..to have lost my shit at ds14

Me too, Im embarrassed to say. I was very overweight as a teen and just hated my body. Bathing and showering meant I had to see my body so it was easier to avoid it. I cringe now to think of it .

OP, could it be something like this? I dont mean is he overweight but maybe he has some hang ups about his appearance ?

Just gently OP, I could be a bit like this at that age. I found my changing body quite gross and overwhelming. I would brush my teeth but kept my eyes closed so that I didn't have to look in the mirror because I hated looking at myself.
I grew out of it, but I definitely skipped several showers and things while I was working through it. My mum didn't really notice (I was the eldest and she had her hands full) but what I would have found useful would have been being able to brush my teeth in the kitchen (no mirror) and maybe being encouraged to do sort of daily strip washes (flannel for key areas) every day and a full shower/bath at least twice a week. Not perfect and not enough really, but it might have helped nudge me through the mortification of it all a bit quicker.
Sending love to you and your son OP ❤️

Teenage boys do stink more quickly though ( 3 briothers and a son)

And why should the rest of the family put up with the smell.

If it was an adult hou wouldn't need to shout as just turf them out of the house - which you can't do with your teens.

BTW how many teens have reduced adults to tears. My dd did on more than one occasion

Mine weren’t like this but I am very vocal if they haven’t showered/have bad breath eg - urgh your breath stinks, it’s disgusting! Ewww you smell etc. I also point out that if I can smell it other people can too and it’s not nice being around someone like that!

not really sure how you’ve arrived that other than trying to put the blame on the man

in OP post she states he does

I did that. He loved his pink teeth 🥴

The thing is, teenage boys stink. There is nothing worse than the heady mix of extra strong puberty sweat and Lynx. They need a daily shower. I have to disinfect my son’s clothes in the wash. It’s grim.

DH needs to do some parenting.

I periodically threaten those tablets that show up plaque.....

It will do your DS good to see you angry.
Maybe it will make him realise that he needs to step up and actually sort his own life out rather than being nagged all the time.
You have done his future partner/spouse a favour.
Ignore all the posters telling you off for shouting.

Is there any reason for it?

With DS it was often issues round organisation - so routine and visual prompts for years before age 14 all sort of helped - girls it was often sensory issues.

He actually got better by 14 - it's DD2 who got worse and now few years later bit better.

honestly, grovelling and gaining back his trust. FGS!

I know. It's embarrassing how low parents go isn't it. I haven't deeply read all the OP's posts - did she say this or was it another poster who said about gaining back his trust?

Either way - 😂😂😂

letting the tail wag the dog never works

I do agree that people don’t have to fully shower every day - but this DS seems to have left it about four days - probably is a bit long especially for a teen!

well he should bloody shower then! Not washing is an issue that needs addressing, and if your parents ask you to do a reasonable action you bloody well do it!
honestly, grovelling and gaining back his trust. FGS!

Teenage boys smell, at least mine do. Maybe there are some that don’t, but it’s fairly standard to shower at least once (twice if they have been playing sport) a day in my house.

I think you're doing fine OP. Not read the full thread, just the first page or so and your replies. My kids are younger but the sense of what worked for the older not working for the younger is familiar. The only thing that's missing for me is does your ds think there's a problem and what does he make of it? Yes he's 14 but in a few years he'll be doing it for himself so it will be entirely up to him and down to him. You could see if you can understand his teen logic (or lack of it) which would free you from the nagging and help him figure out for the future what his way of doing things will be.

This reminds me a bit of my DS11 who does have ADHD. Now I’m not saying your DS does but just for context.

It’s absolutely maddening to have to ask kids millions of times to do something, and just to get the fob off “yeah I will” / “just five mins” in reply. The kicking it into the long grass. When you just want the thing done! And then you have to ask again, and again.

Now with ADHD kids they say you mustn’t shout at them, but with a 14 yo (whether NT or ND) it isn’t surprising that you did eventually.

My DS absolutely loves a bath though - would yours prefer this to showers? I think because the temperature shock isn’t as much.

Making him cry over it is horrible though

But she didnt make him cry.

His behaviour made him cry. If he didnt lie and ignore his mother's polite, reasonable requests, then she wouldnt have to shout to make him listen.

Play stupid games, get stupid prizes.

He has earned the "shouty/ fed up of being nice" mum prize

I sympathise op. It’s infuriating having to repeatedly ask someone to do something as simple as washing themselves. My two are generally ok about washing, but they drive me insane with other stuff. Wet towels and clothes on the bathroom floor, cups left in bedrooms etc. it’s always ‘in a minute’ or ‘I’ll do it later’. No, I want it done now so I dont have to keep it in my head and remind you! I’m not surprised you lost it op. Perhaps he’ll take the initiative to wash with no reminders from you in the future.

Exactly.
An occasional bollocking does them no harm.

Yes, the secret is to "lose your shit" at them when they lie about washing and ignore your requests to wash.

As you have found out.

Could it be a sensory thing? Some people find the transition between being dry / wet, or changing temperature between getting undressed / getting wet / getting back out of the shower and getting dried tricky if there’s any sensory issues going on.
similarly with toothbrushing - is there something about the toothpaste maybe? E.g. it is too minty / its texture too foamy?

I have the same issue with DS 16. Constantly nagging to shower and brush teeth. I take him to the dentist regularly and he had to have a small filling, that improved things for a while but he seems to have forgotten. He is ASD but I absolutely do not want him to turn into one of those smelly men people avoid on the bus 🙁
His siblings have much better hygiene standards.
Don’t feel bad for shouting, we are not perfect. You have explained that you rarely shout and you sound like a good caring mum.
You can explain to him you got so upset because you are concerned for his health and you don’t want him to get bullied for smelling.

Why do people think you need to shower every single day to not smell? It's a pretty recent phenomena IMO and it amazes me that people think they stink so much. And if he is a bit sweaty why not just get him to wash his pits before he gets dressed? Washing everyday especially if your water is hard is really drying for your skin, it's just not necessary.

Brushing teeth is different though, that is necessary if you don't want rotten teeth. But don't have him doing them after he's eaten as he'll just be taking the enamel off his teeth and making them worse not better.

Making him cry over it is horrible though - would you think it was acceptable to make an adult cry over something like this? If he was fat and ate too much would you think it was ok to make him cry over that? Horrible parenting.