I got my dream job but…

Rearing2go · 2025-10-28T23:59:17+00:00

As the title says, I got my dream job but house plans have fallen through and now I will be unemployed. Im in a ldr with Bf, he rents off family at a cheaper price. Our plan was I move to his country (few hours away) ready to pack everything up everything is planned. Fm doesn’t want me to move into house with no reasoning just only family renting. House rent is unbelievable dear , I don’t know if I can leave now but I’m unemployed as I’ve quit job and can’t take back. This has put a strain on relationship. Aibu to give up support system and take job and we find a place but struggle (not sit comfortably now) Or should I stay with support system and finally go it alone (houses are cheaper here) but still do ldr which is hard but works

CaroleKing · 02/11/2025 07:22

He might make you "feel safe" @Rearing2go - when absolutely nothing difficult is being asked of him.

But with him are actually the exact opposite of safe.

Imagine for a moment you were in danger. Say for example, danger of becoming suddenly both homeless and jobless, and he was the only one who could step up to stop that happening? If you were safe with him he would protect you wouldn't he?

Would he step in to keep you safe, housed and employed? Or would he not actually keep you safe, but prioritise his own comfort and that of aomeone else.

Hmm, I wonder if in this situation he still make uou "feel safe" ?🤔

I think you may know the answer to this one already 🙁

BrendaSmall · 31/10/2025 18:38

Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 00:28

I can’t afford private rent on my own, and buying a house in bfs country is not possible as the market is so unaffordable.
He has a difficult relationship with family member so is finding it very hard atm , it has almost caused us to break up because I can’t deal with this , being told everything was in place and now family member has decided to be difficult towards me and now I’m in this situation.
Bf is scared of being cut off from family so is trying to tread carefully on how to break news that he will be moving in with me , and I don’t think he’s ready as relationship is already difficult.
We could afford private rent, but only just.
I don’t know where to go from here

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Your relationship is already difficult, so in that situation I would stay put, last thing you need is to be in a different country and be separated from your partner
it doesn’t sound like your partner is keen on you moving in with him

Original poster

Rearing2go · 30/10/2025 22:30

Rosiedayss · 30/10/2025 22:23

Definitely stay up north and move forward.
His toxic family won't change, don't move near them.

I completely agree, and you can’t change anyone just be cautious of them, at least now I can have little to no contact with the dm and let bf carry on having contact with her without me getting involved in anyway, a win win

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Original poster

Rearing2go · 30/10/2025 22:27

Suednymph · 30/10/2025 22:12

You sound very positive, just be glad there are no kids in the mix.

its all I can be atm

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Original poster

Rearing2go · 30/10/2025 22:27

Agapornis · 30/10/2025 22:16

Don't make it a battle re 'I don't want his mum to win'. The 'pick me dance' never ends well - and it's usually with another woman, not with his mother! Make good choices for yourself, not for anyone else.

Go watch some videos about women doing DIY and decorating to their taste!

Edited

I know what your saying, I’m not great with my words but what I mean is , I know what kind of woman she is but she’s never had any say in our relationship until I was to “move in” and her say was, it’s my house she isn’t moving in.
My bf isn’t perfect but he treats me so well, and tbh I’ve never been in good relationships where I’ve felt loved and cared for and safe, that’s why I don’t want to throw away a good thing.
I also know that I want to be completely dependent on myself, I hate asking for anything and help, it’s hard for me to do, and I’m just never out for a free hand out.
and thank you for the tips it would be good to improve my skill set 😊

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Rosiedayss · 30/10/2025 22:23

Definitely stay up north and move forward.
His toxic family won't change, don't move near them.

Agapornis · 30/10/2025 22:16

Don't make it a battle re 'I don't want his mum to win'. The 'pick me dance' never ends well - and it's usually with another woman, not with his mother! Make good choices for yourself, not for anyone else.

Go watch some videos about women doing DIY and decorating to their taste!

Suednymph · 30/10/2025 22:12

You sound very positive, just be glad there are no kids in the mix.

Original poster

Rearing2go · 30/10/2025 21:24

I also think it was a dream job to me if I was moving to Ireland ( they are only in Ireland) but now that I’m not going to give my life up north just for my bf I’m actually ok letting go of it because I will be getting onto property ladder (I’ve been saving for few years because it was always my plan) bf won’t be moving in with me and that’s his choice (I never asked anyway because I’d rather go alone)

Im a lot more cautious regarding our relationship and we have had a long long talk and I’m now sorting things out for me.
We have a good relationship, so I don’t want to throw it away, even though all this is bf’s fault which he has took accountability for, and me staying up north means I can go very very low contact with family.

I know a lot of people thinks I should dump him but I don’t want his dm to win and they have a difficult relationship but she has never been involved in our relationship only now because of her house she rents to bf.

I’ve lost my job I don’t want to lose a good relationship as well, I know I can keep it but be so independent on myself that I need any helping hands

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Original poster

Rearing2go · 30/10/2025 21:14

uodate @Doughtie

I contacted dream job today and asked could start date be pushed back, i knew it would be very unlikely but if you don’t ask you don’t know. It was unlikely but at least I know where I stand, and I’m actually very calm about everything having been able to process everything.

My new plan is , get a job up north, (I didn’t like my previous job, (nhs) but I stayed because I was moving but honestly I’ve wanted out for a while) and work the next few months towards getting what I’ve always wanted, a mortgage , my own home, on my own.

I feel like I was led up the garden path, but sometimes difficult times feel like they are breaking you but I’m putting this down to experience and it will all work out and get me to where I need to be which is very calming. Unfortunately I’ve been through hell over it but honestly it’s made me stronger.

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Doughtie · 30/10/2025 18:15

Thinking of you @Rearing2go. How are you doing? Did you have to make the decision on the job today or have you got a bit more time?

Lifeislove · 29/10/2025 19:24

Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 18:06

This I know, I said to bf there is playing the victim and then there is her playing the victim, and she probably won’t get over it for a year, and how I’m supposed to bend over backwards to do that which I was told, well I would do it for you

Also , it was said that WE bf and me shouldn’t have assumed it was ok for me to ‘just move in’ and so bf is also getting blamed for assumed I could move in.

and this again has only happened a week of moving

Edited

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Aha, it's clear he didn't really tell them what your plans were. He may have told you "Oh, it's all fine , I've sorted it out" and the implication was that there was no issue you moving over.
However, he seems somewhat spineless and could be a procrastinator when it comes to confrontations with this family member. So he just kept kicking the can down the road and then ran out of time. Cumulating in this mess.
This is who he is and you can't change it. When I first read your posts I thought you were both a decade younger than you are.

This is really hard @Rearing2go but he is who he is and please don't think you can change him long term. Heartbreaking for you too.
The ball is in his court now but I advise if you step back don't get dragged back into the to/fro of the LDR again. It's just postponing a similar situation further down the line

Rosiedayss · 29/10/2025 19:10

It sounds extremely deliberate by his mother.

Honestly OP, you have dodged a bullet.

purple590 · 29/10/2025 19:04

OP don't get involved with this pathetic mummies boy, you will never be the priority and he will always resent you if he does move in with you. Don't make the mistake i did, you've had a lucky escape IMO.

LIZS · 29/10/2025 18:44

Seems very risky for you to give up everything and only now discover the issue. Why were you the one doing the upheaval? Is it culturally different, language? Had your bf chosen to overlook the warning signs? He is choosing fm over you , not a great start to a life together. How did you meet and how much time have you really spent together? Perhaps best to realise this before you moved and have a chance to regroup, with or without him.

youalright · 29/10/2025 18:15

Stay put and if he wants to be with you he can move

Ohnobackagain · 29/10/2025 18:11

@Rearing2go ‘very harsh and hurt her’? She’s managed to let you leave a job and jeopardise another because she dropped her little ‘surprise’ so late in the day. I bet ‘she didn’t mean it’ either. Of course she did. And if she didn’t she should be apologising to YOU.

Grrrr. Fuming.

I was sorry for your boyfriend but now I think leave him to it, he deserves her. You don’t deserve either of them.

I’m all in favour of apologising for being rude or hurtful in delivery. But even then you can make that distinction - “I’m sorry I snapped/called you a cow, but I am not sorry for being angry at how you have done x, y, z etc. Not only have you caused a huge inconvenience by back tracking but you’ve allowed this to go on until I’ve GIVEN UP MY JOB, moved my furniture, wasted new employer’s time etc etc do you not take one iota of responsibility for that? Where are your morals?’

Now I’m even more annoyed. Gah!

Peachy2005 · 29/10/2025 18:07

You couldn’t pay me to live in Roscommon or Longford but that’s just me: I’m sure there are lovely parts… Your BF is being ridiculous saying he only wants to stay in Ireland: it’s still the same island!! If he loved you enough, he would do it in a heartbeat (you are prepared to!) and it would be a bonus that it would get him out from under the thumb of his psycho-Mammy. This guy will clearly never put you first and if you move down and have kids with him, they will come under her control too because he has no boundaries with his family, plus it could be difficult to remove them from the jurisdiction if you later wanted to move home without him. Buy yourself a house near your own support network and find someone who isn’t beholden to their Mammy. Or give the job a go with a house-share and re-assess in a few months time. I would still vote to ditch him!

Edited to add: actually he could redeem himself by moving up North to be with you rather than her, if you can sort out jobs up there. No chance I would stay either him unless he starts putting you first pretty damn quick!!

Original poster

Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 18:06

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2025 18:01

The bitch knew what she was doing, she was probably hoping you would blow up as you have so she is the victim, you are the horrible person who verbally attacked her (whilst of course glossing over the provocation), darling son (first born or only son by any chance?) will go to the defence of his Mammy as has been trained into him since birth and you go "fuck this shit" and walk away. She wins.

Except that you also win because you are not saddled to her toxicity anymore.

The only person who loses here is your ex because he knows no better. She guilts him, controls him, manipulates him because no woman should ever replace her in his life. Poor sod will probably never marry or have kids because of her and will end up lonely and alone. Not his fault, as far as he is concerned this is normal. If you can do one thing for your ex its to recommend that he gets therapy to see just how bad this situation is.

This I know, I said to bf there is playing the victim and then there is her playing the victim, and she probably won’t get over it for a year, and how I’m supposed to bend over backwards to do that which I was told, well I would do it for you

Also , it was said that WE bf and me shouldn’t have assumed it was ok for me to ‘just move in’ and so bf is also getting blamed for assumed I could move in.

and this again has only happened a week of moving

OP posts:

Original poster

Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 18:03

Ohnobackagain · 29/10/2025 17:58

I’ll say again - if anything @Rearing2go you only needed to apologise for any rudeness/how you said it, not what you said (although frankly given what you’ve said I think they have a cheek). Everything else might be something they don’t want to be responsible for but how about looking at what his DM (think you said that) did:

waited until you moved all your stuff
waited until you left your job
made you homeless at the latest possible moment
complained that you stood up for yourself at this point

and BF and his bloody DM are still blaming you?

NOPE. Not on you. Tell them to sling their hook then block (once you get your stuff back)

Consider letting them think you’re still taking the job even though I think you’ve decided not to.

Fuming on your behalf.

Edited

Apparently I was very harsh and hurt her

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2025 18:01

The bitch knew what she was doing, she was probably hoping you would blow up as you have so she is the victim, you are the horrible person who verbally attacked her (whilst of course glossing over the provocation), darling son (first born or only son by any chance?) will go to the defence of his Mammy as has been trained into him since birth and you go "fuck this shit" and walk away. She wins.

Except that you also win because you are not saddled to her toxicity anymore.

The only person who loses here is your ex because he knows no better. She guilts him, controls him, manipulates him because no woman should ever replace her in his life. Poor sod will probably never marry or have kids because of her and will end up lonely and alone. Not his fault, as far as he is concerned this is normal. If you can do one thing for your ex its to recommend that he gets therapy to see just how bad this situation is.

Ohnobackagain · 29/10/2025 17:58

I’ll say again - if anything @Rearing2go you only needed to apologise for any rudeness/how you said it, not what you said (although frankly given what you’ve said I think they have a cheek). Everything else might be something they don’t want to be responsible for but how about looking at what his DM (think you said that) did:

waited until you moved all your stuff
waited until you left your job
made you homeless at the latest possible moment
complained that you stood up for yourself at this point

and BF and his bloody DM are still blaming you?

NOPE. Not on you. Tell them to sling their hook then block (once you get your stuff back)

Consider letting them think you’re still taking the job even though I think you’ve decided not to.

Fuming on your behalf.

turkeyboots · 29/10/2025 17:33

I don't associate Longford with a dream anything! Good luck OP. Make good choices.

Bootss · 29/10/2025 17:29

where is your dream job? Why are you unemployed if you landed your dream job? I am not following.
If you do not have a job, I would came back to the UK, stay with family and find work and take it from there.

PracticalPixie · 29/10/2025 17:25

Rearing2go · 29/10/2025 16:36

So bf met with df today to talk about everything because I had said I wanted to end relationship and he started to “show up” but I was still decided on walking away.
after there meeting again It’s been thrown in my face about the messages between me and dm and how I was out of line and how I’ve ruined everything by confronting dm and how I’ve made it so much harder.
this is obviously hurting because I made a mistake in the heat of the moment out of anger and hurt and this is the entire focus on how I’ve fucked up. Held my hands up and apologised (no response) but again bf doesn’t see how the situation is being manipulated. Of course no matter what I say, I’m the worst in the world

Oh my sweet lord, do NOT move to be near him. Run, run for the hills! Find someone nearby without all those weird baggage. There must be many amazing men in belfast. Find one of them. I love Belfast and wouldn't leave that area for this absolute wet wipe of a man