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AIBU?

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Original poster

BIL hijacking dinner

107 replies

OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:00

Last night we invited my SIL (DH sister), her husband, their two adult DC, my BIL (DH brother), his wife, and their twin boys (6) for dinner this weekend.

DH and I have two DS (16) and (9).

We usually see BIL and his family twice a year, once at SIL house and once at our house. We are never invited to their house.

BIL’s twins turned 6 last week and they had a large birthday party with their friends to which we were not invited (not expecting an invitation and not upset about this). BIL had not arranged anything for his family to celebrate the birthday (again fine and not expecting this).

BIL has now said he will bring a birthday cake to dinner to celebrate his twins.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We will be hosting everyone (DH is a very good cook and will be preparing everything) but it’s not meant to be a birthday gathering for BIL twins?

It was also my DS’s 9th birthday 2 weeks ago too, but we had not meant for this to be a party for him either.

DH has told BIL not to bring a cake as I had a planned to make one (I bake as a hobby and SIL likes one cake in particular which I had planned to make for her).

But I’m concerned now that BIL will use my cake as a birthday cake for his twins and we will all end up doing what he wanted anyway.

DH says it’s not a big deal and to just let BIL get on with it.

I think I may be being unreasonable because I’m still a bit miffed about what happened a couple of years ago. We all met at SIL for dinner two days after my DS’s 7th birthday. It was over a week before the twins birthday but closer to my DS’s. BIL did the same thing again and produced a cake for his twins while ignoring our DS.

So, AIBU and if not, what can I do to stop BIL?

OP posts:
WhatAKnob47 · 29/10/2025 09:02

I think you're being a bit horrible. I'm not really sure what you're getting worked up about. You are all meeting up near to all the kids' birthdays. I'd just do a cake/ cupcake for each of them. Personally, I think you should celebrate when you can because life is too short. If BIL has done this before, leave your kid out, then in the future, make sure your kid isn't left out.

Frynye · 29/10/2025 09:00

Yes I would bring it out with loads of candles and say it’s for this “birthday month”. Don’t let it wind you up and ruin your day.

ComfortFoodCafe · 29/10/2025 08:59

I think i would of said “no need to bring cake ds9 celebrated his birthday & so did the twins already didnt they?”

crumpet · 29/10/2025 08:53

”We’ve had quite a few birthdays recently so here’s a cake to celebrate ds, dn and dn”

Original poster
OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:52

Thanks all. This has helped. I think I’ll have to celebrate all three boys if BIL does hijack (will attempt just to serve cake as planned without any birthday hoopla) and just make sure my DS isn’t left out.

All this cake talk has made me super hungry for cake now…

OP posts:
123456abcdef · 29/10/2025 08:51

Pre cut and plate the cake. And make sure you have a 9 candle to shove in ds slice if bil brings candles (bonus points if you get number candles for everyone’s age!)

saraclara · 29/10/2025 08:50

Yep, hide the cake until it's time to bring it in, then make a big deal of you having made it for SIL.

If he arrives bearing candles etc, simply say that you understood that the twins had already had their birthday party, and the cake was made for SIL

1willgetthere · 29/10/2025 08:49

You can never have too much cake in my opinion, there are 12 people, just let them bring it and then people have a choice of desert or the option for 2 slices!

Velvian · 29/10/2025 08:46

Make the cake @OneBlueOnePink and stick some candles in it for your DS, let BIL bring the cake and candles for his DSs. All 3 boys can have a happy birthday from their family.

I understand BIL may be PFB and superior about his DSs, but this is a bit petty and not the issue. BIL's boys have gad their birthdays celebrated as he has suggested it and brought a cake, you and DH should do the same for your DCs.

Original poster
OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:45

Allaboutthecats · 29/10/2025 08:42

Just let him bring his cake for the twins and you use your cake for your DS. Do three rounds of happy birthday. This isn't a big issue.

I see your perspective. I guess my point is we just wanted to invite everyone over for dinner- we were not planning on celebrating anyone’s birthday.

BIL hadn’t arranged anything himself for his family but is now using our gathering to celebrate his twins and that’s annoyed me.

But I get it. So I need to either just use the cake as a dessert as planned and serve it OR find a way to celebrate all 3 DC.

And avoid this time of year in the future.

OP posts:
tripleginandtonic · 29/10/2025 08:44

MellowPinkDeer · 29/10/2025 08:02

‘They’ve already had a party and a cake, let’s keep this to the family gathering we had planned’ thanks and bye.

just say no op.

This.

NewPhase23 · 29/10/2025 08:42

I can see why you're annoyed but I wouldn't begrudge some 6 year olds a birthday cake. Just find a way to work in all the birthdays and avoid this time of year in future, as someone else said.

Allaboutthecats · 29/10/2025 08:42

Just let him bring his cake for the twins and you use your cake for your DS. Do three rounds of happy birthday. This isn't a big issue.

GardenGaff · 29/10/2025 08:38

TwinklyNight · 29/10/2025 08:34

Ditch the cake idea to be safe. You and your ds can make cupcake versions, with a picture of his face on every one of them. 😀

This is a great idea 😂

Or on the day when BIL is faffing around with candles asking where the cake is… “oh I decided to make apple crumble and custard instead” and dish it up in the kitchen.

Original poster
OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:37

I understand all the queries about why we’re even inviting BIL. It’s because DH wants to invite them and see his nephews.

I don’t mind this and I’m not bothered about the lack of reciprocal invitation.

It’s the potential hijacking, ignoring of my DS and using the dinner for his own purposes that I have an issue with.

Appreciate that we could have timed it better but this weekend worked for us.

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 29/10/2025 08:37

Haha yea get an edible photo of your son and put it on your cake. That’s not for the twins !

TwinklyNight · 29/10/2025 08:34

Ditch the cake idea to be safe. You and your ds can make cupcake versions, with a picture of his face on every one of them. 😀

TheOccupier · 29/10/2025 08:32

YANBU. Doing one shared birthday cake for twins is crap anyway! Make the cake you want to make and be ready to stick 9 candles on it for your DS to blow out if BIL turns up with one for his kids.

Original poster
OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:24

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 29/10/2025 08:17

if he does bring a cake, whisk it away and stash it till after everyone's had the meal that you, the host, planned to serve.

when you bring it out*, make a big point about it being for all three birthday children, and offer the candles to your ds to blow out first (as he's the oldest, and his bday was first) then relight them for the twins?! that should teach him!

(* covering it with clingfilm first, to avoid the saliva-on-cake problem = genius idea i saw on here a while ago)

ps: the cake you make yourself, which is being served as part of the meal, can just be cut in the kitchen, and brought to the table as individual portions.

Edited

I like this too! Think he’s unlikely to bring a cake as DH has told him not to- just hijack mine and bring candles etc. So I think making the point that it’s my DS’s birthday too (even though it’s not really anyone’s birthday) may be the way forward.

Oh- just saw the edit! I like this idea too- just cut it and serve it rather than a big performance. Only issue is that we usually ask if everyone is ready for/wants tea/cake but there’s nothing to stop me just cutting a couple of slices in advance…

OP posts:
aWeeCornishPastie · 29/10/2025 08:23

Yes he is hijacking it and sounds like a bit of a dick tbh. Not really sure why your being so accommodating to them in the first place

Original poster
OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:20

GardenGaff · 29/10/2025 08:16

Just don’t let him near your cake until it’s on the table and you are slicing into it. Bring it out to the table announcing that you know it’s SIL’s favourite so you baked it especially for her.

If he tries to get near it with candles or whatever, look bemused and say “they had their party and cake last week didn’t they?”.

I like this idea!

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 29/10/2025 08:20

I would totally do candles for my ds, bring the cake out and say luckily bil reminded me! we did the twins at sils and ds hasn’t had a family birthday! And light them and start singing.

Original poster
OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:17

Thanks for all responses.

Timing is due to the half term break as our DC normally have lots of clubs/activities/parties at the weekend and we’re usually very busy. We had my family over last weekend for the same reason.

DH hasn’t seen his family for a while and wanted to have them all over. I don’t have a problem with that generally as he does all the cooking.

OP posts:
Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 29/10/2025 08:17

if he does bring a cake, whisk it away and stash it till after everyone's had the meal that you, the host, planned to serve.

when you bring it out*, make a big point about it being for all three birthday children, and offer the candles to your ds to blow out first (as he's the oldest, and his bday was first) then relight them for the twins?! that should teach him!

(* covering it with clingfilm first, to avoid the saliva-on-cake problem = genius idea i saw on here a while ago)

ps: the cake you make yourself, which is being served as part of the meal, can just be cut in the kitchen, and brought to the table as individual portions.

GardenGaff · 29/10/2025 08:16

Just don’t let him near your cake until it’s on the table and you are slicing into it. Bring it out to the table announcing that you know it’s SIL’s favourite so you baked it especially for her.

If he tries to get near it with candles or whatever, look bemused and say “they had their party and cake last week didn’t they?”.