..to have lost my shit at ds14

OP, you say in your first post you feel terrible, and you ask if you are being unreasonable to have lost your temper and made him cry, and yet it's evident from the rest of your posts that you don't feel there is anything wrong with what you did at all, and if anybody even slightly criticises you you are in fact quite rebarbative.

I'd feel absolutely horrendous if I made my lovely teenage daughter cry by shouting at her. I think some things are more important to teach than hygiene - and among them are the importance of compassion and self control......

Have you ever asked him why he doesn't like showering, etc? Like a PP, my childhood home was really cold, and I hated taking my clothes off in the bathroom - Once my parents got one of those little heaters in there you couldn't keep me out of there!

Just saying, there could be a reason. Why not talk to him about it. Rather than yelling enough to cause tears, that's horrible.

(I wouldn't be remotely as judgemental if I thought you actually regretted it/blamed yourself in any way. But it's quite clear you think your aggression was totally justified).

Too true, especially after they’ve been asked/told 197 times to do something, and they still haven’t…

Just to add, OP, as I have a 17yo who was/is like this - once he got a girlfriend I not only didn’t have to prompt him, but he also cleaned his bedroom/ensuite regularly!! Does tend to let it slide over half term if he’s not going anywhere for a few days, but I’ve stopped being polite if his long hair is now a day2 greasy mop (shudders).

As they say… this stage passes.

I would lose my shit if I had to remind my teenage DCs to shower / wash & brush theor teeth daily, OP, especially if they then didn't actually bother to act on my reminder.

No, you absolutely did the right thing. I hate showers, the thought of showers, the feel of the initial few seconds of a shower, but I still make myself shower every day.

Out of my 4DCs, my DS was the keenest to get in the shower compared to his three sisters. It can be a phase, but by this age it's a phase he should have already have grown out of imo, so hats off to you, OP! Clearly the softly, softly approach didn't work. You should NOT have to be reminding him daily to not stink.

Good. He needed to understand. It's normal to wash. One skipped day is OK occasionally. 3 is disgusting.

But to be honest, you need to bollock your DH too. He needs a man to man talk with the boy.

My son is like this but has AuDHD so things like getting in the shower can feel overwhelming for him. He’s nearly 15 but it’s a daily battle with teeth brushing and showering. His skin is suffering because he doesn’t clean his face properly. Like you OP, it’s constant “have you brushed your teeth” or “please get in the shower”. I am happy if he showers every other day. It’s exhausting. I like to think a time will come when he can manage without prompting but I have no idea when that will be. It’s really difficult. I couldn’t keep my eldest out of the shower, quite glad she pays her own bills now!

A few years ago my DDs boyfriend stayed for 5 days. He didn't shower, wash, clean his teeth despite me dropping massive hints. He just sprayed deodorant on. I don't think he even changed his clothes. It was vile and he smelled. I was so glad when he left.
You were totally reasonable to loose your shit with him and hopefully now he might actually start showering without prompting

Leave him to it. He will soon learn when someone says he smells.

My almost 14yo ds has to be encouraged a bit. We are both very blunt. Have a shower you stink. No words minced here..
Op I’m also in the calm until shit loss camp. I think it works better than the white noise of always losing it. Also made my ds cry after losing my shit with him after getting a phone call from a lovely youth worker to say he’d been misbehaving there.

@Brendathebear Do his dad hasn’t got to grips with this either? Why? What’s his tipping point?

I’ve lost my shit and my DD has ended up crying but likewise it’s a similar scenario where the endless reminders fall on deaf ears.

We are parents , not saints and provided you aren’t doing it daily…..

OP, I don’t know why you feel guilty. You made him cry? So what?

He's deliberately disobeyed both parents about something fundamental to his life. Nope, you did him a favour by going a tiny bit nuclear.

Stop feeling guilty and use this episode to get your son to start looking after himself better.

I’d sit him down now and ask why he repeatedly refuses to do this most basic of tasks. Do not apologise for him crying but ask why it took you shouting at him to make him respond.

Hopefully things have begun to fall into place and he can get into a good routine with showering now.

It's not just boys. My daughters were also soap dodgers when younger. They have grown up to be fragrant, hygienic women.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. Nagging was pointless because it didn't work. Maybe losing your shit will have! But if not - have you tried sanctions, consistently enforced? So not showering or tooth brushing has measurable consequences?

It’s fine op. Sometimes you need to get that point before change happens. Its not nice for either of you.
Does your ds go to the dentist regularly? That’s enough to keep my dc in check about brushing teeth.
As for showering, I have in the past made a lighthearted comment about “wow you must have been really active because you need a shower!”
As teens, they’re really particular about showering regularly and smelling nice.
For both teeth and showering, I’ve explained to them since they were young about the importance of good hygiene and maybe scared them a bit about what happens if they don’t keep it up. Nit intentionally but rotting painful teeth and germs and bacteria thriving in your skin is probably a bit unnerving.

No it wasn't horrible. It was fully deserved after repeated requests and reminders were ignored and it had been a long time coming.

OP, it's fine to lose your shit occasionally. It reinforces that there are boundaries that need to be respected. Also, cleanliness and hygiene (oral and other) are very important. We read quite often on here about men with poor hygiene standards and the effects on their partners, so maybe you have just done a potential future DIL a huge favour, as well as your DS himself.

I have a 14yo DS. You need to change the shower to daily, at the same time of day, for any hope of a routine setting in. Bedtime in this house.
Strict routine is crucial. He goes straight from shower to teeth brushing.
Electric tooth brush also essential for lazy arses.
My current battle is teeth brushing on weekend/holiday mornings. The lack of school morning routine affects this.
Antiperspirant is still a no go. Thankfully he doesn't smell.
See also nail care - this is a sensory issue for DS. I've tried hard to explain that doing it himself would very likely reduce the issue, but he's stuck in avoidance currently.
I'm going to introduce Sunday night nail check as strict routine.

If you say to him something along the lines 'your friends/potential girlfriends will find your BO disgusting' - he will live in the shower after that.

You have to wonder…. Were they tears of shock/embarrassment? …consider that a positive.
If you find showering and brushing isn’t prompted today - job done💪🏻

If it is… a “do we have to have a repeat of yesterday or are you going to adult today?” might work 😏

Hmm. It doesn't sound too bad then, but all that sounds like stuff you might have all said before it got to this point! How do you usually address it unless it's exactly like that? Or was it a change in tone that was shocking to him?

So is ignoring your mother, and smelling.

@Brendathebear You have probably been too chilled! How have you put up with this for so long. I’d have had this loud conversation moons ago. Does no one show him adverts of groomed men? Has he got nice shower products? Let’s be honest, he’s a slob and like many mums of boys, bad behaviour has not been called out in any meaningful way. Get a grip. The rest of us need you to do that. Days of defiance ends in crying. So what? Good - he needs a shock or two. Would he prefer to be shunned at school?

Also was he on his own at 14? Who else is part of this parenting saga? What are they doing?

Mine grew out of it around 15/16. They both now shower everyday and brush their teeth.

I just kept buying deodorant. Asked if their friends had not said anything because I could smell them (I could not but they don't know that). Gave them mints because I could smell they hadn't brushed (I couldn't). They got it eventually.

Feel a bit sorry you made him cry, is he a sensitive child?

Sympathy for you. No teenagers here but I was a light soap-dodger (mainly hated washing my hair) and my brother had to be forced at gun point to wash. My sister washed but her room was absolutely vile. We both grew out of it. Certainly had a few bollockings for it, so I don't know if the shouting will work long term. Maybe in the cooling off period after the shouting you could say to him 'I really didn't like losing my temper with you but I really want you to be clean because I care about you' etc. Who knows - some teens are gross!