I got my dream job but…

Ok. Let's try to get straight to the heart of this. Your boyfriend is not prepared to stand up to his domineering family over this issue. He'd rather put you in the awful position of moving to a new country to start a new job, knowing you have no home lined up and will struggle to rent somewhere by yourself. He'd rather see you have to manage all that, than move out of his cushy subsidised place provided by his family. And he's scared to put you first and confront his family over this in case they cut him off altogether.

I think you should see this as having dodged a bullet, frankly. If this is what living in his country and living with the daily glare of his family's disapproval is going to be like, then you are better off staying where you are. Tell your boyfriend the options are as follows:

He moves to be where you are.
He moves out of his family's place and rents somewhere with you.

If he makes excuses about why he can't do either then you have your answer. Walk away.

From what you've said, I don't think you have even the support of one person. I reckon if that you needed your bf in a moment of crisis, said FM would feign illness or something to prevent him from coming to you. He doesn't seem to stand up to them at all.

In the future if you were to have children together, I wonder if said FM would exert influence over this too.

Only you can know if this relationship is one you want to pursue, but if you were to marry him, you would be marrying his family too.

So my feeling is you need to decide if you want to go for your dream job, but if so, do it all alone with only distant support from your own family whilst living in shared accommodation near your new job.

Definitely agree to give it a go in Longford and you can start looking for a job back in Belfast or wherever suits you if you hate it. You’ve already quit your job and you live at home there so you’ve nothing to lose really? As you can go back home if you hate it.

I wouldn't advise any course of action that makes you too reliant on your boyfriend. He does not appear to be prioritising your relationship.

The house shares are a fraction of the prices in Dublin OP. Why don't you try apply for some of them today? And make your decision if you can get a place? I wouldn't continue this relationship though OP, he doesn't have your back. Down the line if your had DC this would be a nightmare.

I think you can do this op. It’s your dream job, don’t let him take that from you. It sounds like your family aren’t miles away.

Have faith in yourself - you got this!

I see what you’re saying @Doughtie but she’s already given up her existing job and has the new one … I’m only suggesting because of the job situation to kind of salvage something. At least then giving up the job wouldn’t be entirely for nothing. It’s a rotten situation for OP … 100% her choice

That was what I thought at first. But the more she writes the more I think no, the move was always mainly about the bloke, not the job.

OP you're the captain of of your soul & all that. The main thing is that you make your choice for yourself, not for him.

I couldn't agree more. Screw him and all his nonsense, do this for you. Push yourself a little to do the thing that seems scary, you've nothing to lose. If it doesn't work out you have a safety net to go back to but I think in 6 months time you'll be pleased you went for it.

The more I read @Rearing2go the more I think give it a go in a house share. Nothing to lose - give it 6 months and if you don’t like it look to buy in the North. Or plan to do that anyway (as your career progresses). You’ve come through some tough things in the last days/weeks/months? I honestly reckon it will be the making of you. You don’t have to try to make friends specifically - it will happen if you join a gym or fitness club, or get to know like-minded colleagues. It doesn’t matter how long it takes and you can visit family regularly. I say go for it, if anyone has the gumption to succeed in adversity you’ve shown it’s you!

If it weren't for history it'd be a move in the same country about 3.5 hours drive away. I get the impression both of you have always lived in small, sheltered communities (did you meet through online dating?) so this might seem A Big Scary Move right now, but when you get a bit older you'll see it was absolutely fine.

You make friends by talking to housemates, joining a sports/hobby club, that kind of thing. But it will be harder if you stay in small insular communities.

Iv googled house shares in Longford and 13 came up on first search.

Get yourself into a house share. Start you dream job amd see where it goes from there. You family are only a couple hours drive away

Congrats on getting your dream job OP.

I think you need to focus on that win and remove yourself from all the drama from BFs life.
It all sounds terribly messy.

Focusing on the job here - is this something you really want? Will you beat yourself up in 5 years time for turning this down?
Are there the same job opportunities North of Belfast for this type of job?

As the job is in Longford, you really have quite a radius of the midlands to search for a room to rent.
With the rental crisis in Ireland, it would be near impossible to rent a place completely on your own & if you did, it would eat up your wage.

And not to be mean but your post made it sound like you were moving across the world for this man. You are going from Northern Ireland to Roscommon 🙈 your family & friends are 2 train rides away / 4 hr car trip. You will still be on the island of Ireland.

Your focus needs to be on what is best for you.
Will this job be a great career move or are you best of staying at home, looking for a new job & getting your own place in NI when you have a new secure role.

Best of luck with what you decide.

Good luck finding a new job.

Long term this might be the best thing the family member could do. Imagine you’d moved in and built a life with him, you’d then be expected to let her control you like she controls your exp.

Sounds like the right decision for you OP.

Best of luck with your job hunting. If he gets argumentative don't get onto the back foot. If he wouldn't consider moving for you then it is completely unreasonable of him to expect you to move for him into a less stable, less financially secure situation. Any lack of commitment he accuses you of is mirrored by his own. Actions are what matters, not words.

Long distance relationships can be very hard on you emotionally. When mine broke up I remember a friend telling me I seemed much happier since I was no longer on a sort of emotional rollercoaster between visits. Missing him, looking forward to seeing him, being sad he'd gone back etc. In hindsight it was exhausting!

OP, you have made the right decision.
He is a manchild under the control of his family.
Impossible to have any real respect for such a weak man.

Ah yes I was just thinking if a bit closer the other way you could take the job for now and commute but not ideal either. I have to rush back to work but just found this, not sure if any use to you. Main Street, Granard, Co. Longford - Property.ie

Is the job in Roscommon then too?

@Rearing2go oh so they do know exactly what they were doing. Controlling in the extreme. I can see why your BF is struggling but it is also on him to summon up strength and make changes (or not).

Since you have to let the employer know soon, depending if there’s a particular person you’ve been dealing with, how would you feel about disclosing some of what’s happened? They might be willing to give you more time. I would, if you were the person I’d chosen for a job. It might just allow you to let the dust settle, or they might be able to help you make it happen, if you decide to try.

Your family will still be able to support you, you won’t be that far away, it just feels like that when you’re in the middle of what is actually an emotional crisis. Talk to everyone, don’t make a reactive decision - always take even just 30 minutes to mull over each point.

I know this isn’t a reason to choose to try the new job, but the family member would be peed off if you make a go of it anyway!

You are honestly doing so well with this!

@Rearing2go so you are already in Ireland then? Where have you been staying if not with the bf? So sorry this has happened to you but if he is not going to prioritise you and your relationship then he is not worth any of this.

OP I think you've done the right thing.
I was in a similar position and moved across the country for a man who was tied to his family and living in one of their properties (on their road).
His family controlled him and I wasted years waiting for him to grow some balls and have my back. He promised me the world, but these men never change.