Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

But you really believe that your parents hated you??

Naive? How many people on here with more than one child loves or prefers one child over another? I do not know of a single person in real life where the parents love one child more.

However, I do know people who believe that this is the case regarding their own sibling. That to me smacks of sibling rivalry more than anything more substantive. If one sibling appears 'more successful', then often that person is automatically labelled as a "golden child". It's an attempt to undermine their 'achievements'. It also is deflective by blaming a lack of parental love and lessor treatment for the perceived 'failures' or 'lack of success' by the other sibling. It's based on a lot of assumptions.

If, as a parent, you cannot conceivably imagine loving your own children differently, then why not afford your own parents the benefit of the doubt? That's not to say that they have to treat their children the same. They can respond to them as individuals. I will concede that they are some cultures that favour or prioritise males of course, but these are in the minority.

I genuinely love the fact that you cannot get your head around this because it means that you have never experienced it.

But it is a thing. Believe me it is a thing. And you know what? Its often the Golden Child that suffers more. The Scapegoat will escape, make a better life, learn, treat their own child equally, not continue the abuse. The GC? Not so much. Either they become so utterly self obsessed and lacking in self awareness that they alienate every one that they encounter, or they are deep deep into the FOG (fear obligation and guilt) that they dare not ever step out of their assigned role as the Perfect Daughter/Son. Ask any therapist, its a thing.

Ask my sister. She was the Golden Child and it has fucked her up good and proper. She once said to me "Sometimes I wished she hated me as much as she hated you, at least then I could do what I wanted". That is fucking heartbreaking.

I’m not suggesting the OP orders the ex around?

I’m just saying that if she actually wants her daughter to attend the wedding then she can inform the ex that her daughter won’t be available to visit that weekend and that she shouldn’t be scared of the fall out. By the sounds of it he is a controlling arsehole and needs standing up to.

The family also sound awful but their demands are a separate issue and if they think he is so reasonable then maybe they should contact him and request a weekend swap so he can be “bad guy” to them instead of OP.

"Because they think the whole world revolves around them and everyone would find it endearing?"

You just don't seem to particularly like your DB and soon to be sil do you? Are you finding it hard that they are about to get married when your marriage failed?

Could it be that your parents, as the carers of elderly relatives actually know their routines and what times of day works best for visits?

What's coming across here to me is that, according to your version of events, everyone else is very controlling, heartless and unpleasant. But would they have a different version of events? Are their different interpretations or have you done anything that contributed to your poor relationships with your brother, your sister in law and your parents. I find it hard to understand that any parents would be fine having a relationship with a man who was very violent towards their daughter. I'm just very curious as to why they didn't believe you? That's not to say that he didn't abuse you, of course, but do you know why they would accuse you of making it up?? It seems like there is a lot of background info to this.

What sex is your sibling? I hate this gender woo stuff where we pretend we don't know what sex people are. Presume it is your brother.
If your Ex-H is violent he should not have any contact with your DD. With any luck the law will change in this direction.
Anyway, why has your brother (presume) kept the wedding date a secret? A bit stupid since people have plans! Why no 'save the day' cards etc and why not check with you that DD will be in your custody the relevant week-end? YANBU, they are. Tell them so, and your dear parents - who don't seem to care if they don't see their only GDD anymore.

How very naive. Some parents absolutely do have a favourite and treat them accordingly.

"can you tell my sibling is the golden child?"
Well, actually, no I can't! Personally I loath the term. Parents don't love one child more than another!
I think that you should at least ask. You can couch it in terms of "I appreciate that it is your birthday and fully expect you to say no, but I just thought that I would ask in case you felt able to accommodate on this occasion". He will probably say no. You then have the text to prove it.

Never too soon to report them to the council/police for elder abuse.

Astounded. They are VERY lucky you haven’t cut contact with them quite honestly. How manipulative! I’d be very careful leaving your daughter unsupervised around these people because it’s giving me ‘turn your daughter against you’ vibes! I wouldn’t even be going to the wedding and quite gladly would use it as an excuse to cut them all off. Diabolical!

I was about to post all of this.

I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this with your Ex, but also the abusive behaviour of your family.

I hope you have some good friends
You can choose your friends, not your family.

OP, I'm so sorry you have to put up with your horrible ex, horrible parents and horrible sibling! I hope you have nice people around you too. I can't get my head round your family threatening to go no contact with you for something that you can't really do much about, also them liking your abusive ex. Words fail me...

Seriously, you deserve so much more than to be exposed to such horrible people. I would be telling them how messed up they all are to be honest.

I personally would text him and ask him.

Say your sister is getting married and wants DD to be bridesmaid.
Say you’ve explained it’s his bday and that you don’t usually deviate from the contact order but she wanted you to ask him anyway.

If he says no, then simply screenshot the message.

Your family seem awful.

I’d not lie, there’s a chance if you say you’ve asked him and he’s said no, then they will take it upon themselves to sort it out, and contact him.

So either say on reflection you aren’t prepared to ask him to cancel his birthday plans at such short notice (and if sibling had told you sooner, you would have had chance to get this sorted but with only 6 weeks notice it’s too late) or you contact him, explain your sibling’s wedding is on his birthday but you’ve told family dd will be with him, just so he knows if dd talks about it, and then he has the opportunity to volunteer to swap days, but at least he knows about it.

Oh that’s awful. That he’s created a narrative blaming and undermining you
I believe you
it’s appalling A violent man emerging as the wronged party
.

I would just be reiterating that this not something you have any choice over but if you really do want to try

"Hi ex,
I know it is your birthday on X date but I have just been told that it is the same date that Sis is getting married and she wants DD to be bridesmaid. I have tried to explain that you having DD on your birthday is in the CAO and non negotiable but they are insisting. So, its up to you. If you are happy to facilitate DD being bridesmaid then I will of course swap for another day, but if not then I completely understand and will communicate this to my family. Thank you"

Then whatever he comes back with (almost certainly a no, to make life harder for you) then you have that to show them.

Frankly they are vile bunch and I wouldnt be putting myself out for them. As for keeping the wedding date a secret, well I hope they are prepared for the amount of dropouts they are going to get! Keep us posted on the epic tantrum that wil follow that one!

I think the first poster is right, day you asked exh and he said no. Unless you think they have some way of contacting him and will hassle him.

If you think they will contact him I'd just decide whether I valued my relationship with all of them more than I was worried about asking exH for a different date, and then act accordingly. TBH I would probably not budge for such disgusting people, lovely older relatives I wanted to see or not. What disgraceful behaviour.

Why can’t you just say you asked and he said no?

Don't ask him and don't tell your family you've asked him. Any lie could come back and bite you in the bum.

Tell them the truth (especially since DD isn't bothered).

And if they kick off then tell them to get stuffed. It will be no loss to you if they go no co tact. Win win

Have your parents ask him if they're so sure it shouldn't be an issue; give them permission to do so.

I was going to ask do your parents not realise your Ex husband is an arsehole, but it seems they think you’re the problem.
I’d leave them to it personally, they sound very disloyal to you.

Why should the op? Peollw always speak about being flexible when they expect the man to do it, if the man expected the woman to be flexible it would be called demanding and the op would be told not to put up with being treated that way

The family is ordering the op around and your solution is to order the ex around?

If it was me I would be telling the ex that your DD was being a bridesmaid on that date and ask to swap dates for the following weekend - or even offer him extra days. If he says no then just don’t send her - what’s he going to do? There is nothing he can do as he would be laughed out of court. I had the exact same situation but with my son being a page boy for my sisters wedding. I had threats of him sending the police to my sisters wedding to collect him - total ridiculousness. I received a letter from his solicitor reminding me of the court order - all just trying to control me. He didn’t actually care about missing/ delaying his weekend - he just wanted control.

I understand that you don’t want the hassle but you should stand up to him - flexibility is expected from family courts and if he refused to swap because your child being a bridesmaid fell on “his weekend” it would not be looked upon favourably.

Having said all of that, your family don’t sound very supportive and if they think he is such a great guy why don’t you ask your parents to contact him and ask for the weekend to be swapped?

I would tell ex to say no no way would I put up with this on principle they are being ridiculous

I wouldnt go myself with all this drama