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Original poster

Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

336 replies

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 14:53

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

OP posts:
Lurker85 · 29/10/2025 15:14

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Show quote history

They should be thankful you will even be in the same room as them. That’s disgusting.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 29/10/2025 15:13

Yanbu - why didnt they check the date first like ANY NORMAL COUPLE.

Give your sibling his number and tell them to ask if they are so desperate.
Let them deal with all this nonsense not you.

Edit:
Saw this update.

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

I would very seriously consider going NC. Your family sound awful.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 29/10/2025 15:13

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Show quote history

I would take them up on their offer to cut contact with you, you don't need this kind of shit.

MissyB1 · 29/10/2025 15:13

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:06

Yes this December, Sibling and SIL kept the date a secret from everyone including all the Guests but have apparently known the date for about a year.

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Were they hoping no one will turn up? Because there’s a good chance that will happen, who the heck can commit to a wedding in 6 weeks time, in December which is usually a crazy month anyway! Definitely batshit!

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 29/10/2025 15:12

I think they self-sabotaged their own wedding by keeping the date a secret! In December?!?! How presumptuous to think that other people don’t have end of year Christmas parties family gatherings going on. I’m assuming they expect everyone to just cancel their plans for the wedding of the decade…… Happily skip away from their wedding if they don’t understand your DD can’t be there as it’s COURT ORDERED.

Your family are dicks

Ponderingwindow · 29/10/2025 15:11

They can’t clear the date with every guest, but not checking with the core, critical guests is at best bad planning. Really, it just signals that they don’t consider those people’s attendance to be that important.

wizzler · 29/10/2025 15:11

Your family sound awful OP. Can’t understand why they think your Ex is a great guy. I think the wedding is the least of your worries

TheatricalLife · 29/10/2025 15:11

I'd just say I'd asked and he said no, like you'd told them he would. I'd also say I wasn't going either to avoid "ruining" the wedding. Fuck hanging around with people like that.

Zempy · 29/10/2025 15:11

Just tell deranged sibling that you asked and XH didn’t even reply.

GarlicHound · 29/10/2025 15:10

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Show quote history

I totally guessed this from your first post. It's mainly true we marry our parents until we learn better. Sorry, OP Flowers

Yeah, as others have said, you could either lie to your parents or let them suck up to XH. They can have a long chat about how awful you are ... and invite him to the wedding. So don't do that!

Original poster
SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:10

Libellousness · 29/10/2025 15:08

Your family don’t sound like very nice people, nor do they seem to add much to your life. Your dd doesn’t care about the wedding. Why do you even want to maintain contact with them?

Because I have elderly relatives that I actually like and want to keep contact with who are gatekept by my parents and siblings, once they're no longer around I'll be NC with the lot of them

OP posts:
Libellousness · 29/10/2025 15:08

Your family don’t sound like very nice people, nor do they seem to add much to your life. Your dd doesn’t care about the wedding. Why do you even want to maintain contact with them?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 29/10/2025 15:07

Well, 'keeping it a secret' (what the hell FOR? Don't they think anyone else has lives to plan round?) has come back to bite them on the bum, hasn't it? Their control issues mean that they can't have the bridesmaid they want. Serve them bloody well right, if you ask me.

BendingSpoons · 29/10/2025 15:06

They are idiots for keeping a wedding date in 6 WEEKS TIME a secret. So either no-one could make plans or they would have to rearrange them. I am sorry that your sibling and parents are being so unreasonable to threaten cutting contact over this. They clearly have no idea what you have been through. I have no helpful advice, but YANBU to say she can't come.

childofthe607080s · 29/10/2025 15:06

They don’t believe you? And you still talk to them ? Save yourself the cost of an outfit and present and dump them

SergeantWrinkles · 29/10/2025 15:06

Your family sound awful op. Sorry I’d be passing the buck to them.

Original poster
SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:06

SparklyGlitterballs · 29/10/2025 15:03

Given what you've said about your parents, I'd save them the bother and go no contact myself. What awful people. Remind them that him having DD for his birthday is COURT ORDERED.

Is the wedding this December coming? Even if you were prepared to ask your ex (I wouldn't in the circumstances) then it's relatively short notice as he may already have something planned.

Yes this December, Sibling and SIL kept the date a secret from everyone including all the Guests but have apparently known the date for about a year.

OP posts:
Bobiverse · 29/10/2025 15:05

Why are you still in contact with them? Your family sound awful.

SparklyGlitterballs · 29/10/2025 15:03

Given what you've said about your parents, I'd save them the bother and go no contact myself. What awful people. Remind them that him having DD for his birthday is COURT ORDERED.

Is the wedding this December coming? Even if you were prepared to ask your ex (I wouldn't in the circumstances) then it's relatively short notice as he may already have something planned.

Darragon · 29/10/2025 15:02

Bloody hell, with family like that who needs enemies! What a Groomzilla!

Happyapplesanspears · 29/10/2025 15:02

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Show quote history

In that case they can invite him and tell him your DD is bridesmaid.

HangryBlueCritic · 29/10/2025 15:02

I would be reconsidering whether I wanted contacted with my siblings and parents moving forward they seem pretty horrible people.

Pallisers · 29/10/2025 15:02

Tell them to contact him and ask him then. If he says yes tell him thanks and just so he knows, you would never have asked it of him. If he says no tell him your parents are batshit and you warned them not to bother him.

And I'd be very, very low contact with my parents if they took my violent ex's side over me.

Original poster
SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:02

I will add the wedding is this December, as in about 6 weeks away so even if I wanted to change contact because of the notice period in the CAO it's cutting it fine to do so.

OP posts:
dontlikethings · 29/10/2025 15:01

Your family don't seem to have understood what you have gone through with your abusive ex. I think I agree with others: Just make out you asked him and he said no.