Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

Is there any chance your ex will cancel DD coming that day as he has birthday plans? I wouldnt pretend to ask him and would genuinely ask him just incase he ends up rearranging later on and end up with DD on the wedding day despite all the trouble x

I have an ex like this and family who think I exaggerated it all and he was charming.

I might tell them I asked him and he said no. But I suspect they may then chase him and then I look like the drama queen they think I am so probably just say absolutely not and if tell them they cannot accept this then they are telling me how little they care about their daughter. Frame it so they will look bad not you- it’s all about appearance with people like this.

No fucking way do you rock the boat with ex when if/when he kicks off instead of support you get shit from them too. You are worth more, you can stand your ground and not need to feel guilty, and if they fall out with you over this what are you loosing? Do they support you?

I’d do this. You can’t win. It’s not reasonable to keep the lie up indefinitely. If you don’t say anything then you risk “my dd had the chance to be a bridesmaid and you wouldn’t let her” narrative from him. Best to be as upfront as possible - tell him the event is happening and you’ve told them dd can’t come as it’s his day but warn him they may get in touch - tell them he’s said no, or hasn’t replied or tell them they need to speak to him themselves. Nobody is happy but they can’t pin a big lie on you or call you obstructive etc.

I would probably write something similar on an email and copy in everyone. Though maybe in real life that’s just too awkward. I’d just like everyone to see exactly what I’d written and to whom so no one can twist anything

Yes this is exactly what I would do

“exH, my sibling is getting married and would like DD to be a bridesmaid. I’ve just been told the date of the wedding and it falls on your birthday. I have informed my family that our CAO stipulates that DD spends the day with the parent on their respective birthdays. My family are disappointed and have asked me to ask you directly. I am remaining neutral. Whilst I think it would be a very memorable and special occasion for DD to be involved in, I also understand the CAO is there to make things simple and predictable. Therefore I said I would ask you, but please understand there is no pressure from me for you to agree to this. Whatever you decide is fine with me.”

You could try the court ordered it and there is no time to go back to court and try to get that changed.

In light of this my response would be:

1. tell brother to go fuck himself
2. tell parents to go fuck themselves
3. block all of them on everything and make room for better people in your life

Honestly OP, it is not acceptable to threaten you with banishment if you don’t ask your abusive, controlling ex for a favour to please others.

Jesus wept, not only would I not be asking him I’d be blocking my family and never contacting them again. You poor thing, a hideous exH and awful family.

@SpoilingTheWedding I think even if you ask him he might lie to them (say he says no and says later to them ‘spoiling the wedding never asked’).

So I’d phrase it as ‘birthdays are massive in his family and if I ask him, he will definitely say no. But here’s his number - if you ask, he might say yes to you?’

Give them the control and see what they do.

Her sister has put her in an awful position and is pretending that her niece not being there ruins the whole wedding.

Obviously that is rubbish because if the nieces presence was that critical they’d have agreed the date first.

Rtft

Why not just ask. He can only say no.

I agree. There isn’t an easy answer.

If she lies and is found out (at any point in the future) she’s laid herself open to further abuse. If she asks he’ll use it against her. If she doesn’t ask her family will behave atrociously (and he will claim he’d have cooperated if given the chance).

Sorry Op - your family should never have put you in this position.

If the other party continues to be obstructive, at least you tried

I think the bigger potential problem is that he says yes, and then uses it as a bargaining chip either now or later.

it is her aunt’s wedding and in my family the child would not be given the choice.

Given the way the OP has been treated, the short notice, and the lack of concern for OP's need to keep to the terms of the court order there is no obligation for either of them to go.

I'm so sorry, Op - both your brother and parents sounds like absolute shits.

I'd be tempted to go NC but I fear you've had a lifetime of this kind of shit from them so they have you primed for accepting their vile behaviour.

Do you even want to be at the wedding?

Could you get DB to approach Ex, rather than you?

Could you send a message to DB along the lines of 'Unfortunately the arrangement for Ex to have DD on his birthday is court ordered and last time I dared to even ask to swap a weekend he refused to send her home. Maybe he'd be more likely to change dates if you ask? It's always a flat no to me. Here are his details.'

That way you put the onus on him and avoid having to speak to ex?

Maybe that's bending over backwards too much to meet really unreasonable demands.?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.

Why not have your parents do exactly this - if he is manipulative he might actually say yes to them and whilst then they will probably be assholes to you about it at least you’ve avoided the other drama of running the wedding. You can sell it to them as - he has so much respect for you that whilst he will never say yes to me, he might say yes to you guys?

Sounds like she doesn’t much care for her sister then, which is a different issue entirely.

Wow. That is beyond hurtful to you. I’m sorry that you were not better supported.
I’m assuming your sibling knows the arrangement with your ex, and did not take that into consideration. Thats fine, her choice, but not fair to pressure YOU to have to ask a favour of someone who has abused you to suit her decision.
I’d stand firm, say no, and maybe even consider whether your family are healthy for you to be around..

I think OP is more concerned about him saying yes to be honest.

Surely your family know what he’s like and how you’d expect him to act. No harm in asking and if he says no don’t bother pushing it - you tried ?

Yes I do. Ex was abusive in the relationship. They are now co-parenting. Part of co-parenting involves trying to co-parent. If the other party continues to be obstructive, at least you tried. As for DD not being bothered about attending the wedding: it is her aunt’s wedding and in my family the child would not be given the choice. If her father says no, he says no. Otherwise, she should attend.

If they’ve known for a year, why on earth would they keep it a secret, what’s the point in that? Moreover why keep it a secret from you knowing there is a court order in place and it would need to be well arranged before hand not in 6 bloody weeks!!

Let the golden child have the wedding without you, sounds like you’d be dodging a massive bullet to be honest - they sound bloody awful. Anyone (even family) who sided with my abusive ex can sod right off!! I’m sorry you have to put up with this crap. 🤗

On basis of this I wouldn't go to wedding and not sorry about upsetting family.

You’ve never been in an abusive relationship have you ?