Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

Yes this.

given the history, I would not approach him. Really poor from your family to pressure you that much. Just lie. nobody will know.

Groomzilla! I love it!!! I will be using it at every opportunity!!

OP they don’t treat you very well. Fancy not believing your own daughter over him! Go low/no contact.

This

Anyone who doesn't believe 100% of what a random person writes online thinks like an abuser?

Are you inclined to always believe that posters on here are telling you the exact and whole truth, being fair to all sides of a situation?

If you are, please be careful - scammers will love you..

I am very suspicious of this... Alarm bells are ringing for me.

I think you got exactly what you came for OP, everyone saying your family is awful, and you are such a victim to other awful people.

But, another poster said it on an earlier page - everyone except you seems terrible. And in my experience that is almost never the case. 99% of the time, it isn't that one person is perfect, and everyone else is awful. Which is exactly what your post describes, and exactly why everyone on here has come to your defense, with cries of going no contact.

For me though, it is far more likely that you are hiding a huge part of the narrative and history between you, your family and your EX. I would put money on you not being a blameless innocent party, and that the whole situation is a lot more messy than you are making it out.

Your family's reactions fit more commonly with this type of situation, where all sides have done things wrong, and the relationships in general have deteriorated so much that one more thing can "snap" the bonds on either side.

But none of that really matters, you've only told us your narrative, in which you are a perfect victim, and you've got the responses that you wanted.. so job done.

They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me

Id agree to no contact personally, with family like this who needs enemies!

Don't ask.
Don't lie.
Just do what works for you in this difficult situation, go to wedding or don't whatever works for you.

have in your head a mantra - what is best for me and my dd. Then do that.

OP, I know I'm clutching at straws, but is there any other family member, or a family friend, who might perhaps be able to get across to your parents and sibling what an impossibly difficult situation they are putting you in, as you have explained here?

I'm so sorry to read that the people who are supposed to love you, and support you, have decided not to believe you and instead continue to back your abusive ex.

Best wishes to you and your daughter

Your sibling is an absolute knob for keeping the date a secret. I bet there are others who are now being brow-beaten into changing their plans.

Your family are utter idiots. Who the hell keeps a wedding date secret? Is this some sort of loyalty test, to see who will abandon long-held plans for them?

It sounds like you need to pick whose control over you will be least harmful- your abusive ex or your blackmailing g family.

I wouldn’t lie- it’ll get found out.

I also wouldn’t ask him.

I would consider using whatever contact method you use to say that, as a courtesy, you are letting him know that siblings wedding is X date. You have already advised sibling that DD will be unable to attend as she will be in father’s care as per the court order. You wouldn’t dream of asking to vary the court order, but you wanted ex to be aware in case family members contact him despite your insistence that the court order must be adhered to .

Yes. As does my sister. Its not a belief, it is a fact.

I ruined her life.

Your family sounds awful...

Based on this alone, I would let them go NC with you over this. I'm sorry that your family has treated you so poorly. You deserve better!

This continues to pander to them which needs to stop.

I wouldn’t have time for my family if they resort to blackmailing me by threatening to cut me off if I don’t do what they want or worse believing an abusive ex over their own daughter.

@SpoilingTheWedding your relationship with your parents and sister or an unhealthy one and frankly you should consider going LC with them if not cut them off. How close are you to them?

OP you ANBU. People who think you could try asking him just don't have experience of this kind of dynamic.

I was put in a very similar situation by my family who decided to plan an important event on a date my DC couldn't attend - despite me giving them a list of dates when DC would be available and them not having confirmed anything before checking with me.

They thought I was unreasonable not to ask ex but there was no way in which I could let myself be put in a situation where I owed him something. He regularly causes problems around contact even though we've been to court multiple times and there's a CAO in place.

I'm NC or LC with several family members as a result because they made a decision to exclude my DC even after I explained what a difficult situation they had put me in for no reason. They've always minimised ex's abusive behaviour and I think they just consider me to be over dramatic despite the shocking and unbelievable things he continues to do to on a regular basis to cause problems in my life even though I left him years ago.

I'm pleased to see how much support you've received OP, as even though I know IANBU they make me feel like I'm the one in the wrong.

Hard to understand, sure, but not that hard to believe - there's a situation in my family right now where it's not quite the same, but has some similarities (without getting into any specifics that could be identifying, in this case, it's an uncle and aunt rather than parents who have sided with our family member's soon to be ex who has been acting like a complete and utter cock for months. The rest of our family are not happy about it and have gone very low contact with this uncle and aunt). I have no problem believing OP's family are just dicks.

As for the things previously discussed: if you did try telling your family you'd asked Ex and he refused or didn't reply, is that likely to blow up in your face? Is there any chance they'd find out that wasn't true, for example might they speak to Ex themselves and he'd say he didn't know what they were on about?

If your family did approach Ex themselves, how is he likely to respond to that? Would he tell them to piss off (showing them what he's really like) or might he turn on the charm, oozing something like "But you only had to ask!"?

You're not spoiling your sibling's wedding. Your sibling is spoiling their own wedding.

Really, what were they thinking with the short notice date when they'd booked it ages ago? On that notice, lots of people might have other plans, or might be working that day and find it harder to get the time off at this stage. And they knew the CAO was for Ex to have your child on his birthday; assuming they remembered the date, they had the option to avoid it, or to check with you if they weren't sure exactly what date in December it was. Or they had the option to give you the date a lot sooner, when it might have been more feasible to do something about changing the dates.

I feel so sorry for you.
I would tell your parents to ask ex about swapping his weekend then if they think he's so great.
Your parents sound horrific and I would go as low contact as possible (while your relatives are still alive) , your parents sound so controlling and abusive. It's not really surprising they like your ex as they are the same as him.
Your sibling keeping the wedding date a secret is ridiculous, stupid and controlling. I would just say I can't make the wedding.

That is what you've got from this thread ?