AIBU to not let DS go out with friends unless he specifies where

He’s 16, surely you were 16 at one point too and weren’t created in a lab as an adult and just released into the wild?

If he's in central London you'd worry a bit about him getting mugged and/or stabbed with the way things are these days

I might say something like "I'm going round Jane's, don't wait up" - or "don't forget Susan and I are going for lunch so I'll not be here when you get back" - but I would never text him to say I'd arrived somewhere or that I was running late - unless it was going to impact our own plans in some way.

For example, I'm due back home from a pet-sitting job tonight, but I have no idea about times as it depends on the owners' flight times and traffic on the way back from the airport.

He knows I'll be back before bed - anything else is irrelevant, really. He's not my keeper.

@TheZanyZebra@thisishowloween So are you saying that people in your family just come and go without any communication with each other? No “Let me know when you get there”? No “Trains are screwed-I’ll be late.” Just “Bye-see you when I see you”

Because it’s not healthy to rely on someone else’s behaviour to appease your own anxieties, nor is it healthy to teach your children that they need to to change their behaviour to make someone else’s irrational thoughts go away.

You only have to read all the threads on here from people whose kids/partners forget to text one day and the OP is spiralling because they think they’re dead in a ditch or something.

Relying on other people to change their behaviour to make you feel better isn’t helpful long term, regardless of how harmless you feel it is.

it shouldn't have that burden, it's very selfish if his parents expect him to take it on.

How exactly are you planning on stopping a 16 year old going out?

Fair enough. Our family operates as a community-we like and care for each other and try to look after each other. Why shouldn’t a young adult do something that helps another member of the family feel better? Particularly if it has no impact on their freedom.

Fair enough. Our family operates as a community-we like and care for each other and try to look after each other. Why shouldn’t a young adult do something that helps another member of the family feel better? Particularly if it has no impact on their freedom.

Hm, I’m not sure I entirely agree with that, to be honest.

Thinking about how your behaviour impacts others needs to work both ways, and getting people to behave a certain way to appease your anxiety isn’t right, IMO.

This - he could tell you anything anyway and just tell you what you want to hear, there comes a point where you need to start loosening the apron strings and letting them grow up.

It is hard, though.

Sometimes it isn’t, I agree. But it is very healthy to consider how your behaviour impacts on other people and if you can do something very minor and non intrusive that will ease someone else’s mind then you should think about doing it. My children were in no way restricted by sending me a text saying “Heading for Whitstable”

It’s not healthy for children to have to behave a certain way to make adults feel better, though.

The children who commit crime are often out at silly o clock at a young age and have a long history of antisocial behaviour. They are likely to sneak out or walk out the house when they feel like it and don’t even tell an adult before doing so.

If the friends are dodgy (and OP doesn’t say this) then I understand why you wouldn’t be keen but you can’t really stop a 16 year old can you?

That’s why we had the “tell me when you move town” protocol. My kids also understood that it was mostly to make me feel better, and generally, they wanted to do that.

At 16 I expected an estimated time of return so that I knew how much to cook for dinner. Obviously perfectly acceptable for him to call later and say I won’t be back for dinner. Please leave in fridge do I can reheat later.

Yes exactly, I would have no idea myself at that age, heck half of the time as an older adult i have no Idea

This was about the age when we sat down with our kids and talked about how we could negotiate this stuff. The agreement we came to was that they would message us if they moved to a different town or village (we live rurally and they had scattered friends) and they would message when they arrived at wherever they were sleeping/spending the night. I remember saying-and they remember too- that they shouldn’t do anything that would make me look like a crap mother if they went missing and I had to do a televised press conference.

He's 16! I don't know about England, but in Scotland at 16 you can leave school, get married, vote and join the Army.

Stop mollycoddling him and instead have healthy discussions about safety, keeping his phone charged etc.

Kids should be allowed out without being tracked.

Would you want your adult daughter to be tracked like this by her possessive partner?

He’s 16 - he probably doesn’t know where he’s going in advance!

You’d hope, wouldn’t you? 🙈

Friends boy has his friends round and then the boys go out and leave their phones at her house … so any parents tracking would see their kids are in that house…
justbsaying… don’t think they get up to much, just mooching around the local park or whatever.

We’re happy with a vague location and a rough idea of who our 15 year old is with. Has to either be home at a certain time or call to say if he can’t or wants to sleepover or whatever.
they need some freedom! Push it and your DC will just lie…
But ours is sensible kid. Not a party kid so our attitude may change if he starts getting into going to parties or alcohol.

YANBU at all. Perfectly sensible.