Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

That's shocking, I'm so sorry you have such a shit unsupportive family.

Not sure if you've reduced contact with your family, but maybe consider it.

Your family are awful people.

You said you were making contact for a couple of elderly relatives, but at this point I'd be considering going no contact because these people cannot be good for your mental health or self esteem. They are toxic and if the price for peace is a couple of older relatives then it may be a sacrifice to be done.

I’m so sorry @SpoilingTheWedding for the hurt they’re causing you, that is unforgivable behaviour from all of them.

Sorry, typed before I read all posts!

So get them to contact him and sort it out. Perfect way to solve this problem. Phrase it as, "he's more likely to say yes to you". If he's always played up to them, he'll probably agree to your dd going to the wedding.

And who cares about social media?
Take no notice.

I would be going v v low / no contact with your family and not taking your Dd there.

What are your Christmas plans?

Have you declined your invitation to your S's wedding? Decline, say you will no longer be able to attend as her choices have made it impossible but wish her a happy day.

Then don't engage. She has what she wants - your dd as bridesmaid.

Tell your parents calmly that you will no longer be able to attend and that is the end of the conversation.

Wow - I'm sorry it's a pity you can't go NC but definety do LC - do not get drawn in and try broken record technique when contact is needed to see older relatives they gate keep.

I'd also not faciliate a relationship between them and DD going forward - keep information to min - as I don't think these are great people for her to be around due their reaction to ex extreme behavior.

I am so sorry but at least now you have proof, if it were needed, that cutting them off is the only reasonable thing to do.

You dont need this shit in your life and neither do your DD's.

ETA have you told them that you are not going?

Bloody hell OP, the behaviour of some families.

I am so sorry.

Leave them to it.

Wow. I'm so sorry OP. What a bunch of utter arseholes ❤️

WHAT?!

How on earth are they justifying that?!

I'd be going no contact with anyone, including your parents, who thought that you should stay with a violent, abusive man 'because beliefs'. Fuck them.

OP "I do thankfully have friends, neighbours and work colleagues I adore as my chosen family so I am not completely alone."

I am so glad you ahve nice people around you.

I am so sorry your family are behaving so terribly.

... have you asked him yet? Or given his number yo your sister do she can ask?

@SpoilingTheWedding I think I'd have cut family off except for the great aunt but understand you won't because of the gatekept relatives you want to be in touch with. The whole dynamic is awful and I'm really glad you have a chosen family/support network.

I'm assuming neither does anyone else responding. Moot point.

The OP knows him, you don't

No, I just have a different opinion to you.

Sister has put her wedding on the ex’s birthday. Ex is difficult about changing childcare dates around so OP sticks to CMO.

OP has found that previous requests for swaps have led to obstructive behaviour from ex.

I’ve raised 2 children from early childhood to adulthood in a similar situation. I would still at least ASK my ex if the kids could attend my sister’s wedding. He can say no. If he says yes and there’s a bit of difficulty to deal with later as a result, I’d say my sister’s wedding was worth dealing with that for.

It’s ok for people to have a different opinion from yours, you know. Sneering responses to different opinions are unnecessary.

Your family sound very, very selfish and short sighted to want you to ask exH to deviate from the court order.

I would send your sibling and parents a message saying: I am sorry that DD will not be able to attend the wedding. I cannot risk any disruption to the situation with DD and exH so will not be contacting him about this. You all know how serious things have been and I cannot risk any further problems. I hope you understand.

They sound immature and ridiculous keeping the date secret. If your DD’s attendance was so important, they should have checked.

The essential issues have gone right over your head haven’t they ?

THIS is your family, OP.

Choose the people who love, support and are actually there for you.

You've had a lifetime of being treated like shit by 'blood' - show your DD that she doesn't have to put up with it.

It'll be the best thing you ever did for her.

Unless it's a really small, family only wedding, by only sending out invites now for a wedding in 6 weeks there will soon be a lot more drama to keep them distracted from you and DD. Lots of people will reply no and they'll be chasing up RSVPs and adjusting seating plans etc for the next 6 weeks. The stupidity of keeping the date secret is going to cause lots of problems and you being the first of the issues won't seem as big a deal.

Very much a side issue to the whole situation you are in, OP, but I totally agree with this.
When planning ANY event, the first thing you do is check the availability of anyone who is crucial to the event. Birthday do - then the person with the birthday, and presumably their spouse. Christening - then the Godparents and the Vicar, and, in normal families, the Grandparents. Wedding - the wedding party (ie Best Man and Bridesmaids) and at the very least, B&G's parents, but again, in most families, siblings too. This is before you book ANYTHING, but once you've sorted the date, then you tell people you really want to be there, the date as soon as you know it, so they can keep it free if they want to, or, if booking something else, they do so knowing they are missing the wedding. This is even for a random day in June or July. The arrogance of people getting married in December, to presume that everyone they invite will just drop everything to be there, is astounding. Even before taking into account they know that the courts have mandated your dd has to have I hope supervised contact with your ex on certain dates.

The B&G are bonkers.