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AIBU?

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Original poster

BIL hijacking dinner

107 replies

OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:00

Last night we invited my SIL (DH sister), her husband, their two adult DC, my BIL (DH brother), his wife, and their twin boys (6) for dinner this weekend.

DH and I have two DS (16) and (9).

We usually see BIL and his family twice a year, once at SIL house and once at our house. We are never invited to their house.

BIL’s twins turned 6 last week and they had a large birthday party with their friends to which we were not invited (not expecting an invitation and not upset about this). BIL had not arranged anything for his family to celebrate the birthday (again fine and not expecting this).

BIL has now said he will bring a birthday cake to dinner to celebrate his twins.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We will be hosting everyone (DH is a very good cook and will be preparing everything) but it’s not meant to be a birthday gathering for BIL twins?

It was also my DS’s 9th birthday 2 weeks ago too, but we had not meant for this to be a party for him either.

DH has told BIL not to bring a cake as I had a planned to make one (I bake as a hobby and SIL likes one cake in particular which I had planned to make for her).

But I’m concerned now that BIL will use my cake as a birthday cake for his twins and we will all end up doing what he wanted anyway.

DH says it’s not a big deal and to just let BIL get on with it.

I think I may be being unreasonable because I’m still a bit miffed about what happened a couple of years ago. We all met at SIL for dinner two days after my DS’s 7th birthday. It was over a week before the twins birthday but closer to my DS’s. BIL did the same thing again and produced a cake for his twins while ignoring our DS.

So, AIBU and if not, what can I do to stop BIL?

OP posts:
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martha4clark · 05/11/2025 19:57

How did it go @OneBlueOnePink?

RebeccaRedhat · 01/11/2025 20:59

Make th3 cake you were planning and have it cut up and on plates/bowls before they get there so no big deal when it comes to dishing it out

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 30/10/2025 18:34

ithinkilikethislittlelife · 30/10/2025 07:40

That’s the odd thing for me. That he had a celebration for his children’s birthday and didn’t invite you and your family. His own brother??. Surely if he tries to make a big deal of their birthday now you can reply that you would have said happy birthday to them at their party if you’d been invited but you weren’t. And that birthday is now over.

Show quote history

I never invited family members to the kids party. That was for friends only.

Thelankyone · 30/10/2025 16:11

OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:52

Thanks all. This has helped. I think I’ll have to celebrate all three boys if BIL does hijack (will attempt just to serve cake as planned without any birthday hoopla) and just make sure my DS isn’t left out.

All this cake talk has made me super hungry for cake now…

Edited

Why on earth would you try to stop the kids being celebrated, you need to try to stop making this about your intense dislike for your bil and thus ruining it for everyone. No one is hijacking anything. Can you see how petty it sounds?

just text him and say making a cake for all 3 kids, got the candles. No drama required.

Thelankyone · 30/10/2025 16:08

BauhausOfEliott · 30/10/2025 15:24

This feels like quite a big fuss about something that doesn't matter very much.

"I'll bring a cake and candles so we can sing happy birthday to the twins."

"Oh, we're actually already making a cake, so no need - but if you want to bring candles we could sing happy birthday to the twins and to DS as well, as it was his birthday last week as well."

The above, to me, seems like all the conversation necessary.

That’s what I think, it’s so easy resolved. Oh good idea let’s celebrate all 3 kids, you bring the cake or I will make one, job done. All this stressing and turning it into some form of nefarious game of one up manship is so unnecessary. Don’t stop the kids being celebrated or agrue about candles, it’s ludicrous. Just text and say making a cake to celebrate all 3 kids, will have the candles at the ready.

kids are happy, adults happy, no kid excluded, kids all get a birthday cake and sung to, why the drama,

BauhausOfEliott · 30/10/2025 15:24

This feels like quite a big fuss about something that doesn't matter very much.

"I'll bring a cake and candles so we can sing happy birthday to the twins."

"Oh, we're actually already making a cake, so no need - but if you want to bring candles we could sing happy birthday to the twins and to DS as well, as it was his birthday last week as well."

The above, to me, seems like all the conversation necessary.

Hopingtobeaparent · 30/10/2025 14:28

OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:52

Thanks all. This has helped. I think I’ll have to celebrate all three boys if BIL does hijack (will attempt just to serve cake as planned without any birthday hoopla) and just make sure my DS isn’t left out.

All this cake talk has made me super hungry for cake now…

Edited

Indeed, if you can’t beat them, join them! If it’s becoming a birthday thing as family are gathering and it’s near significant days, mark them, celebrate, enjoy, and let there be cake!

(BiL clearly a bit selfish, thoughtless, whatever, it’s up to you to make sure yours get included now you know his game!)

LetMeGoogleThat · 30/10/2025 11:31

You could go NC, or just stop worrying about such a minor thing! Bil cake can be for all 3 kids, maybe as you only see them twice a year, you're probably getting angry about something he doesn't even realise. Go ahead and make your cake, choice is good and everyone is happy.

If you don't want to enjoy, but merely tolerate a family gathering, don't have one.

DappledThings · 30/10/2025 10:59

Noshowlomo · 30/10/2025 10:25

I think most are missing the point. It’s not the celebration of his twins birthday thats the problem, it’s the fact they weren’t invited to any parties, they were completely left out, and now BIL wants to use this get together as another party of sorts, even though his twins birthday was weeks ago. No mention of OPs son who also recently had a birthday.
Correct me if I’m wrong OP

I haven't missed that point. I just still don't see why it's worth getting upset about or doing something to make a point. So he wants an extra cake. Let him have it, roll your eyes at the fuss and move on. Not worth the headspace.

Noshowlomo · 30/10/2025 10:25

I think most are missing the point. It’s not the celebration of his twins birthday thats the problem, it’s the fact they weren’t invited to any parties, they were completely left out, and now BIL wants to use this get together as another party of sorts, even though his twins birthday was weeks ago. No mention of OPs son who also recently had a birthday.
Correct me if I’m wrong OP

mydogisanidiott · 30/10/2025 09:12

A cannot imagine a family who don’t want to celebrate children’s birthdays.

I think it’s a lovely idea!

GAJLY · 30/10/2025 09:04

I suppose you could bake some cupcakes and put candles in them at the end for all the birthday kids? Or not. I personally wouldn't because it's been 2 weeks now and it's not their birthday now. Just slice up half the cake, then serve it when it's time to.

StewkeyBlue · 30/10/2025 08:53

How will you enjoy the day if it is spent scheming stay one step ahead of BIL and his evil hijack plans?

Change your outlook to his: “ how lovely to be able to say happy birthday to all the younger cousins together with their aunts and uncles”.

It’s just one small part of the day / dinner.

All this suspicion and resentment must be exhausting. Choose fun and joy and enjoy your cake!

Thelankyone · 30/10/2025 08:41

Surprised at the responses, I couldn’t get worked up about this, I’d just say, sure let’s do it for all the kids shall we, I will bake. No biggie.

ThroughTheRedDoor · 30/10/2025 08:36

I think a few minutes celebrating (all 3) children's birthdays is a lovely thing to do and doesn't interfere in any way with the rest of the gathering. Kids won't want this sort of fuss soon enough....enjoy it while you can, get some photos.

Lighten up!

blizymitzy · 30/10/2025 08:28

B1anche · 29/10/2025 08:08

If it's just a cake then does it matter? Have your normal gathering plus 10 mins max singing happy birthday and eating cake.

My DP has a big family and if a gathering is near a birthday someone might bring a cake. It's never occurred to me to be upset about it.

This ⬆️

does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if you sing happy birthday to 3 children at a family gathering for a couple of minutes.
happens all the time in our large family and it’s never occurred to me to be upset.
It’s not like he’s asking you to provide a birthday cake .

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 30/10/2025 07:56

picture the scene where I work..

teacher- anyone had or got birthday coming up ?

any kid who has/had would stand up

we’d all sign happy birthday dear, bob george Kenny sally Julie…. With much hilarious laughter trying to sing all the names in time to the happy birthday dear bob george Kenny Sally Julie which is just two musical beats/note 🎵

i understand the irritation, but let it go … you’ve many more birthdays to go.

ithinkilikethislittlelife · 30/10/2025 07:40

GardenGaff · 29/10/2025 10:32

If the BIL is that desperate for “just a bit of cake and a song with family”… well, he could have invited them all to the twins party last week Confused.

That’s the odd thing for me. That he had a celebration for his children’s birthday and didn’t invite you and your family. His own brother??. Surely if he tries to make a big deal of their birthday now you can reply that you would have said happy birthday to them at their party if you’d been invited but you weren’t. And that birthday is now over.

Ellie1015 · 30/10/2025 06:02

It is a bit unusual but hardly a celebration, will be singing happy birthday. Will take about 2 mins of the evening. Do it for your ds too if it bothers you or ds.

Evaka · 30/10/2025 05:15

Allaboutthecats · 29/10/2025 08:42

Just let him bring his cake for the twins and you use your cake for your DS. Do three rounds of happy birthday. This isn't a big issue.

Right? In my family and extended family we'd use the opp to sing happy birthday to anyone with a recent or upcoming bday. Not for score keeping and grudges. JFC, let it go and enjoy dinner with your loved ones.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 30/10/2025 04:53

OneBlueOnePink · 29/10/2025 08:00

Last night we invited my SIL (DH sister), her husband, their two adult DC, my BIL (DH brother), his wife, and their twin boys (6) for dinner this weekend.

DH and I have two DS (16) and (9).

We usually see BIL and his family twice a year, once at SIL house and once at our house. We are never invited to their house.

BIL’s twins turned 6 last week and they had a large birthday party with their friends to which we were not invited (not expecting an invitation and not upset about this). BIL had not arranged anything for his family to celebrate the birthday (again fine and not expecting this).

BIL has now said he will bring a birthday cake to dinner to celebrate his twins.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? We will be hosting everyone (DH is a very good cook and will be preparing everything) but it’s not meant to be a birthday gathering for BIL twins?

It was also my DS’s 9th birthday 2 weeks ago too, but we had not meant for this to be a party for him either.

DH has told BIL not to bring a cake as I had a planned to make one (I bake as a hobby and SIL likes one cake in particular which I had planned to make for her).

But I’m concerned now that BIL will use my cake as a birthday cake for his twins and we will all end up doing what he wanted anyway.

DH says it’s not a big deal and to just let BIL get on with it.

I think I may be being unreasonable because I’m still a bit miffed about what happened a couple of years ago. We all met at SIL for dinner two days after my DS’s 7th birthday. It was over a week before the twins birthday but closer to my DS’s. BIL did the same thing again and produced a cake for his twins while ignoring our DS.

So, AIBU and if not, what can I do to stop BIL?

Dear lord, just celebrate both. My mother's birthday is 10 days before mine, my cousibs 2 days after. I always shared family birthday celebrations with them, and it never once bothered me. Another cousin was the same birthday as my dad. So we would celebrate both. None of us ever were upset about it. Maybe you're the one who needs to grow up and learn to share.

rwalker · 29/10/2025 21:37

I can’t believe what spiteful measure some grown adults are suggesting to avoid two 6 year olds having 5 minutes for happy birthday

If needs really must line all 3 kids up and say we’ve had some birthdays in the last month and sing to all 3

for the life of me I can’t see the drama

grown adults on here suggesting dropping the cake and sabotaging it that would create more drama and take away more from what must be the equivalent of “ hyacinth’s candle light suppers “

Mikki77 · 29/10/2025 21:27

Just tell him if he wants to have a celebration with a birthday cake for the twin's birthday then he should host a dinner. Your dinner is to celebrate your darling child.

Thecarstairsitreallyhurtsmegirl · 29/10/2025 20:24

Bil is a Grade A wanker.

chattyness · 29/10/2025 20:24

I would probably say something like "If you wanted us to celebrate the twins birthday you should have invited us to their party" But that's just me, I'm quite direct because I don't like being stepped on or taken advantage of.