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Original poster

I got my dream job but…

134 replies

Rearing2go · 28/10/2025 23:59

As the title says, I got my dream job but house plans have fallen through and now I will be unemployed.

Im in a ldr with Bf, he rents off family at a cheaper price. Our plan was I move to his country (few hours away) ready to pack everything up everything is planned. Fm doesn’t want me to move into house with no reasoning just only family renting.

House rent is unbelievable dear , I don’t know if I can leave now but I’m unemployed as I’ve quit job and can’t take back. This has put a strain on relationship.

Aibu to give up support system and take job and we find a place but struggle (not sit comfortably now)
Or should I stay with support system and finally go it alone (houses are cheaper here) but still do ldr which is hard but works

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 29/10/2025 01:30

If it really is your dream job then move over, just rent a room and if it ends up working out with boyfriend it does, if not, you still have the dream job to springboard from.

NewJobProblem · 29/10/2025 01:30

Ireland - is it in a city or the back of beyond? If you’ll be working in a town or city you’ll be able to find a flat share, be a lodger, etc. Do the dream job for 6 months. In that time you’ll get a clear idea of whether the relationship is going to work. If it’s working, move in together out of his family home. If it’s not working, you’ll have six months work in your dream job to put on your CV which will help you move on. I think the key thing for now is, move for the job, not for living together. It’s the only job you have, take it and see how things play out.

KellsBells7 · 29/10/2025 01:28

Could you look at renting a room in a house share?

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2025 01:28

So his Mammy thinks that you are not good enough and has made sure that she can fuck up your life (waiting until you have left your old job) by withdrawing the understanding that you can move in, right?

Walk away. This shit will only get worse.

Either he comes to you or you break up. Done.

Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 01:08

DarkForces · 29/10/2025 01:01

Honestly I'd stay put and find a new job. Your future with this man sounds miserable. He doesn't sound like someone you can depend on and moving to a different country with no support and it being unaffordable alone is making yourself very dependent on him and vulnerable. Much better to build your life somewhere where you have friends and family to fall back on.

We have the best relationship, until this so it’s very hard for me to walk away which I know I should walk away from relationship as I’m been treated horribly in this moment.
I don’t want to walk away and lose a good relationship and let family member win but I also need to demand more from bf and he needs to step up and stand up to family member which I’m trying to make him see without becoming controlling myself or playing games like said family member, I need to treat carefully so I’m not seen as trying to take him away from family

OP posts:
DarkForces · 29/10/2025 01:01

Honestly I'd stay put and find a new job. Your future with this man sounds miserable. He doesn't sound like someone you can depend on and moving to a different country with no support and it being unaffordable alone is making yourself very dependent on him and vulnerable. Much better to build your life somewhere where you have friends and family to fall back on.

Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:58

I agree with posters saying about bf not putting me first and making me a priority, I’ve talked to him that’s all we have done and he tells me he is committed but he is so far gone with being controlled that I think I’m scared to confront the truth and I hate this because I always thought I was over being treated like a mug and had self respect but clearly this has shook me

OP posts:
Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:54

NewJobProblem · 29/10/2025 00:49

But you still have the offer of the new/dream job, which is in the boyfriend’s country?

Since you’ve left your current job and have the other job offer, I would take it and go.

I would ask the family landlord if you could stay temporarily with boyfriend while you look for somewhere to live. Look for a flat share to keep costs down? Or friends of boyfriend may have a spare room? Your relationship has been long distance and suddenly you’ll be together - you living in a flat share separate from him could be a good first step so you get used to being close to each other but not too much all at once. Then once you’ve settled into the job and are sure you like living in the country, you and he can live together.

What country is it? People may have more useful living suggestions depending where it is.

Edited

I think I will be outcast from family as family member has control over everyone. I’m not sure I’ll even be allowed in house again tbh for in standing up for myself and confronting family member.

its Ireland

OP posts:
Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:52

twilightermummy · 29/10/2025 00:50

If you stay together can you really foresee a time where this situation wouldn't become too much?
I think you should take the job and separate from him. Family members can have a horrible grip on people but he's not even remotely putting you anywhere near first position.

I honestly couldn’t afford rent on my own if I take the job, and I don’t know anyone in his country as in I’ve no support system I’ve no friends because it’s always been ldr so I haven’t had a chance to make friends

OP posts:
twilightermummy · 29/10/2025 00:50

If you stay together can you really foresee a time where this situation wouldn't become too much?
I think you should take the job and separate from him. Family members can have a horrible grip on people but he's not even remotely putting you anywhere near first position.

Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:50

I completely agree with you, I’m just afraid to lose him which makes me sound pathetic but he has been good to me , we have an amazing relationship but unfortunately we can’t choose families and this has really hurt both of us, we didn’t see it coming, everything is just so up in the air and difficult.

OP posts:
NewJobProblem · 29/10/2025 00:49

But you still have the offer of the new/dream job, which is in the boyfriend’s country?

Since you’ve left your current job and have the other job offer, I would take it and go.

I would ask the family landlord if you could stay temporarily with boyfriend while you look for somewhere to live. Look for a flat share to keep costs down? Or friends of boyfriend may have a spare room? Your relationship has been long distance and suddenly you’ll be together - you living in a flat share separate from him could be a good first step so you get used to being close to each other but not too much all at once. Then once you’ve settled into the job and are sure you like living in the country, you and he can live together.

What country is it? People may have more useful living suggestions depending where it is.

Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:47

TheatricalLife · 29/10/2025 00:39

How well do you actually know your partner? Has it always been a LDR? I don't know if it's wise to leave everything you know for a situation that is so messy.

2 and a half years, and it has always been ldr but we have made it work by seeing each other every week for a few days and we have spent a lot of time together and thought we would be building a future together

OP posts:
Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:45

twilightermummy · 29/10/2025 00:39

Another idea, could you apologise (with your fingers crossed) and see if they'd let you stay for a month or 2 whilst you find alternative accommodation?
I can't believe how selfish some people are.

I’ve apologised and I could bend over backwards and do anything possible but family member is narcissistic and controls my bf so much that he is so afraid to be cut off from family (this has happened previously before we met)

OP posts:
BaconCheeses · 29/10/2025 00:43

Get away from your boyfriend and his shitshow.

A real man would move heaven and earth for a relationship they want.

You say "our plans" as though he has done anything other than let you work your life around him. He hasn't been inconvenienced.

Take a long hard look at how he has ever been a team player. Then dump him because you deserve better and this is a wake up call.

Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:43

twilightermummy · 29/10/2025 00:37

Really, if the family member is difficult, they may have turfed you out a few months down the line. Are you absolutely sure this isn't him making excuses?

I think you should move out there now even if you initially have to rent a room. A dream job is a big deal and if things go tits up out there then you can look to moving back without being out of work. You never know, with or without your boyfriend, you could have a great life waiting for you out there. If money is a struggle perhaps you could look at taking on a second job or work towards a promotion.
I hope that it works out well for you.

Definitely not him making excuses. He was in tears over it and he doesn’t do well with showing emotion and I have never got a good vibe off family member but have always tried to be respectful which there are times I’ve not received same treatment.
Ive told bf he needs to really think if he wants to move out with me and out of the house he loves and cause more problems with family member by doing so as they are very controlling towards bf.
He said he will really think about it not because he doesn’t want to live with me but how he is going to tell family he is scared of being cut off that is how much this family member has control over bf that he fears losing that relationship.

OP posts:
twilightermummy · 29/10/2025 00:39

Another idea, could you apologise (with your fingers crossed) and see if they'd let you stay for a month or 2 whilst you find alternative accommodation?
I can't believe how selfish some people are.

TheatricalLife · 29/10/2025 00:39

How well do you actually know your partner? Has it always been a LDR? I don't know if it's wise to leave everything you know for a situation that is so messy.

PflumPfeffer · 29/10/2025 00:38

You need to do what other young people do when they want to live in an expensive city: Rent a room, possibly separately from your boyfriend, and work up to being able to move in together. You can’t throw away your whole life chances and future for a boy due to housing issues!

Arlanymor · 29/10/2025 00:38

I think you need to take up the new job - that's imperative - and look to rent a room nearby.

twilightermummy · 29/10/2025 00:37

Really, if the family member is difficult, they may have turfed you out a few months down the line. Are you absolutely sure this isn't him making excuses?

I think you should move out there now even if you initially have to rent a room. A dream job is a big deal and if things go tits up out there then you can look to moving back without being out of work. You never know, with or without your boyfriend, you could have a great life waiting for you out there. If money is a struggle perhaps you could look at taking on a second job or work towards a promotion.
I hope that it works out well for you.

Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:36

Arlanymor · 29/10/2025 00:28

That's a blow - why has the family member only said this now? They must have known for some time because you don't move abroad overnight, they must have known that these plans were in place? That's really rough for you.

What does your boyfriend say? Presumably he wants you to move to his country - so he needs to start looking for a place that you can rent together? And you need to find some short term work in the meantime?

These plans have been in place since the start of the year. Family member knew that I was looking for work and even asked me how interviews went, but our relationship I’ve felt I’ve never been enough for bf in their eyes. I’ve felt they have been cold towards me and have digs in passed off as jokes.
Bf had no idea this was going to happen and feels numb and pretty shit that this had happened to me.
He is trying to support me and keep on family members good side.
Me and family member have had words after I found out this situation and I’ll admit I said things I shouldn’t have out of hurt and anger , I’ve since apologised which has went ignored but I can’t change it.
Our plans have just been blown up , I am supposed to be starting new job in one week and a half and I don’t know what to do in such short time, if I give it up and start again at home, or move and lose all my support here in a new country and job with only my bf.

OP posts:
SixSeven · 29/10/2025 00:28

So the dream job is in your boyfriend’s country? And you’ve quit your job where you live? Have you declined the new dream job too? If not I’d still go over there and something will work itself out if it’s meant to be.

Original poster
Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:28

Doughtie · 29/10/2025 00:19

Ok so the dream job is in your BF's country, but you can't afford private rent there? Or rather you can just about, but it would be a struggle?

When you talk if giving up support system do you mean staying in expensive country in private rental, or moving home? Would your BF come into private rental with you or stay in his family property?

I can’t afford private rent on my own, and buying a house in bfs country is not possible as the market is so unaffordable.
He has a difficult relationship with family member so is finding it very hard atm , it has almost caused us to break up because I can’t deal with this , being told everything was in place and now family member has decided to be difficult towards me and now I’m in this situation.
Bf is scared of being cut off from family so is trying to tread carefully on how to break news that he will be moving in with me , and I don’t think he’s ready as relationship is already difficult.
We could afford private rent, but only just.
I don’t know where to go from here

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 29/10/2025 00:28

That's a blow - why has the family member only said this now? They must have known for some time because you don't move abroad overnight, they must have known that these plans were in place? That's really rough for you.

What does your boyfriend say? Presumably he wants you to move to his country - so he needs to start looking for a place that you can rent together? And you need to find some short term work in the meantime?