Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

And if they do ask him, make sure you let him know you had nothing to do with it as you know how important his birthday is to him (the big fucking baby)

Your DD is too old for you to lie about asking permission as she might mention it to her dad. Could your DD ask him? If he says no then you have your answer. He can also deal with her disappointment.

Please don't lie and say you asked him and he said no, because you're inviting the opening of a can of worms with him, when you should NEVER have any informal contact outside of your arrangements, especially for the sake of people who are selfish as fuck, the arrangements are there to protect yourself and your daughter - don't jeoporise it for these people.

If they go behind your back and ask him themselves, that is a nuclear type move that'll blown up in everyone's faces most likely - but at least they'll nail their horrible colours to the mast and it sounds like you'll be far better off without these people in your lives.

Everyone (apart from you OP) sounds atrocious. Don’t lie and say you asked, it sounds like they’d be happy to contact him and ask themselves anyway. Just rinse and repeat it’s not possible and keep your head down, esp as your DD isn’t bothered (wonder why?).

They’ll tantrum no doubt, but you know exactly how they will react so make your peace with it, grey rock and detach as they inevitably do. Like who the fuck threatens to not see their only granddaughter because she has COURT ORDERED contact with your abusive ex for the eejits who thought it would be oh so charming incredibly arrogant to spring a wedding on everyone in 6 weeks during the busiest, highly planned, time of year for most people.

Do let us know how that all works out OP 🤣

Let your parents ask. He'll either say yes to let them keep thinking he's the blameless party or he'll say no and it might change their opinion of him

Let them ask him.

Keeping the date a secret? How batshit is that? Surely there will be a load of other people unable to make the wedding too?

And I agree with PP- tell the horrible parents to contact the horrible Ex and ask themselves.

Firstly what does your DD really want?
Second if you want to keep the peace, talk to your mum remind her what this man has put you through... and then lie! Just say you've asked, but as it's his birthday he has made plans that includes DD and there is nothing you can do as this is per court order.

In that case I’d go very low contact and not care if they “deliberately thought I was sabotaging the wedding”. They are not safe to be around you or your child.

This!!

You need to go NC with your awful family.

OP you were controlled by your ex and your family are just as bad

I feel like for the sake of you AND DD you need to remove yourselves

Are your family aware that this was a court arrangement?

TBF, while I know it's their day had they of really wanted your DD as a bridesmaid they had 364 other dates to choose from yet chose the one day that would cause you the most grief.

Why did your sibling keep the date secret?!
I can't think of a single decent reason.
Tell them it's too late to change the court ordered arrangements, that it's not about having her as bridesmaid or not.

Well it sounds like you are allowing everyone around you to manipulate and control you. No wonder you didn’t see the red flags of your ex when your family also sound abusive and coercive.

You’ve ruled out every possible alternative anyone has suggested so I’m going to go with leaving the country and changing your name as a solution.

Yeah, I would just do this.

I'm not suggesting this is the right thing to do - but for your consideration only: would your parents contact him and ask? This saves you trying to do the negotiation and they get the answer. I get the situation is complex though and you may not want this, but perhaps worth considering?

I don’t think I’d even want to go to this wedding. Your family sound horrible op.

How bizarre. I imagine with such short notice there will be other guests who cannot attend. Why did they keep the date a secret. Have people keeping months and months entirely free of commitments?

Since your DD is not bothered I would go with the "I asked him, he said no" response.

Unsurprising that you were susceptible to a controlling/violent relationship with your ex-husband if this is how your family taught you what you were worth. Good for you breaking the cycle with your DD.

I'd just say if they think he's so wonderful they are welcome to contact him and ask him directly.

Maybe send him a message 'Just to let you know, my sister wants DD to be a bridesmaid at her wedding on xxx. She only told me the date this week. I have told her that's your contact day and your birthday, and that birthdays are important to your family, so you won't want to change your visitation date, however they might ring you to nag you so just giving you a heads-up.'

Then he can't complain you've asked him to change his date because you haven't, but you can honestly tell them he hasn't replied/has refused.

Your family sound very hostile to you already OP. To leap to the idea that you would be deliberately sabotaging the wedding is bizarre unless there is some huge realistic reason for them thinking like that about you.
Your family should be "on your side". Its painful when they are not, but worth considering what relationship you want with them.💐

Your 'family' are expecting you to ask favours from a violent ex??..this is appalling ...they are disgusting. So so sorry you have this complete lack of support. They REALLY don't get the harm do they? Grim.

Nope. What a crazy and horrible way to cut relations with your daughter/sister/niece.

Sorry OP, your family are very selfish, short sighted and are massively lacking in empathy. If that was me, I'd let them cut me off then.

I’m sorry your family have put you in this situation. Presumably they know what your ex is like. If I were you I’d put maintaining a civil relationship with the ex over the wedding. If your DD was desperate to attend then I’d ask for her sake but if she’s not fussed then why make life harder. It’s sad that your parents have suggested cutting ties with you over this but if they do it’s their loss. Do you really want two people in your life that are prepared to use emotional blackmail to get their own way?