..to have lost my shit at ds14

I have a 14 and 16 year old. 16 year old showers in the morning and after sport but has to be forced to brush teeth at bedtime
14 year old will shower in the morning every day but not after sport and will happily sit in sweaty kit. He's ok a t the teeth brushing.

I think it's ok to lose your shit occasionally. I generally am calm with my boys and don't get angry v often but there have been times when maybe my tolerance has been lower (hi perimenopause!) and I've lost the head.

I think so long as you talk after about why you lost your head it's fine. But also then talk about why you're nagging him to shower.

If it helps, I found that things shifted around 15/16 to be slightly more willing to do these things. Though it first manifested as a frustration when actually needing to leave for school etc that he looked less clean than he wanted.

It took a little longer for his thought process to works its way to I need to shower in time and sometimes he still needs promoting when it’s holidays or unusual times but there isn’t an argument like there used to be.

What we found worked in the meantime was to have a “shower every day at the same time of day” policy. Over time it became a habit. He might grumble but it definitely improved things.

For us it was when he got home from school. Not ideal as first thing in the morning would have been more ideal but like most teenagers mornings aren’t his best time and sometimes you just have to factor that in.

Good luck though, I do remember those battles and its soul destroying at times.

I'm amazed your son hasn't learned to wave his toothbrush under the tap.

Don't ask me how I know about this trick ...

This.

3 boys and if anything we have to tell them to get out of the shower. Lots of friends sons regularly get to the point where they smell really bad. I don't get it.

My DS is 11 and hates washing with soap so he 'washes' his face with cold water and that's it.
It bugs the shit out of me. He's ND so I'm not fighting with him to do it because he has pda/odd and shouting etc does is no good.
Teeth brushing is the same fight pretty much.
I show him pics of acne and bad teeth, occasionally he'll do it without fuss

I think I would have lost my shit, but I suspect there was something frightening/aggressive about your outburst if you made a teenager cry.

I have 15 yr old DS, personal hygiene is fine but, OMG, the "Please can you do...?" "Yeah, okay" - followed by not doing it..for ever. Repeat. Very hard to endure. This can be about anything. Maybe it's about laziness and not liking to be nagged. He needs to decide to do things in his own time, apparently. Which usually doesn't fit with everyone else around him, creating friction. Def a teenage thing, pulling away from parental influence etc. etc.

Well there is your problem. Stop telling him 4 times. Tell him once and if he doesn’t do it set a consequence. He loses his phone until the next day, can’t use his game system.

why the hell are you nagging him. And as for your DH, I’d have words there too.

My DD16 really did go through a Stig of the dump phase. She does still have moments (but she is AuDHD so teeth brushing had to be carefully navigated by finding a toothbrush that didn’t make really loud sounds)

I used to do it as a kid though too when I was 8 or 9. Go and stand in the bathroom and make water splashing noises in the sink instead of actually having a wash.
"Are you having a wash?"
"Yes, mum".

It would have been much easier to actually have a wash 😅I told my mum about it a couple of years ago and we had a good laugh about it. She said she'd done it sometimes when she was little as well, though she had an excuse of no central heating.

You need a router that's compatible with this- check with your Internet service provider. Then mine, at least, works via an app (it's Nokia). It is a bit crap though, and doesn't seem to come with an easy content filter option, which is annoying.

If this is the only time you've lost your shit after 14 years I am amazed. Don't give this future man an unrealistic idea of what life is like living with other people, it won't do him any favours! We need to show how actions of one affect the other or he will be very surprised when his girlfriends find things disgusting, or get cross or angry and not be able to deal with it in a healthy way. It's interesting but women get far angrier with daughters than sons, and I personally think this shows in the end product.

My eldest showered and brushed teeth religiously. The youngest didn’t. The youngest is now an adult with a fairly recent diagnosis of ADHD with probable ASD. Make of that what you will.

How do you turn off the wifi to individual devices please? This could be very useful!

I went through this phase at 12/13, even as a girl and so did DD2. I think it's kind of mild depression in puberty as it just felt such an effort sometimes. It took my friends telling me I smelled of BO to make a difference - mortifying! 😱

I have two boys and this nails it.
Eta it does make you feel shit. But it's for the greater good and just another one of those hard parts of parenting well imo

Can't you just switch his phone off until he does it? If talking hasn't worked?

We’ve all done this over something and I totally understand how badly you feel having made DS cry… but sometimes you have to lose it to make it clear how much it matters. I’ve lost it maybe 3 or 4 times in 20 years. It’s the stuff of legends and my kids happily regale their mates/GFs about each incident so I am teased unmercifully and with some glee - but at the time it really did make them wake up and step up (and cry).

However, they also know I am not a pushover, therefore, and that if I state ‘I am coming close to losing it over this - you need to sort yourself out’ they remember the last time (years ago now) and appreciate that I have marked my line in the sand - in bold and underscored it.

Just give him a hug today, tell him you are sorry you lost it but need him to listen going forward as it really matters, and then move on. (But keep the wine on hand, just in case.)

Oh yes. As a teacher, I keep air freshener in the classroom. Literally Y7 and Y10 onwards will walk in and ask if I've had Y8 or Y9 the lesson before because of the choking testosterone infused body odour.

The weight of 14 years of daily reminders of "dont forget to brush your teeth" and cajoling him into the shower every other day - came crashing down and I lost it.

doing the same thing and having the same results, really sorry but your method isn't working.

you fund another method and it worked

he is scared of you when you shout and does what you say

maybe talk to him about it and whether he would prefer to be responsible for his own hygiene or you scare him daily

🤣🫣 I’m hanging on to the thought that they grow out of it!!

My eldest went through a phase of not showering when he was 14/15. I think most teens show a bit of pushback with SOMEthing and often it’s wanting autonomy over their personal hygiene. He does have ASD so I think it may also have been a sensory issue with him. I am pleased to report that the stinky phase eventually ended and he now showers every day, sometimes twice (and sometimes at midnight and he uses up all the shower gel and stays in there a ridiculous amount of time and leaves the place swimming - so swings and roundabouts😅)

I didn’t get too annoyed with him about it, probably because his brother has contamination OCD and I see the other extreme every day, but there are other things I’ve lost it over once in a while. Like when he constantly missed the bus for school and I had to drive him (no other bus and school is miles away.)

If you shouted at him as a matter of course, you wouldn’t be feeling so bad about it

I’m VERY VERY clam and chilled I honestly think in 20 odd years I’ve lost my shit with mine 3 times and they have cried
it more the fact that they know they pushed it to far too get that reaction and they both apologised because they realised they’d gone too far
where as my wife shouts all the time it’s just noise and had zero impact and gets no reaction

it’s the shock of the out of character reaction

our oldest went through a lazy stage with hygiene just told him he smelt and I was worried about him getting bullied or let out as he was the kid that smelt it worked