Page 6 | Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

chipsandpeas · 29/10/2025 19:46

is your ex likely to say Yes if your parents did contact him

Original poster

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 19:38

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 29/10/2025 17:40

Hmmm. Why on earth would you continue to have anything to do with them? They don’t believe you when you say that your exH was violent (?!wtf?!), they know the CAO terms and that you’ve been dragged through court REPEATEDLY(!) and still planned the wedding for one of only 2 days in the whole year that you would have trouble having DD…and then threaten YOU will be ruining things if you don’t jeapordise what sounds like a shaky truce with exH? Who needs enemies with family like this? If you want to, you can pretend you asked and it was a no. Otherwise, how old is DD? If she’s old enough you could say to her that if she wants to be a BM she can check with Dad, as it’s his day to have her.
Tbh this would be the final nail for me. The threats and drama (making themselves out to be the victims when they chose the date!!)… not healthy to have them in your life. Sorry OP. YANBU!!!

She's 11

OP posts:

Original poster

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 19:37

tanstaafl · 29/10/2025 17:37

I mean, your dick family wouldn’t think of inviting your exH just to ensure your DD is there, would they ?

If they do and he goes I won't be there

It's one thing to sit near him at DDs school events, or her birthday parties but to go to a family event and he be there, I couldn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 19:33

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 29/10/2025 17:01

If it's safe to contact the ex - I'd do this.

if not - I do a ambiguous - I've done all I can text and remind them it's all court ordered contact times.

Are you the only ones who had the date withheld till now? As 6 weeks in Decemeber there may be more than a few who have other commitments or can't get time off work.

Edited

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Apparently no-one knew when it was, not even my parents, my parents think it's sweet and kind of romantic they kept it secret.

OP posts:

Coconutter24 · 29/10/2025 19:22

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 18:22

One of my parents always answers their elderly relatives phone so I can't speak to them without my parent knowing, if I go round because my parents live near to them they also come round and take them out so I don't get time with them.

The other on the other side of my family is bedbound so always has a relative with them, my parent tells me if/when I can go and see them, if I turn up outside of those times I get emotional abuse about how I'm putting that relative under so much pressure and they need a lot of rest, even if my parents not there, someone else will let my parent know.

If I cut my parents off they'd prevent all contact with these relatives, so I am holding on until those relatives are no longer around.

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You will be far better off without your family, obviously I understand keeping the contact for the sake of the relationships with the elderly family.

RomComPhooey · 29/10/2025 19:17

AGirlCalledJohnny · 29/10/2025 15:39

Everyone (apart from you OP) sounds atrocious. Don’t lie and say you asked, it sounds like they’d be happy to contact him and ask themselves anyway. Just rinse and repeat it’s not possible and keep your head down, esp as your DD isn’t bothered (wonder why?).

They’ll tantrum no doubt, but you know exactly how they will react so make your peace with it, grey rock and detach as they inevitably do. Like who the fuck threatens to not see their only granddaughter because she has COURT ORDERED contact with your abusive ex for the eejits who thought it would be oh so charming incredibly arrogant to spring a wedding on everyone in 6 weeks during the busiest, highly planned, time of year for most people.

Do let us know how that all works out OP 🤣

Edited

Not only are people stretched by commitments at that time of year, it is a very expensive month for most people. It’s a big ask to expect people to stump up for travel, hotel stays and wedding gifts in December when they’ve only had 6 weeks’ notice. A longer run up gives people time to budget. It’s a dick move all round.

I’m sorry you have been put in this position. They’re being unreasonable.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 29/10/2025 19:16

Suggestion- contact him in whatever way you usually would, and say-
’DSis is marrying on your birthday, and wants DD as a bridesmaid. Obviously she can’t as it’s your day. DM and DF insisted I ask, though.’

That way you aren’t asking so he’s less likely to withhold her. In fact he can potentially annoy you by letting her go, which might float his boat.
Worth a try?

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2025 19:08

I'd just go grey rock with whole family. They sound awful. Make the most of your time with your lovely DD and let the wider family get on with their toxic relationships.

Douchey · 29/10/2025 19:01

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

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Urm what?! I feel like id go very low contact with my family if they didn't believe me about something so serious.

HeyThereDelila · 29/10/2025 18:58

Your family sound abusive and controlling too; I’m so sorry OP.

Could they have chosen this date deliberately? Don’t risk a row with ex DH. They shouldn’t have put you in this position.

ShiftingSand · 29/10/2025 18:55

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

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So they don’t believe their own child’s ex was violent and they use emotional blackmail when they find out that their grandchild won’t be able to be a bridesmaid. Maybe if they contact the ex they will discover from his reaction that he’s not the person they thought he was.

frostedpixie · 29/10/2025 18:54

I'm so sorry. You have a violent ex and a family who believe his bs.
Personally, I'd already have gone no contact. You deserve better.
Let them phone the bastard if they don't have a problem with him.
Sending hugs 💐

Hoppinggreen · 29/10/2025 18:51

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

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In which case Fuck the lot of them and enjoy your future without them in your life

PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 29/10/2025 18:50

Id 100% say you asked him and he said no. End of.
Your family are horrible. I hope your life gets easier, and happier once you can distance yourself a bit further from them.

Randomesttnought · 29/10/2025 18:50

Wow! Wedding in December with no save the date.

I think your daughter attending as bridesmaid will be the least of their issues. They probably are going to have a lot of no shows.

Starlight7080 · 29/10/2025 18:49

They should have told you sooner. Who keeps the date secret. They all sound like hard work.
I wouldn't risk rocking the boat with your ex. Not in December. You dont want any drama with him overlapping on to Christmas.

WellYouWereMythTaken · 29/10/2025 18:46

Alittlefrustrated · 29/10/2025 17:27

Please don't pretend to have asked OP. They sound capable of going over your head and speaking to him directly. You'd risk being found out. He'd love that, and their opinion that you are the problem, and a liar, would be supported.
I'd send him a message to say you've said no, due to the court order, but they are upset and might contact him.

Yep, agree with this. Just invites trouble with people like this (ex and your shitty relatives).

No5ChalksRoad · 29/10/2025 18:42

I would suggest to your family that gatekeeping and isolating the vulnerable elderly might be viewed askance by a social worker or the police. If they decide to make your contact with these people difficult, you will have nothing to lose by calling social services and requesting an investigation.

AngelinaFibres · 29/10/2025 18:41

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

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Oh dear god your parents are arseholes

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/10/2025 18:41

WilfredsPies · 29/10/2025 16:12

I think that this is a really sensible idea. You aren’t going to risk upsetting him so he doesn’t return your DD and you can’t be accused of lying if they bump into him at any point.

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Yes. On reflection, that def sounds like a reasonable solution.

Your parents sound awful OP and I'd be trying to get as much space from them as possible. Weddings tend to put this kind of behaviour into overdrive so perhaps its a mercy that its only in six weeks time. I'd keep out of it as much as possible.

I agree with pps that their treatment of you could be why you ended up with an abusive ex in the first place. I hope you can get some kind of help to deal with this. Best of luck to you and your DD.

Lotsofsnacks · 29/10/2025 18:41

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 18:22

One of my parents always answers their elderly relatives phone so I can't speak to them without my parent knowing, if I go round because my parents live near to them they also come round and take them out so I don't get time with them.

The other on the other side of my family is bedbound so always has a relative with them, my parent tells me if/when I can go and see them, if I turn up outside of those times I get emotional abuse about how I'm putting that relative under so much pressure and they need a lot of rest, even if my parents not there, someone else will let my parent know.

If I cut my parents off they'd prevent all contact with these relatives, so I am holding on until those relatives are no longer around.

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Omg your family are so abusive to you OP, how dare they ‘gate keep’ elderly relatives, can you not sneak in at all when they don’t know you are going? They can’t watch the one that lives nearby 24/7?? What do u think the reason is they don’t want u going? Is it inheritance related maybe?

Re: wedding, sod them, just don’t go!!!

Outside9 · 29/10/2025 18:27

Rosscameasdoody · 29/10/2025 17:42

You’ve never been in an abusive relationship have you ?

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I've given my opinion. OP can do whatever they want.

whynotwhatknot · 29/10/2025 18:26

even if they didnt want to tell guests the date you tell the wedding party ffs

hope noone turns up

moto748e · 29/10/2025 18:25

MyOliveStork · 29/10/2025 14:55

Just say you asked him and he said no.

Don't think telling checkable lies puts you in a good light. Or on the high moral ground.

TheTwitcher11 · 29/10/2025 18:24

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 14:53

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

Sounds like them cutting contact would be doing you a favour! (If you don’t rely on your mum for support in other ways)