Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

Not sure why you see your parents then tbh. But say to DP. I would her to attend but its his bday and i cant do anything about it as its on the court documents but if you want to ask that would be great. Id love her to be there too.

Let them hear him say no first hand

Why would anyone do this and expect people to be available at such short notice?

OP - you get one life. Don’t live it for everyone else, live it for you and your children.

Id go non-contact, denying your abuse is awful, what shit parents they are.

Try reading the updates. It’s not him saying no OP is worried about, it’s the drama he would cause around it. So yes, there actually is harm in asking.

He sounds like the kind of guy who will use this "bending of the rules" against OP in the future though

YANBU at all. I had a CAO with my ex and we never deviated from the contact times. He was also abusive and to make my life easier and safer (and my kids more importantly) it was best to just stick to the court ordered contact, because the second I asked to change anything the floodgates would have opened and ex would have weaponised the arrangement. It’s what those types do.

Your family all sound like dickheads btw. The soon to be married couple have been a bit shortsighted hiding the date they’re getting married surely? It’s in 6 weeks (December!) and plenty of potential guests have possibly already arranged all their free time that month in the run up to Christmas and new year.

I think OP has explained that there literally is harm in asking....

OP the shared contact arrangement seems like something they should all be aware of, given the circumstances. Why did they not check with you first to ensure the date was on your contact time ? And why so little notice, given that they want DD as a bridesmaid ? Something about this feels deliberate - and if not, then at the very least unthinking/uncaring. If DD isn’t bothered l would be telling them it’s just not possible because of the court order and you’re not prepared to risk the problems it would cause. If they don’t like it, then tough. They should have been more considerate of your circumstances. Giving people six weeks notice of a wedding is batshit ? Sounds performative and l wouldn’t entertain it.

You don't have to expose yourself to your exH's terrible behaviour to appease your family, and only an enabler would suggest you do.

There's literally no harm in at least asking. He may no, but at least you can say you asked.

YABU.

I think that this is a really sensible idea. You aren’t going to risk upsetting him so he doesn’t return your DD and you can’t be accused of lying if they bump into him at any point.

Yes I think you are being unreasonable to refuse even to ask. I have been in a similar divorce situation and although there were many rows about whether the kids were “allowed” to attend their friends’ birthday parties on “dad’s” time (usually they were not), for a major family event something could usually be accommodated.

If you ask him and he says no, then he’s the dick, not you. If you don’t ask him and either tell your family you didn’t bother, or lie and say you did and he said no and that lie is then exposed, you look like the dick.

You need to tackle how they “gatekeeper” you seeing the family who you do love and get rid of those who don’t love you

I’m so sorry your parents are so rotten OP! Do they not realise their ultimatum is another form of abuse? Are they happy for your ex to continue being abusive to you over this situation? Maybe you should be the one considering contact with them.

This

They have done the opposite of protocol, which is to ask people to save the date.

My guess would be that they’re realising quite a few people can’t make it at this short notice, and they’re taking it out on you since you’re apparently the family kicking post.

Don't DO NOT speak to him about it.
Don't lie and say you asked him.
Don't encourage them to ask him themselves.
Just say you're bound by a court order and it's too little time to take an amendment request to court. "that is my position, I'm sorry you feel that way". End of conversation. No lies. No blame with you.

Ps from what you've said I'd hazard a guess they only want a bridesmaid for aesthetics, hence the supremely overly dramatic and very fucking selfish response. Fuck em.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be bothering with your family if I was you.

Wow. I think I would be telling your parents that neither of you will go and let them go NC. They sound horrible.

I think I would inform exH that your sibling has just announced they are getting married on his birthday. You’ve explained this means dd will be with him and not able to attend the wedding. You just want him to know in case any of them contact him about it, but you spoke to dd and she’d rather be with you than at the wedding so you’ve said she’s not going.

that way if your sibling contacts your ex they can’t say “well you lied that you asked him, he knows nothing about it.”

Let them cut you off.

I completely understand you not wanting to ask your ex. You'll merely give him the power to say no.

How would your DD feel about missing the wedding? If she really wants to be a bridesmaid then perhaps her Dad might allow her to come.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but you are not in the wrong here.

Wow, what utter scum bags your parents are to believe your violent ex over their own daughter. I'm so sorry you are having to put up with this shit show.

I think I would go NC with the lot of them. I appreciate you want to see other relatives but is there any way you can have a relationship with other relatives without going through your parents?

Absolutely this.

Also. No point going into detail about how your ex will behave if you even ask him. They don't give a monkey's, they want what they want and they will dismiss all of that in order to pressurise you to get you to comply (even though you know it will just cause more problems)

I think one of the earliest pps suggestions was to say that you've asked him and he said no. I think that's your best option.
I once had to do this to combat a growing wave of utterly stupid unworkable requests at a funeral I was organising, a friend saw what was happening and told me to tell them, sorry I checked but its just not available by that date.

I generally think honesty is the best policy, but sometimes people just don't want to hear it, as in your case. What they actually need is a firm answer, then they can move on to the next arrangement, one that works, rather than relying on someone very unreliable to deliver your DD in time , when you know he probably won't and that would be worse for everyone.

BTW. Your parents are flying monkeys.. and I think if they want to stop talking to you about it... Let them. Life would be easier without having to listen to all that crap.

Noooo no no no. OP please don't encourage them to do this. They are jeopordising a court order with a volatile man. They have no right, nor should they in any circumstance other than your ill health maybe, be involved in any of that.

You’re just following the court order and protecting your child that’s not spoiling anyone. It’s reasonable to put DD’s well-being and routine first, especially given past issues with your ex.

Unrealistic as it seems, I think this is probably the case. From what OP has said there seems to be a significant element of control from the parents and it probably extends beyond immediate family.