Page 2 | I am so sick of this abuse. Where and when does it end?

NeedingASafeSpace · 2025-10-28T19:26:24+00:00

I’ve been with my ex for around 5 years. I met him not long after I had a child. He was so charming at first and shown the perfect dad role model. I loved it and him. He stepped up and was the “perfect man” or so he made me believe. Quickly changed and the games began we were on and off. I should have left there and then but the manipulation and games he played to get me back were something else. I was stupid and fell for it every time. We split for 5 months once then got back together I fell pregnant and voiced my concerns about the pregnancy. He told me if I had an abortion he would tell everyone I am murderer. Thankfully I have now had my son and I wouldn’t change him. But I would change his dad. Me and his dad split for 8 months when he was a baby (3 months) because he scared him by shouting at him, smashed plates that landed near him and enough was enough. 8 months passed and emotions calmed. My son grew and him and his dad became close. He invited me out with them both and I did. And this is where it began, again. he’s got worse this time. He screams in my face and he told me he was glad that he scares me when I pleaded with him to stop shouting at me when my son was in the house. He withholds mine and my kids belongings and he will not give them back. I am sick of this “man” doing as he pleases , scaring my children and me and THEN tells me if I don’t get back with him and stop “causing shit” (breaking up with him) he is going to make me loose my home, going to cause trouble with my family - the lot! I am so sick of this. Please no one tell me this is easy to leave if it was no one would be in this situation. Enough is enough how do I break free?

Gingernaut · 25/11/2025 19:15

Call the police

Get you dad to show them the messages

Show them your messages

Unless the have some record of what's happening, they cannot help you

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 25/11/2025 19:05

whimbrelcalling · 25/11/2025 19:02

You are complicit in his abuse of your child if you go back. Do better.

”do better” how much better can I do than leave?

OP posts:

whimbrelcalling · 25/11/2025 19:02

You are complicit in his abuse of your child if you go back. Do better.

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 25/11/2025 18:52

Givenupshopping · 24/11/2025 23:54

OP, you say that he 'harassed my dad about contact with our son so I had to unblock to arrange contact before it worsens for my dad.' Why didn't your Dad just tell him to piss off? As I said to you before, unless contact is ordered by a Court, you don't have to give him access to your child. It doesn't matter what he says or to who, you MUST make yourself ignore it. If his name comes up when with your family, just tell them you want nothing more to do with him, you don't want to talk about him, and please change the subject. If he genuinely wants to spend time with your joint child, then let him take you to Court, but I bet he won't because he's not interested in your child for his own sake, he just wants to use him to manipulate YOU!!

You've let him pull you back in, yet again, ask yourself why?

Then come back and tell us why you think you did it, rather than just ignoring him.

If he's bothering your Dad, and your Dad wants it to stop, then I'm sure he's perfectly capable of telling him so. If he visits your family, it's up to them whether they choose to let him in. If he calls your family, it's up to them whether they choose to speak to him, but none of that is YOUR problem. Tell them that you want nothing more to do with him, you don't want to hear about him, and it's up to them whether they want any contact with him, but if they do, YOU don't want to hear about it.

You say that you've blocked him again, so is he currently in touch with the rest of your family? You seem to only tell us part of the story, but if you REALLY want out of this relationship, then don't drift away from MN, we can really help to support you, but you've really got to WANT to get away, and stay away from him, otherwise you're not moving on, you're just prolonging the agony, and not just for yourself, but for your joint child too!

heyyy thank you for your message. I don’t give the full story because thinking of it really exhausts me. I’ll give you the quick version of what I’m dealing with.
my son‘s dad is a really abusive person. He’s a bully. He is over 6 foot and he is built like the Hulk everybody around the area is absolutely terrified of him because he absolutely does and will use violence aggression and physical violence with any given things that he can if he doesn’t agree with anything if anybody does challenge him he will threaten further violence towards them which intimidate them and makes them rather just forget the situation. I am currently living in a flat with my two children. This is our only safe Haven while we are waiting permanent housing. I’m in temporary accommodation and therefore I shouldn’t have been staying out however in the past I did as I admitted on this post he says if I try to take the Mick with him and my son which basically means if I tell him when he can and can’t see our son then he will report me to the council and have me kicked out of here and me and my children living back at my mother‘s house. I don’t doubt for one moment that this is true he would absolutely do this. He hounded my father with messages messages that our father wouldn’t want to see about his daughter. My dad has tried to ignore him and he just absolutely blows his phone up with messages. My dad will not ring the police and he’s told him to sling it before but he worsens with that . He’s called me every name under the Sun to my dad obviously my dad defended me but what does that matter. Calling the police isn’t an option for me because he has told me the repercussions if I was to do that of course I don’t want him around my son because of the screaming towards me but when I have spoke to professionals in the past they told me if they went to court they would see the situation as if I wasn’t in the house, then he wouldn’t be shouting and therefore my son wouldn’t witness this aggression my father very much see this as he has not hurt my son and therefore he has a right to see my son. Yes on paper you’re probably wondering why would you go near somebody like this and to be honest with you at this point I will definitely agree however the wool was definitely pulled out of my eyes and I was so wrapped up in the abuse I didn’t have time to think about consequences of actions when I fell pregnant not much anyway I was very much had my mind warped and he controlled every aspect of every choice that I made whilst I was in that relationship but anyway that’s getting off topic. I really don’t know what to do in this situation and it might be so clear for you to see what I should do because you are not involved in anyway, but at this moment in time I am still very much emotionally scared of this man. He has the tools to ruin my life in terms of ruined relationships with my family members. He has the tools to get me kicked out of the flat that I am living into support my children he knows where I work so he could definitely get me sacked if he wanted to start ringing in about me etc all of this is not thinking too much into it and I am not overreacting this is the type of man he is there is no two ways about it. He gets off on controlling manipulating and abusing me and he would not stop when we are over.

OP posts:

Givenupshopping · 24/11/2025 23:54

OP, you say that he 'harassed my dad about contact with our son so I had to unblock to arrange contact before it worsens for my dad.' Why didn't your Dad just tell him to piss off? As I said to you before, unless contact is ordered by a Court, you don't have to give him access to your child. It doesn't matter what he says or to who, you MUST make yourself ignore it. If his name comes up when with your family, just tell them you want nothing more to do with him, you don't want to talk about him, and please change the subject. If he genuinely wants to spend time with your joint child, then let him take you to Court, but I bet he won't because he's not interested in your child for his own sake, he just wants to use him to manipulate YOU!!

You've let him pull you back in, yet again, ask yourself why?

Then come back and tell us why you think you did it, rather than just ignoring him.

If he's bothering your Dad, and your Dad wants it to stop, then I'm sure he's perfectly capable of telling him so. If he visits your family, it's up to them whether they choose to let him in. If he calls your family, it's up to them whether they choose to speak to him, but none of that is YOUR problem. Tell them that you want nothing more to do with him, you don't want to hear about him, and it's up to them whether they want any contact with him, but if they do, YOU don't want to hear about it.

You say that you've blocked him again, so is he currently in touch with the rest of your family? You seem to only tell us part of the story, but if you REALLY want out of this relationship, then don't drift away from MN, we can really help to support you, but you've really got to WANT to get away, and stay away from him, otherwise you're not moving on, you're just prolonging the agony, and not just for yourself, but for your joint child too!

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 24/11/2025 21:21

Allmychickenscometoroost · 31/10/2025 20:31

@NeedingASafeSpace how are you doing? Please stay strong for your children's sake. Hang in there

Hi sorry I drifted from MN I come and go off here. Thanks for checking in. I’m out of sorts. He harassed my dad bout contact with our son so I had to unblock to arrange contact before it worsens for my dad. He proceeded to tell me how he’s had all these sexual relations with woman and how ones on her way round right now bla bla bla. Ofc I blocked him agin. It’s thrown me back. Not because I love him I absolutely don’t but because I feel will I ever stop being bullied by this wanker

OP posts:

RollyPollyBatFace · 01/11/2025 20:40

When thoughts creep into your head such as ‘ was it my fault?’ , immediately follow it up with ‘well so what if it WAS my fault?!!! Let’s pretend this is all you, he’s an angel and you’re bloody awful.

so what? What changes? Absolutely nothing. You still can’t be together as it damages your children and you are not a woman who stands by and lets her children be damaged.

keep him blocked. Don’t weaken. Because no good will come of that

Allmychickenscometoroost · 31/10/2025 20:31

@NeedingASafeSpace how are you doing? Please stay strong for your children's sake. Hang in there

MzHz · 30/10/2025 22:12

So proud of you. Stay strong, stay safe, stay out of this relationship

I PROMISE you things will get better in time. We’re ALL here for you.

MzHz · 30/10/2025 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Link removed due to copyright concerns.

Wrenjay · 30/10/2025 21:03

Your DC will learn this is acceptable in a relationship and your DS will copy this in his relationships and will treat you like this as well.

Get Strong, Keep Strong. Leave.

RosaMundi27 · 30/10/2025 16:36

Dear OP,

I'm delighted to read that you're getting away from that absolute shit of a man. It will be hard, especially if he has contact with people who will put pressure on you. Every day when you wake up in your safe flat with your lovely children, take a few minutes to really feel what it's like to have some peace. It's clear that you're a really caring mother and trying to do the best for your children. If you weaken, remember that you have to do it for them, even if you can't for yourself.

Get in touch, and stay in touch, with groups who help women in your situation. Nothing is going to be fixed overnight but take it day by day and never lose sight of what you're aiming for.
You and your children deserve so much better.

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 29/10/2025 17:51

Redruby2020 · 29/10/2025 12:36

It’s still DA towards you, and towards your child because the child is there, so whether it is directly or indirectly, that’s how it’s taken by the authorities I’m afraid.
But you don’t need them to tell you right from wrong because you know yourself.

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You’re right I do know. Time to grow up

OP posts:

Redruby2020 · 29/10/2025 12:36

NeedingASafeSpace · 28/10/2025 20:21

EDIT sorry. I just re-read this bit he didn’t shout at him he scared him by shouting at me is what I meant to type. If he shouted at my child that’s a different story

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It’s still DA towards you, and towards your child because the child is there, so whether it is directly or indirectly, that’s how it’s taken by the authorities I’m afraid.
But you don’t need them to tell you right from wrong because you know yourself.

Redruby2020 · 29/10/2025 12:35

NeedingASafeSpace · 28/10/2025 20:17

I need to read this every single day. The fact when I tell him this is DV he tells me that it isn’t and it isn’t because it’s what I do and have done to make him feel that way. If I behave different it wouldn’t happen. I know this sounds stupid to believe and honestly even I don’t know how I believe him when he says it.

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You don’t need to discuss with him what it is or isn’t, he will never agree with you, and even if he does, he will still turn it on you like he already has.

Redruby2020 · 29/10/2025 12:33

NeedingASafeSpace · 28/10/2025 20:12

I’m currently living in temporary accommodation. It’s a flat. He has made it that if I stay here he doesn’t trust me and so he goes in a mood if I stay here. So I have been staying at his for around 3 weeks. He said he would report me to the council if I “cause trouble for him” (leave) so that’s why I would loose my place

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You need to go back to where you have been provided accommodation.
I’m assuming you got it because of your situation, and although the council will have to be helpful if they learnt you are staying with him, and not where you have been given. They could possibly kick you out. I’m not saying that with solid knowledge.
But there are so many people in your situation and so many in general needing housing, I feel they could take that view.

You need to speak to DA advisor and tell them what he is doing.

Gettingbysomehow · 29/10/2025 12:31

Why do you keep going back, now he thinks you'll never leave and he can treat you however he wants.
I left my violent ex and never went back. Yes you can leave and this time never go back, a leopard never changes it's spots.
Next thing he will be turning your DS against you.
Contact Womens Aid and never go back again.

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 29/10/2025 12:24

Givenupshopping · 29/10/2025 12:10

I'm glad to hear that the responses that you've had have helped you to see how important it is for you to end this relationship, and have absolutely NO further contact with your abuser.

As far as him seeing your child, thankfully I've not been through this, as when my ex and I went our separate ways, it was amicable, but in your shoes, I'd be tempted to say that he doesn't get any access to his child until there is a Court Order in place. I'm assuming to get a Court Order allowing him access, will mean that he needs to really WANT to see his child, even if it is only to punish you, but it will also mean that it costs him money, which again, he may not be willing to spend. However, as I've said, I don't actually KNOW if there is anything legal to stop you doing this, but feel sure that someone will enlighten us both.

Do keep coming back to MN for support OP, we've seen lots of ladies through this sort of situation, and you can be pretty sure that there will be someone here who has experience of a similar situation, and can give you good advice.

Have you done what I suggested about putting notes up reminding yourself not to open the door to him, etc.?

he is currently blocked off everything and I am taking it one day at a time. My guess on his next step from previous would be he text my dad to say how awful I am and how everything he did was my fault (leaving out abusing me while my son was there). I’ll go one day at a time but as for me… I’m done with this and I’ve had a much needed reality check. I was walking through the park this morning repeating and thinking of your words. They helped so thank you. I can’t write them down as my daughter will wonder what’s going on.

I think the thing I struggle with the most is once the chaos has calmed down and my feelings creep in I wonder …. Was it my fault? Could it be different? Is it this bad or is it in my head, this is when he comes back saying how it is my fault, how i am the only one he’s been with who makes him this was etc. I know that’s bullshit but I’d say he’s done a fine job of removing my self confidence and self esteem. As for my children, they don’t deserve being near him and sadly I realised I’m not much better for staying. Yes I may believe they don’t see much, but if I am truly honest I bet they have seen more than I thought. Even one event is one too many.
its going to be a hard, long and lonely few months to find a way through but i absolutely will for my kids. Enough is enough. I know I’ll end up leaving his house in a body bag one day and I refuse to leave him alone with my son.

OP posts:

Givenupshopping · 29/10/2025 12:10

I'm glad to hear that the responses that you've had have helped you to see how important it is for you to end this relationship, and have absolutely NO further contact with your abuser.

As far as him seeing your child, thankfully I've not been through this, as when my ex and I went our separate ways, it was amicable, but in your shoes, I'd be tempted to say that he doesn't get any access to his child until there is a Court Order in place. I'm assuming to get a Court Order allowing him access, will mean that he needs to really WANT to see his child, even if it is only to punish you, but it will also mean that it costs him money, which again, he may not be willing to spend. However, as I've said, I don't actually KNOW if there is anything legal to stop you doing this, but feel sure that someone will enlighten us both.

Do keep coming back to MN for support OP, we've seen lots of ladies through this sort of situation, and you can be pretty sure that there will be someone here who has experience of a similar situation, and can give you good advice.

Have you done what I suggested about putting notes up reminding yourself not to open the door to him, etc.?

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 29/10/2025 11:14

I just want to say thanks to everyone on here. The comments have given me a reality check I so very much needed. I needed to hear the brutal truths and just how blinded I have been to think that this isn’t affecting my children. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 29/10/2025 10:34

Viol3tta · 29/10/2025 09:18

Where’s your other child OP?

He doesn’t do anything when my daughter is present thankfully. If I am with her it’s via text and when she’s at her dad’s every other weekend and on a Tuesday; that’s when he becomes this awful monster. Luckily she doesn’t see this but my poor son has done.

OP posts:

queenMab99 · 29/10/2025 09:53

You might feel that you are not perfect and have done things that are wrong, and that you will be blamed by social services, police etc. which gives him a hold over you. This does not give him the right to treat you badly and frighten your son, please get help, then you can work towards improving life for you and your son.

rainbowstardrops · 29/10/2025 09:46

He’s not going to suddenly turn into a decent partner and father, so how ever hard it is, you need to break ties with him and stop getting back with him. Stay in your flat, don’t go to his and if he causes trouble for you, contact the police.
Who cares what he says to your family? He’s pathetic.

Viol3tta · 29/10/2025 09:18

Where’s your other child OP?

HelenSkeleton · 29/10/2025 09:17

Where's the first ex in this OP? What does he have to say about this abusive man being around his child?