Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

Totally with you on this @SpoilingTheWedding - I don't even have a court order with my abusive XH and I wouldn't do what they're asking you to do, not on an ordinary day and definitely not on his birthday...

As you say it just sets you up for problems later, my XH would think that I owe him something, or he'd f about with my days just to get even or start telling the DC that I arranged for the wedding on that date just to spite him. You just don't need it when you spend all year trying to keep things level/bearable and somehow stay sane.

If DD isn't bothered then it really isn't worth the hassle - part of the problem is that people who haven't been in an abusive relationship have NO IDEA how difficult it makes everything. If you're worried about being "made" to ask him, then maybe ask the court and when they say no, that's not what's been agreed, you have something to tell your family.

I would maybe stop having much contact with them in general based on this.

Then why are you worrying about the threat of them going no contact with you ? They sound toxic.

Great, every reason to be distanced from them anyway. This way, it’s their choice to distance themselves from you and your daughter, not you being the mean person stealing their grandchild away.

I don't think it sounds worth the damage to stay in touch via them with a handful of elderly relatives. Surely you can just go see the nice relatives another time?

There's no chance I'd be contacting him about this. Even in the best situation it's way too late to be messing around with court ordered custody and this is not anywhere near the best situation.

“Hi mum, dad, sibling

You seem confused. I don’t control where child is when ex has custody. You’d need to be inviting him. Do let me know how you get on.

best”

^^^This is what I would do @SpoilingTheWedding . Remind your family members that the date is Court Ordered so cannot easily be changed, and just tell them that if they want to ask him themselves, that is absolutely fine by you. I might also say what a pp said about giving him a heads up so that he has no beef with you

Come on now, you’re an adult. If you want to visit great aunt Maude do you really think you’d have to go through your parents?
From what you’ve said, I’m amazed that YOU want to go to the wedding!!!

"Dear Family,

It's very disappointing that you are accusing me of deliberately sabotaging the wedding and threatening to go no contact with me over DD not being able to attend the wedding.

As you well know, contact has been court mandated, with exH having taken me to court three times. You were fully aware that exH gets to spend his birthday with his DD, and I have to say, I'm rather perplexed, that given you wanted DD to be a bridesmaid, that you'd choose exH's birthday to have your wedding on.

Furthermore, you also choose to keep the date a secret until the last minute, leaving it too short notice to get an exception made via the courts.

Now, I have chosen not to ask exH as you are demanding, because I am not prepared to risk breaching a court order, and I am also respecting exH's court granted right to spend his special day with his DD.

Respectfully, please stop demanding that I contact exH over this matter.

Regards

NotSpoilingtheWedding"

I'd email that to them, and then if they wish to contact your exH themselves, leave them to it. Don't get involved in it. If you feel you'd like to contact your exH about it, as in "just to make you aware, sibling wants DD to be her bridesmaid, but they've decided to have their wedding on your birthday, they may ask you if she can attend". But if you'd rather not, then don't! Good luck

ETA: Unless that date is particularly special or meaningful to them, it was a real cunty thing to do to choose it. Bunch of cunts, you'll be well shut of them whenever you do eventually cut them out.

Whoa

I was expecting from the title that you might be unreasonable but you are so not!

The only unreasonable thing that you are doing is trying to maintain a relationship with them tbh.

Are they the types of people to ask him themselves? Then gang up on you to act like you should've asked him?

Best of luck, op xx

Your family sound as bad as your exH.

Nothing is worth contact with people like that.
I always think when I read about ugly nasty families like yours, it explains somewhat how some women end up with pricks.

Take control and back away.

Crikey op, that's pretty appalling of your parents. Don't ask him. Don't go to the wedding and tell your crazy family to get lost. I centrally believe you bother having anything to do with your parents in this situation.

Just tell your parents to ask him. They can even say they are asking because they know how difficult you are, and you said no straight away, but they know he is the reasonable one and actually likely to take a mature approach.

If he's anything like OP says, he may well say yes to them. They will then refer to her drama, her hysteria, her catastrophising everything and no wonder she couldn't keep her marriage together.

And of he does agree, he'll still get her back. He'll be happy-jolly to them and seek his revenge quietly via dd and op.

What a stupid thing for them to do

I wouldn't have a relationship with parents who have taken the side of your abusive ex-husband. I wouldn't bother asking your ex-H as you know he will refuse and will make a big fuss about you asking. Your parents sound toxic so let them go no contact with you.

I'm so sorry that you are surrounded by arseholes.

Tell them to contact him and ask him then. If he says yes tell him thanks and just so he knows, you would never have asked it of him.
This seems ideal.He isn't doing you any favours. He can even transport your DD both ways as you are clear it is not 'your' event.

Agreed. I wouldn't say that you asked and he said no. If he finds out he'll be even more unpleasant.

You really need to go NC with these people. They are horrible.

Don't lie about asking him. Come up with one answer and repeat it verbatim to every nagging, tonedeaf, victim-blaming question. "No, I can't ask him as it's his day with her as written in the court order." Repeat repeat repeat.

I would add to them, that if they contact him themselves, you won't come either. Because who knows what sort of mess that will create.

Tell your family it would be better coming from them. Let them ask your ex and see what he says. If he’s as reasonable as they think, then he might agree with them.

Every update you post increases my opinion that you should tell them all to get to fuck.

I’m so sorry you’re stuck with this as your family op.
In fact I think I might have a work event that day too.
Tell them you asked, ex said no, end of.
Then go and spend the money you’ve saved on this nonsense on something for yourself. You deserve nice things too x

They sound like dicks and I hope half their wedding guests let them down and say exactly the same thing - Sorry, with it being so close to christmas, we've got a lot on, and as we didn't know when the wedding would be, we booked / commited to this other thing"

In what way are they gate kept from you?

Oh heavens, that must be so hurtful. I’m not sure I’d still be speaking to my parents in that situation TBH.