I can’t stand my mother

Next time say it doesn't suit you.
You need to see a lot less of her.
She brings no joy and makes your life harder.

You need to mind yourself as young children are exhausting.
Go to bed with your children and avoid her for the rest of the trip.

Give her 2 paracetamol before bed, might knock her out.

People don’t invite themselves to stay, you’ve let her stay. Boundaries are your friend

I’m in my sixties OP and have to be very careful about discussing ailments with my adult children. I save that for my contemporaries-we all laugh that illnesses and health were never that interesting when we were young! Does your mum have friends she can offload to? It’s intensely frustrating when someone moans about how awful things are but will do nothing to improve it. I normally avoid those people but difficult with your mum. Is there any possibility you can tell her how draining it is to listen to all day? Or-like many of those people-will she take great pleasure in getting offended and what a terrible daughter you are. You are not-just fed up and you have your hands full with your young family. I think I would have to say to her that it’s clear she’s not enjoying herself and nothing you suggest works so why not cut the visit short?

I have tried HRT but it made no difference. You could try asking her? No harm in that i guess. I think some are perfectly healthy in their sixties, others are not. One of my siblings is definitely losing cognition, she's really not very sharp about the news and current affairs and her critical thinking is gone. The other one moans all the time. Nothing is ever right for her. She's like Pauline Fowler. For me I'm physically ill but i just don't know what it is yet. I'm worried it's the beginning of Parkinsons as it's not just the sleep with me. Was she a good mum to you when you were young?

Well, OP, I think you need to stop inviting her to stay, tbh!

As a nearly 60 person sleep deprivation now is worse than when I was younger. It makes me quite ill most of the time. At her age it is possible she might be developing something and it is affecting her ability to cope with everyday life. Not that you should have to put up with it.

You shouldn't admire them- it's nothing specific they've done except got lucky. Those of us who are saddled with difficult, critical and narcissistic mothers have a lifetime of grief. Set boundaries is my advice. She'll never change.

Poor sleep which has been going on for decades is just horrible. I dare say that during this time she has spoken to GP multiple times and not really got very far. It’s sounds like she is doing all of the right things and it will be very frustrating for her that sleep is still poor. I speak from bitter experience. My life is less than a quarter of what is should be and its a heavy burden to carry around. GP is useless as there is a limit as to what can be offered.

You can’t compare how you feel as a much younger women, who will hopefully find that your sleep improves as your little ones get older. I just hope that you don’t follow suit with your DM and find it lasts for the rest of your life.

Having said that, if you don’t want to be around her, you need to start pushing back. However, you may find that more empathy and spending a few mins listing to her complaining about how she feels, allows her to offload and be listened to and then move on to more normal conversation. It’s however up to you as to how you want to approach it.

Could you have a really empathetic conversation with her that is focused entirely on her and her problems with sleep? If she gets that bit of undivided attention and validation, she may well perk up and feel cared for. I think when people become awkward like this, its often a kind of unhappiness that they are not being recognised, somehow. She invited herself to stay - was that a kind of cry for sympathetic attention from you?

I’ve only realised my mother is a narcissist quite recently, I’m 41 and she’s nearly 80. I had cancer last year and all she could talk about was how she could help and when we said we just need a bit of time right now to process, her response was ‘but what about me, what do i do!’ This is just an example, it’s gotten worse with age. She will just drone on and on about herself now and how tough things are (she’s wealthy, wants for nothing, in good health apart from a bad back now and again) it’s very tiring so I see her less often and for shorter periods. I’m still grateful for her being my mother and we did have better times when we were younger.

If she's not sleeping anyway could she help with the kids when they wake?

Is she depressed? What’s she like with other people? My grandma suffered with depression for many years. She could put on a bright demeanour when she needed to, but she always off loaded all her negative feelings onto my mum. My mum was the person who saw her the most and she never got the cheerier version, only the woe is me version, it really took its toll on her.

Op reduce contact. Mine is older but similar. 80s. Its draining. I visit but one day plenty. Exhausting though as you say

She invited herself to stay.

That's not actually true. She can ask to visit and you can say no. You do need to take some responsibility here for your own actions.

As someone who's health (and therefore mental health) goes constantly from one extreme to the other, it's really really hard to be the person you want to be when you're not feeling well (or are exhausted like your mother).

Also when you're feeling well, you think "Crikey is this how other people feel all the time?" and you realise that when you complain about being ill, they have no idea how bad you feel. Unless they struggle with chronic health issues too of course.

It's made me more empathetic towards grumpy people because I know from experience that if someone feels really well physically and mentally, they're happy and positive and vice versa. Also if someone is ill, they do tend to be self-centred because it's hard to think about anything else.

Sounds hellish! I'm sorry .
And to still blame being pregnant with you, after all this time 💐.

If she is suffering from chronic insomnia you do realise she can’t “just sleep”, right?

Insomnia is hellish and it sounds like she’s doing a lot to try to solve it, meanwhile you’re doing the “well I have a baby so it’s worse for me” thing here.

That said she still needs to go to the doctor to discuss it but there’s very little help available.

The only solution here is for her to return to her own space asap. Healthier for all and the relationship between all.

That’s sleep deprivation for ya