Page 3 | Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

SpoilingTheWedding · 2025-10-29T14:53:44+00:00

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid. We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times). The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc). Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately. My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child? DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family) AIBU to not even ask ExH?

LadyQuackBeth · 30/10/2025 23:28

Unless it's a really small, family only wedding, by only sending out invites now for a wedding in 6 weeks there will soon be a lot more drama to keep them distracted from you and DD. Lots of people will reply no and they'll be chasing up RSVPs and adjusting seating plans etc for the next 6 weeks. The stupidity of keeping the date secret is going to cause lots of problems and you being the first of the issues won't seem as big a deal.

If DD did want to go, I would try to ask in a way that might work (can she come for the ceremony then go to your birthday, give him Christmas etc) but as she isn't bothered just keep your head down until the rest of the consequences roll in. Right now the whole wedding is how they imagine it except DD, in a few weeks it'll be different.

Avoid pointing out how stupid it was though, they'll shoot the messenger, just wait it out.

CombatBarbie · 30/10/2025 23:04

tanstaafl · 29/10/2025 14:59

I’m guessing you don’t want to give your sibling or parents your exH’s number and say ‘ Ask him yourself’ ?

This...... when they get the response they can decide for themselves (if he says no) whos sabotaging the wedding

No5ChalksRoad · 30/10/2025 20:19

SpoilingTheWedding · 30/10/2025 19:12

There is a great aunt on one side of my family (the sibling of one of the relatives my parents gatekeep) who is on my side, she is the only person whose ever believed me and has told both my parents and my sibling that they shouldn't expect DD to be there given the circumstances but it's falling on deaf ears.

I do thankfully have friends, neighbours and work colleagues I adore as my chosen family so I am not completely alone.

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Can this great-aunt keep your lines of communication open with the older people, while you go NC with your parents? Does she have any entree to their homes, can she take letters to them that your parents won't intercept, etc?

That they are minimizing your abuse at the hands of your ex (and that nutty "marriage is for life" nonsense) would be enough for me. It's too bad if you have to take a step back from the elders you DO like, but this is not healthy.

Tell them to F off and go NC.

(And frankly I would contact social services about potential elder abuse if you parents are running roughshod over the older folks.)

possomblossom · 30/10/2025 20:15

@SpoilingTheWedding
"ExH has charges against him for his violence towards me, I have a life long condition as a result of something he did to me.

DD has disclosed abuse to school from ExH towards both her and his own DNs since ExH and I split up, which both cafcass and court took very seriously and cut ExHs contact with DD and ex-BIL was advised to keep his DC away from ExH too."

I had to haul my jaw off the floor after reading this, OP. I send you my most heartfelt hugs. I hope the lifelong condition you have been left with is manageable, and that this series of experiences hasn't traumatised your child too much.

As regards the cheekyfecker's post: words fail to encompass the depth of my contempt for such snide vileness.

I can only say in respect of your parents and sibling: I would engage with them on only the most superficial level from here on in. Your supportive great-aunt sounds like a treasure. And I hope you manage to maintain contact with your other beloved relatives.

I have experience through a good friend of horrendously toxic parents. Whatever you do, it will be wrong for them, so you can only do what's right for you and your DC. My very best wishes and support. 💐❤️

Original poster

SpoilingTheWedding · 30/10/2025 19:12

PrincessFiorimonde · 30/10/2025 00:43

OP, I know I'm clutching at straws, but is there any other family member, or a family friend, who might perhaps be able to get across to your parents and sibling what an impossibly difficult situation they are putting you in, as you have explained here?

I'm so sorry to read that the people who are supposed to love you, and support you, have decided not to believe you and instead continue to back your abusive ex.

Best wishes to you and your daughter

There is a great aunt on one side of my family (the sibling of one of the relatives my parents gatekeep) who is on my side, she is the only person whose ever believed me and has told both my parents and my sibling that they shouldn't expect DD to be there given the circumstances but it's falling on deaf ears.

I do thankfully have friends, neighbours and work colleagues I adore as my chosen family so I am not completely alone.

OP posts:

RessicaJabbit · 30/10/2025 19:10

I'd send one brief text to ask,
..as in Sister wants to know if DD will be available as Bridesmaid on xx December, can you take her?

then tell them he said no, and if they want DD there,they need to speak to him about it.

Original poster

SpoilingTheWedding · 30/10/2025 18:58

Nayyercheekyfeckers · 29/10/2025 22:29

"Because they think the whole world revolves around them and everyone would find it endearing?"

You just don't seem to particularly like your DB and soon to be sil do you? Are you finding it hard that they are about to get married when your marriage failed?

Could it be that your parents, as the carers of elderly relatives actually know their routines and what times of day works best for visits?

What's coming across here to me is that, according to your version of events, everyone else is very controlling, heartless and unpleasant. But would they have a different version of events? Are their different interpretations or have you done anything that contributed to your poor relationships with your brother, your sister in law and your parents. I find it hard to understand that any parents would be fine having a relationship with a man who was very violent towards their daughter. I'm just very curious as to why they didn't believe you? That's not to say that he didn't abuse you, of course, but do you know why they would accuse you of making it up?? It seems like there is a lot of background info to this.

ExH has charges against him for his violence towards me, I have a life long condition as a result of something he did to me.

DD has disclosed abuse to school from ExH towards both her and his own DNs since ExH and I split up, which both cafcass and court took very seriously and cut ExHs contact with DD and ex-BIL was advised to keep his DC away from ExH too.

My parents think marriage is for life, and death of one partner is the only reason to leave. They think I've over exaggerated my condition and the police where heavy handed to charge ExH.

OP posts:

Kimura · 30/10/2025 15:34

They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me

If (and its a big if) this is a completely factual account of things, your family are obviously fucking mental, awful people, and I've no idea why you'd want to go to their wedding.

I expect there's a lot more to it though...in which case again, I have no idea why you'd want to go to their wedding 🤷🏻‍♂️

luckylavender · 30/10/2025 15:18

Don’t say you asked & he said no. They could check and it would get even more complicated for you.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 30/10/2025 14:57

I wouldn't get involved, they can ask him if they want, sounds like they have a relationship with him.
They need to ask in writing by email or text for evidence.
Not your problem.

PullTheBricksDown · 30/10/2025 14:52

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 30/10/2025 11:49

I very much suspect that the turnout for this wedding is going to be MUCH smaller than the attention-seeking couple would have liked. That close to Christmas, nobody is going to be able to change plans.

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And anyone working in retail won't be able to book a short notice day off in December, for one thing. Daft couple.

ClawedButler · 30/10/2025 14:52

I really wish people would rtft before telling the OP to 'just lie'.

I'd cut off contact with the lot of them. Not respond to a single message. Leave them on read. Their appalling behaviour doesn't deserve even a one-word reply.

Oh, and we DO know that OP's family are terrible people because they do dick things like keeping a wedding secret and having it in December and making it other people's problem, and minimising or denying OP's sustained domestic abuse. Nice people don't do that.

ClawedButler · 30/10/2025 14:46

Italiangreyhound · 30/10/2025 00:53

Don't ask.
Don't lie.
Just do what works for you in this difficult situation, go to wedding or don't whatever works for you.

have in your head a mantra - what is best for me and my dd. Then do that.

Absolutely 100% this.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 30/10/2025 11:49

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/10/2025 00:29

Your sibling is an absolute knob for keeping the date a secret. I bet there are others who are now being brow-beaten into changing their plans.

Edited

I very much suspect that the turnout for this wedding is going to be MUCH smaller than the attention-seeking couple would have liked. That close to Christmas, nobody is going to be able to change plans.

ComfortFoodCafe · 30/10/2025 09:09

I would lie & pretend you asked and he said no.
sounds like theyve fucked up not telling people the date & a lot of people have declined so now they’re desperate to have who they can there.

Calendulaaria · 30/10/2025 08:43

Just tell them you asked him and he said no. Typical of people who have no understanding of dealing with an abusive ex. I've been dealing with one for many years, self preservation is the way to go. You've got enough on your plate.

PullTheBricksDown · 30/10/2025 08:35

LeadBubbles · 30/10/2025 08:24

This is the dumbest wedding idea I've ever heard! So so stupid! Leaving 6 weeks for people to block the date in December 🙄🙄🙄 How do they expect everyone to turn up? It's hard enough to book a date for weddings without adding this.

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Agreed. It'll be 'sweet and romantic' all right when they only have half the people they wanted there because of the late notice.

Sharptonguedwoman · 30/10/2025 08:34

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

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Why are you talking to them?!!!

Undercovered · 30/10/2025 08:32

NJLX2021 · 30/10/2025 02:17

I am very suspicious of this... Alarm bells are ringing for me.

I think you got exactly what you came for OP, everyone saying your family is awful, and you are such a victim to other awful people.

But, another poster said it on an earlier page - everyone except you seems terrible. And in my experience that is almost never the case. 99% of the time, it isn't that one person is perfect, and everyone else is awful. Which is exactly what your post describes, and exactly why everyone on here has come to your defense, with cries of going no contact.

For me though, it is far more likely that you are hiding a huge part of the narrative and history between you, your family and your EX. I would put money on you not being a blameless innocent party, and that the whole situation is a lot more messy than you are making it out.

Your family's reactions fit more commonly with this type of situation, where all sides have done things wrong, and the relationships in general have deteriorated so much that one more thing can "snap" the bonds on either side.

But none of that really matters, you've only told us your narrative, in which you are a perfect victim, and you've got the responses that you wanted.. so job done.

You're ringing alarms bells as the kind of person who judges victims, minimises and dismisses their experiences.

I can't speak for OP but I can tell you that the members of my family who have acted like OP's are real and I'm not the only person who has gone NC with them as a result of their behaviour. I am not my ex's only victim. Bad people exist.

LeadBubbles · 30/10/2025 08:24

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 19:33

Apparently no-one knew when it was, not even my parents, my parents think it's sweet and kind of romantic they kept it secret.

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This is the dumbest wedding idea I've ever heard! So so stupid! Leaving 6 weeks for people to block the date in December 🙄🙄🙄 How do they expect everyone to turn up? It's hard enough to book a date for weddings without adding this.

Katiesaidthat · 30/10/2025 08:11

Tatiepot · 29/10/2025 16:00

Totally with you on this @SpoilingTheWedding - I don't even have a court order with my abusive XH and I wouldn't do what they're asking you to do, not on an ordinary day and definitely not on his birthday...

As you say it just sets you up for problems later, my XH would think that I owe him something, or he'd f about with my days just to get even or start telling the DC that I arranged for the wedding on that date just to spite him. You just don't need it when you spend all year trying to keep things level/bearable and somehow stay sane.

If DD isn't bothered then it really isn't worth the hassle - part of the problem is that people who haven't been in an abusive relationship have NO IDEA how difficult it makes everything. If you're worried about being "made" to ask him, then maybe ask the court and when they say no, that's not what's been agreed, you have something to tell your family.

I don´t see why she has to be involved at all. That´s on his mandated day. OP has zero control over her kids on those days, so they need to contact the xhusband directly or feck off.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/10/2025 07:48

NJLX2021 · 30/10/2025 02:17

I am very suspicious of this... Alarm bells are ringing for me.

I think you got exactly what you came for OP, everyone saying your family is awful, and you are such a victim to other awful people.

But, another poster said it on an earlier page - everyone except you seems terrible. And in my experience that is almost never the case. 99% of the time, it isn't that one person is perfect, and everyone else is awful. Which is exactly what your post describes, and exactly why everyone on here has come to your defense, with cries of going no contact.

For me though, it is far more likely that you are hiding a huge part of the narrative and history between you, your family and your EX. I would put money on you not being a blameless innocent party, and that the whole situation is a lot more messy than you are making it out.

Your family's reactions fit more commonly with this type of situation, where all sides have done things wrong, and the relationships in general have deteriorated so much that one more thing can "snap" the bonds on either side.

But none of that really matters, you've only told us your narrative, in which you are a perfect victim, and you've got the responses that you wanted.. so job done.

You are basically accusing OP of being a troll and making everything up. If that is what you believe, report the post. If you really think that everything OP has said is a lie and that her parents and ex-husband are lovely, the only reason an OP would bother to make a post on Mumsnet about either an imaginary scenario or an actual scenario but where all the facts she has provided are untrue, you should report the OP under the category 'not a genuine poster'.

There is nothing in OP's posts that make me disbelieve her and there have been many other posts on Mumsnet where an OP's parents have taken the side of their daughter's abusive ex-husband. In fact, women are more likely to marry an abuser if they have a dysfunctional childhood with parents that massively favour one child over the other.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/10/2025 07:31

Nayyercheekyfeckers · 29/10/2025 22:29

"Because they think the whole world revolves around them and everyone would find it endearing?"

You just don't seem to particularly like your DB and soon to be sil do you? Are you finding it hard that they are about to get married when your marriage failed?

Could it be that your parents, as the carers of elderly relatives actually know their routines and what times of day works best for visits?

What's coming across here to me is that, according to your version of events, everyone else is very controlling, heartless and unpleasant. But would they have a different version of events? Are their different interpretations or have you done anything that contributed to your poor relationships with your brother, your sister in law and your parents. I find it hard to understand that any parents would be fine having a relationship with a man who was very violent towards their daughter. I'm just very curious as to why they didn't believe you? That's not to say that he didn't abuse you, of course, but do you know why they would accuse you of making it up?? It seems like there is a lot of background info to this.

You definitely are basically saying that OP is lying and that her ex-husband wasn't abusive. You have already denied the well known dynamic of 'golden child' and 'scapegoat' in dysfunctional families and you are now saying that it is very unlikely that OP's ex-husband is abusive and that her parents are correct in denying their abuse.

Your post is disgusting.

NarnianQueen · 30/10/2025 07:28

Tell them to contact him and ask him then. If he says yes tell him thanks and just so he knows, you would never have asked it of him. If he says no tell him your parents are batshit and you warned them not to bother him.

This!

thepariscrimefiles · 30/10/2025 07:25

Nayyercheekyfeckers · 29/10/2025 22:14

"can you tell my sibling is the golden child?"
Well, actually, no I can't! Personally I loath the term. Parents don't love one child more than another!
I think that you should at least ask. You can couch it in terms of "I appreciate that it is your birthday and fully expect you to say no, but I just thought that I would ask in case you felt able to accommodate on this occasion". He will probably say no. You then have the text to prove it.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course parents often have a favourite child and abusive parents, the sort that take the abuser's side when their daughter divorces her husband due to domestic violence, take this dynamic to extremes.

Therapists use the terms "golden child" and "scapegoat" to describe roles in dysfunctional families.