I am so sick of this abuse. Where and when does it end?

Speak to these people about getting a non molestation order. You don’t have to pay anything for it (or you could apply yourself through the government website)

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/

it is not your fault.
nothing you could possibly have done justifies his behaviour.
you do not deserve this, and neither does your son (or any other children you already have)

it will be much easier to deal with this if you can stay away from this man and not let him into your flat, and easier to do that if he doesn't even know where your flat is! so it is worth:
(a) getting support & advice from Women's Aid, or similar;
(b) reporting what's been happening, so it's on record, officially;
(c) speaking to your housing officer about being transferred to different temporary accommodation;
(d) keeping that new address secret so he can't come and hassle you there;
(e) telling your family - brother, dad, whoever - the truth: that this man is a real danger to you & your precious son, and you have taken these steps to keep your family safe, and making sure that they understand/ will back you up - if they won't, you may need to stay away from them for a while too
(f) reminding yourself that it is not your fault/ you do not deserve this regularly.

It will get better!

He is abusing you. That's one thing.
The more important thing is - you are allowing your child to suffer. You.
You need to keep your child away from this man so they can't witness and be affected by it. Because it is affecting them.

But it's not a different story unfortunately... Him shouting at you has the same effect on your child as him shouting at the baby directly. The baby could not tell the difference, but certainly could identify that aggression and danger were near. Somehow, you have accepted that it's ok for you to be abused as a 'bad woman'. It isn't. Abusing you = abusing your child. And abusing you is NOT ok for whatever reason. You are worthy of better. Accept this and get angry. That pathetic POS is scared of you seeing it.

It ends when you make it end, OP. It won’t stop on its own. Follow advice from a domestic violence service on how to escape.

I feel for you OP, as I've been there and done that.

You living in temporary accommodation is actually your blessing in disguise and use it as the "get out of jail free card" that it is.

I would go back to the council and explain to their homeless duty team that you need to be moved somewhere else. It could be hard as they often need a paper trail i.e. police reports etc. It's unclear if you've reported any of this.

If you don't have any paperwork. You should file a non molestation order and try to get that served on him. In the meantime you should contact women's services who can support you with this and help to fight to get you moved somewhere safer.

It's pointless remaining in this temporary accommodation flat and dealing with abuse, until your properly housed. The other option is to move in to a refuge, as either way you're still waiting to be housed. But at least with the latter, you'll be safe and finally gain some peace and mental clarity to just breath and focus upon your life.

A PP was a bit harsh in stating and I'm paraphrasing that you're wrong to bring your baby back around an abusive "man." But I agree. Sometimes we can't do it for ourselves, but as mothers our driving forces are often our children.

Children are forced to live whatever lives their parents choose. They have no choice- until there is an intervention (if lucky). This is not a criticism, it's reality and something to be mindful of. It can impact upon your future relationships with your children. It did for a while with my eldest.

You all deserve to live peaceful lives and initially it will be hard. But once through that tunnel, there's such a better life to live- free from him and most importantly free from abuse.

2 years from now- you could be living free, peaceful with a new home and laughing at how far you've come or you could be sitting in an office debating with social services, or filing the 12,345 police report- looking haggard and stressed out trying to argue why they need to now take your reports seriously. Choose your struggle and choose it wisely.

Find your fire that you once had and use that to fuel your strength, to pick yourself back up and fight for your lives.

OP I left 16 years ago. Here is my advice. Never go back, your DC does not need to be taught that abusive relationships are normal.

Look up grey rock. This is a technique for dealing with abusive men especially if you have to deal with them about DC access.

I assume he is on the birth certificate so when you can you need to get a CAO in place for child arrangements if he still wants access and he is trying to control you with that.

Lastly, please focus on your career/job is you are working or intend to go back to work. It’s super important you are as financially independent as possible.

This man will only ever get worse. And nothing you do or can do has any effect because it’s HIM manufacturing the anger to abuse you.

My son turned yellow with fear when his dad shouted at me.

That was enough for me to make the decision to leave the relationship

I know I’m not you, and he actually left (went back to where we had been living abroad as a “punishment “ for me not being “well behaved”) but you have a place to stay, so stay there.

Can you talk to your housing officer and get to a new temporary accommodation and not tell your ex?

he needs to be an ex. Obviously.

my ds was 5 when I split up with his dad. He’s 19 now and our lives are almost fairytale like. Both of us in great relationships with an incredible lifestyle

you could have his too, but never if you stay with that man. He may not kill you, but he can make your life so miserable that it’s as good as done.

get out and stay out. Use mumsnet to help you stick with it. There are (sadly) many people who have been through this experience and come out the other side. They helped me immensely when I needed it, they will help you too.

keep fighting for the help you need from the da organisations.

and stop listening to him, you know he’s full of shit.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT

Have you read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft? Please Google it, there are free pdf versions and you can get the paperback from a bookshop or the library

you need to read it.

you can do this. Do it for your future self, do it for your child, do it for his future.

Hi OP

I could have written your post 20 years ago.

You’re right, it’s not easy to leave. That’s why I stayed with an abusive, narcissistic bully for 5 years. I kept telling myself it’d get better and he’d realise how much he loved me and our DD….but it didn’t get better, it got worse. He controlled every single aspect of my life. I worked full time (he never worked) but I didn’t even have money to get my hair cut….yet he had new games consoles, football boots, expensive trainers etc.

Reach out to domestic abuse charities, family, friends…anyone. Don’t let pride get in your way. You WILL find the strength to do it, for your children.

I’m so happy now, the freedom I have with my DH and our family is the best feeling in the world. Not treading on eggshells all the time, scared of the next fall out. It’s worth it a million times over to give yourself and your DC a peaceful, safe life. Good luck 🤗

You're failing your son OP. Call a domestic abuse charity today and start the ball rolling. Yes, you will lose the house but you'll gain a home, where you and your dc can feel safe and have your possessions.

I spoke to a solicitor a while back and she said how courts see this as “well if the parent who isn’t being abused isn’t at the property then it wouldn’t happen” which i think is outrageous. By the way, she was on my side and still said this!!

I may be wrong but doesn't that just mean if you keep him away from home, your child (and you) then he won't be able to abuse you further?

You must take action by not seeing him. Tell him he is not to come to your home and if he does then call the Police. Do not go to his home.

It doesn't matter what he says to anyone else - if they believe him then they are not allies of yours so fuck them.

Sorry OP, but your response to my last post is still rather confusing. Are you at your own flat, right at this minute? If so, stay there, block him, and don't answer the door. If he turns up, tell him you don't want to see him, and if he doesn't leave, you will call the police, if he doesn't go, then DO IT, and tell the police that you are frightened for your life.

Just because you've been given a flat to live in, it doesn't mean that you can't go anywhere else. He's just saying that to frighten you. If he does manage to get anyone to listen to his shit, and you are questioned about it, (which I very much doubt) tell whoever asks that he's been blackmailing you into going back to him, by threatening that he will lose you your accommodation.

Read my next sentence out loud - He is a BLACK MAILING, ABUSIVE, ARSEHOLE, AND I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE! Read the sentence again - He is a BLACK MAILING, ABUSIVE, ARSEHOLE, AND I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE!

If you have paper and pen, write it in large letters and stick it on the back of your door, so that you read it when you go to answer the door, and it will remind you that YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE HIM IN YOUR LIFE!!

If he turns up DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR!

If you need this sentiment drumming into you, write it again and again, and pin messages all over the flat, you could even write it in lipstick on your bathroom mirror, or pretend that you're back at school, and write 100 lines saying He is a BLACK MAILING, ABUSIVE, ARSEHOLE, AND I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE!

You MUST stop listening to this man OP, he is full of his own importance, but ONLY YOU can let him bully you into doing what he wants you to do, and ONLY YOU, can put an end to this awful relationship once and for all.

DO IT FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!

You didn't answer the question I asked previously about what is it that you think he can he do to to cause you trouble with your family?

No there isn't.
You are being abused and gaslighted.
Your battery is low and your self esteem is low.
You will get out of this
Reach out for support and advice
Sending you strength

Have you heard of Claire’s Law?

If he’s like this with you, he may have previous. The subject of a Clare’s law enquiry will NOT find out anyone has asked police about them.

Whi cares what he say? So what if he makes it all your fault. If he's so unhappy that he's screaming and shouting all the time then it's best that he finds someone who he's happier with. It doesn't matter if he makes you the bad gut. It doesn't matter if he doesn't acknowledge his wrong doing. It doesn't matter if he doesn't take responsibility. They very seldom do. All that matters is that he doesnt have access to you.

Get a parenting app like my family wizard and only communicate with him via that. Have clear boundaries that all contact with him will be about your joint child. You discuss contact, child arrangements, maintenance, sickness, big decisions like schooling ect. Don't engage about anything else outside of your child. Ignore all other communication.

I don't know understand what this means. Why can't you stay in your flat? refuse to go back to ex's home?

Ho back to your home and stay there. I really don’t think you can be in trouble for having stayed at his.
Can you find the strength to speak to the police so they can help you feel safe in your home? They can help with security and if you feel you need a restraining order.
You need a safe place for you and your children. It’s not easy but you can dig deep and do this, for them as well as you. Good luck 🌷

Look, this is all just smoke and mirrors from him and you need to get yourself to a space where you can see that. See it for what it is … smoke and mirrors

it’s coercive control. It’s abuse. It damages your children and when they grow and have their own kids - the abuse cycle continues to another generation. And on it goes.

kindly, it doesn’t really matter what you feel or think. You need to find it within yourself to put your children first. No matter who does or says what to whom and no matter how he tries to muddy the waters by blaming and threatening you - it doesn’t matter. What matters are your decisive actions.

you have a place to stay? Stay there

block his number. Block him on social media. Block every avenue you can think of to get to you

buy a cheap second phone and set up an email address. Give it to him - that’s his. Give him the new number. Tell him you will only ever respond via email or text and only ever to do with your child. This creates an electronic trail that shows you are working to protect your children. Turn the phone on once a day for five mins , read through anything, respond if need be and then turn off again.

engage with all relevant agencies. Tell them what he’s doing. Create the narrative. Show them you are only about protecting your children

you have to do this because to keep taking this fucking twat back knowing full well what he does to you and your kids is to be complicit in his behaviour.

and you don’t want that do you?

it’ll take a lot of courage but you’re a mum and you’re going to do the right thing by your children

tell yourself that and just … do it. Easy for me to type but crucial for you to do

dont be that woman who has to have an abuser in their life regardless of what it does to their young children.

It really makes zero difference to a tiny baby whether the abusive scum father was shouting AT him or NEAR him. Zero difference. and it should make zero difference to you.
What if shards of the broken plates had landed on your baby?

The thing is your child is more likely to blame you for staying and subjecting them to this abuse. Because you knew it was abuse.

Its not easy to leave. It can take a fair amount of tries. I think it took me 7 or 8 to leave my abusive ex. He'd love bomb me, kick off and hurt me, cry and beg forgiveness and then love bomb me again. It's a cycle. But it's one you need to break. If not for yourself then for your kids. The thing is kids who witness this are more likely to become either victims or perpatrators of DV. They are learning what is and isn't acceptable and what relationships are from you both. You need to stat strong and stay the fuck away from him. You deserve better and so do your children.