I got my dream job but…

I would take your dream job and find the cheapest possible rental there. Either BF moves on with you or you split up, his family has made things difficult so it is time for him to have your back.

Is there potential for your earnings to increase with this dream job meaning that the struggle will be short term is ie a year or two it will it always be unaffordable there?

Your Bf needs to find his balls! He sounds ridiculous. Why dont the family like you? If they will cut him off and he has to 'tread carefully" there's something amiss.

All this talk about not letting the family member 'win' is just daft.
They dont want you and your bf is not making any solid moves to stick up for you or ease the situation.

Do you really want a bf who hasnt got your back?

Your options are clear, take the job and use it as a stepping stone and house share ot look for another job where you are. One thing that needs doing before all that is to get rid of the wimp of a bf.

One last thought though. Do you think he has got cold feet and making out that the family have changed their mind on the living situation to try and stop you going over? Have you evidence that they've changed their minds or have you only heard it from him?

You have three options

go to Ireland - rent and work with BF

stay - find a new job and BF moves

Bitch the BF

I think your BF is being flaky. Life is full of disappointments … it’s about dealing them together as a team.

The family member maybe controlling but you have to remove them from your situation to end the control. Sound like your BF doesn’t want to let go

why not do the new 'dream job' (and stay somewhere as a lodger/ short-termm tenant, if you really can't stay at your bf's - even though you've spent a few weekends/month there for the past 2+ years?)
while you look for a new dream job (back in the same place as your support system), then move back there?
Your bf will then have to decide if he wants to stay where he is, or move to be with you.

Yeah, cut the boyfriend -who is strangled by mammy's apron strings - out of your thinking and decide. Do I want to take this dream job, live in a flatshare in a fun but expensive city (Dublin, Cork, Galway, wherever it is) and perhaps use the role as a stepping stone back to a better role in the UK?

Or do I stay put and job hunt from the UK?

I think even if you are financially worse off by moving and renting independently versus stayin unemployed and job hunting in the uk (unlikely you would be Id think but I suppose possible if you could eg move in with a relative temporarily?) I think better for your overall prospects to take the job and go, have an adventure, but look to building on it to enhance your prospects in the uk.

And of course either way you will be saving the time and money you have been spending travelling to see Mammy's boy.

To be honest it doesn't sound like he has a support system there apart from them letting him rent the apartment. If you do have a support system it makes more sense he moves to you. If you move there it will be hard on both of you as I feel like the way his family is being will be hard on both of you. If he moves in with you at least you both will have a support system in place If your support system is more welcoming to him.

OP I live in Dublin. I promise you’ll make friends and create a life for yourself really quickly.

Look at renting a room in a house. There are loads of people doing this to bring the costs down. It’s not 10 people to a house either, everyone gets their own room.

Do this for yourself and your dream job. Forget about your BF in terms of housing or moving in together. You can do it on your own!

If it really is a dream job, not just a convenient job that brings you closer to your boyfriend, then can you rent the cheapest airbnb you can find for a month or so, settle into the job, get your first month's salary and then start either hunting for a place to share with your BF or prove to his family you have just the one head and he will be safe sharing with you.

OP you need to focus on you and let the BF sort his own shit out. Clearly he can’t stand up for himself.

You stay where you are with your support system and find a job and take it from there. It’s the only sensible decision right now.

Is there a religious aspect to all this?

Why can't your bf move out of his relative's place and rent with you, Op? As others have said he's definitely not prioritising you in any way.

My exfiance, he was from Eire. His Mammy hated me, she encouraged his affair partner to stay in their home for visits and she would drunk dial our home back in the 90's. Horrendous. I was not good enough. Walk away darling, he is not worth it.

I wouldn't continue a relationship with a wet lettuce so beholden to his mammy.

Which city is this? Can’t move into a house share? If the pay is so poor you can’t even afford to live there it’s not a dream job!

Allowing himself to be dominated like that at 30+ is pathetic. And he’s come up with no solutions, just cried on the phone. Loser.

But if this job is amazing, maybe you should go anyway and find a room in a shared house. Why not?! It could be great.

No is not move to bf’s country and give up the security of living in the uk. If your bf relies on his family for accommodation and it’s too expensive to private rent, he won’t risk being kicked out of his home for you and you’ll end up in a foreign country, an expensive one at that with no security and no one who has your best interests at heart.

Big red flags here. I’d ditch the boyfriend

What age are you both?

What country would you be leaving?

You both sound young and your bf not independent or strong at all. If his family are already supporting him, I can see why they might be reluctant to take another dependent on board.

If this is a dream job for you, but still doesn't pay enough to even rent a room (and if Dublin - I get Dublin is extortionate, but at least it should pay Dublin rates), then is it really such a great job?

OP there is no good that can come from this - your BF does not have a backbone when it comes to his family, tears or not, and your life will be infinitely more difficult once you've moved as from the sounds of it he's sold you a dream but not the reality - which is that he is an adult but still beholden to family as though he's a child. He's not ready to be in a proper adult relationship or live together. It's easy to text/videocall all day and have visits from a distance but when you're talking about taking big, real life steps he has absolutely crumbled at the first hurdle and your life has blown up as a result. You should be furious at all of them. Please do not take this as anything but cold clear evidence of what you are getting yourself in for.

Can you find a house share to move into and take on the dream job to have it on your CV a while before you start looking for a new role back home? I'd also be urgently looking for another job in your current area in the hopes you don't have to move at all. Priorities need to be job and roof over your head, situationship with this man and his Mammy is not important right now and neither of them will provide any real help or support.

Do NOT tether yourself to this man - you and your relationship are not and will not be his priority and you are going to end up in even more of a mess than he's already gotten you into. Please listen to the posters who have commented here because they've also fallen for this in the past. You deserve better.

What this person said ⬆️

The fact is if he wants a relationship with you he is going to have to prioritise you above his family. He is enmeshed and reliant on them. You don't want a life living in a country with no support network and toxic in laws. It'll be a lifetime of treading on miserable eggshells.