AIBU to not let DS go out with friends unless he specifies where

We live in a city that has some high crime areas so I focus more on where to avoid and why. For example, an particular area is known for drug sales so likely to have trouble and you don’t want to get caught up in that. Giving logical reasons for avoiding certain areas works best.

If you have a 17 year old who’s grown up and goes out and about in a city, you can be pretty sure he’s at least as streetwise as you!

At 16 you are being ridiculous

That's neither mollycoddling nor micromanagement. It's just basic good manners.

Knowing roughly where someone is, in a world where accidents/incidents happen, is not unreasonable.

And if I know ds has gone further afield, I know not to have a glass of wine because I'll probably have to do a station run later.

My ds is 17. He always tells me where he's going and who with. Just as I always tell him where I'm going and who with. It wouldn't occur to either of us not to.

What's his issue? Not being open suggests he's up to no good. If he doesn't know exactly, fair enough. " a few pubs in Guildford town centre" would do.

Or turn phone tracking on.

Why does he need permission to go out?
By 16 mine would let me know they were going and rough time of being back that's it.
Unless there is backstory you are being controlling.

This

Usually I would preface if he is heading further afield make sure he gets last train or bus etc

Do you actually want a good relationship with him as he transitions into adulthood?

He's 16
"Are you going to be home for dinner? Have fun and call me if there's a problem. Bye" is all you need to say

@BendingSpoons. Even if they have an initial plan, they may end up doing something else afterwards, that often happens with my DS. That’s why I focus more on the areas to avoid.

If he’s 16 then the plans will probably change once they’re out anyway, eg if one of them doesn’t get served in the pub they’ll have to go to another.
I would prefer to know at least roughly where they’re going though and would be worried if they were being secretive, but I’m from a family of all girls where the information is always offered.

He might not even know sometimes. They might be meeting up and figuring out the plan on the way.

Ludicrous. No wonder young adults struggle to be independent when they are mollycoddled and micromanaged by parents.

Honestly, if you push this, he'll just lie, and you'll have no idea where he is anyway.

I dedinitely didn't tell my parents anything at that age just walked out the house.
But I will be requesting a location from my children when they get to 16, I think things are a bit more dangerous nowdays and I would like to be able to at least have a last seen location if they didn't make it home.

That's even worse!

At that age I would imagine they do not plan ahead that much. So they say head into London and then decide what to do.

OP doesn’t need to watch and worry, she simply wants piece of mind he is safe and she can locate him should she need to eg he not be home at an agreed time.

As long as he has a fully charged phone with him, give him freedom.

With DS (17), I like to have an idea of what he’s doing, e.g., going to Friend X’s house, playing soccer at this field, etc.

We live in a city that has some high crime areas so I focus more on where to avoid and why. For example, an particular area is known for drug sales so likely to have trouble and you don’t want to get caught up in that. Giving logical reasons for avoiding certain areas works best.

Surely unless a cinema trip or something similar is planned they just meet up and go where the wind blows them 🤔
Generally they just hang out. He should be giving you a rough location eg London, into town or whatever and a time to arrive home.

He's 16 not 12, time to start loosening the reins a bit! It's normal to start wanting a bit of privacy and independence at that age, Christ I don't think my mam ever knew where I was when I was 16, she just trusted me to not get into too much mischief (and made sure I knew that if mischief did occur she was a phonecall away to come to the rescue no questions asked)

He is 16! Maybe he doesn't even know where he is going to be able to tell you. That age they want to just go out with their mates and hang out.

For me, I think a vague, 'do you have any plans?' would be fine enough but I would make sure he knows what time he is expected back home.

You could tell him you want to be able to see his location on a tracking app such as Life360.

Do you have any reason to be worried? Do you think he may be up to no good while he is out?

when I was that age plans were made when we met up. And required negotiation with the group. Very few individuals were in a social position they could enforce their preferences without discussion.

Don't do this, it won't give you any peace of mind watching him on a map but it will ruin your relationship.

He's 16 not 6.

Parents who treat their 16yos like this are in for a huge shock when their dc hit 18.

You're supposed to be giving them independence and life skills and encouraging open communication at this age, not putting your foot down, or he won't be telling you anything at all soon enough.