They sound capable of going over your head and speaking to him directly. You'd risk being found out. He'd love that, and their opinion that you are the problem, and a liar, would be supported.
I'd send him a message to say you've said no, due to the court order, but they are upset and might contact him.

Say you asked him and he said no.

I’d keep it short, factual and neutral: which is the best way to deal with abusive people.

Under the terms of the Child Arrangements Order DD will be in the care of her Dad on that date to celebrate his birthday. She will not be able to join you for the wedding.

There's never any point in asking an abuser to deviate from the court order, they either refuse or you will ‘owe them one’. The CAO is in place to prevent this happening!!

If they were minded to contact him directly, they would have done so already.

Because it is a terrible idea to lie about an abusive ex's response to parents that are likely to contact him themselves.

@SpoilingTheWedding so just ask your ex. If he says no then the answer is no. Put it in writing:

"Dear eX. On <date> my sister is getting married, and she would like DD to be a a bridesmaid. I have already told my sister that DD will be unable to attend as this is your birthday and she will be with you on that day, but my sister is insisting that I still ask you. So is it possible that DD attends the wedding that day? Do not feel under any obligation to say yes. The decision is entirely yours and I will respect your decision. Thanks"

@SpoilingTheWedding why are you ignoring the first post which has the best solution?

Would asking your ex but framing it as 'I totally understand if you don't want to, and no hard feelings if it's not convenient as I understand you likely want to spend your birthday with daughter'? Or will that still antagonise him?

Based on this I think you should just ditch the lot of them, but I see you’ve got other relatives you want to keep in touch with through them. Could you ask your ex by email or text so that you’ve got a record of his response. Then show it to them and let them contact him and sort it out directly if they want to. Just make sure they can’t blame you for it. If he then dicks around on the day and doesn’t let your daughter go you’ve not actually lost anything. Just let them deal with it themselves and keep out of it.

Let them ask him then.

Your family sound as coercive and controlling as your Ex.

Please don't encourage OP to lie. When you're dealing with an abuser, this is the last thing you should do.

If it's safe to contact the ex - I'd do this.

if not - I do a ambiguous - I've done all I can text and remind them it's all court ordered contact times.

Are you the only ones who had the date withheld till now? As 6 weeks in Decemeber there may be more than a few who have other commitments or can't get time off work.

Both sides are being so unfair. I really feel for you, OP.

I'd be wary of doing this in case they found out further down the line.

Perhaps just email him, "my sister would like to know if you'd consider changing dates so DD can be a bridesmaid at her wedding", get the no from him or no reply, and pass that back to her.

Also, I wonder if the short notice and time of year is causing them issues and this is why they're being extra cunty? No justification for it of course, they've been stupid keeping it secret, but maybe they're in danger of having very few or eeven no people there!

My only opinion here is that your ex is a dick, your family are dicks and you are better off without the lot of them. I wouldn’t ask him because he'll just cause problems and your poor DD will be stuck in the middle. Who the hell doesn’t tell people the wedding day till 6 weeks before then expects everyone to be able to turn up?