I am so sick of this abuse. Where and when does it end?

What exactly has he done now OP?

As far as getting a restraining order, I've just Googled 'how do i get a restraining order?' and lots of information came up, but basically the first thing you have to do it report him to the police.

OP of course he is going to threaten you to make you not report to the police.

Having been where you are let me give you some advice. Report him. Then go to court to get your CAO sorted, he will try and control you through DC access if you don’t get your position legally secure. Find a solicitor that is really in your side. Start grey rocking him. If you really do have to communicate you make it boring about the DC only, related to
any logistics and do not respond to anything emotional.

You are doing brilliantly, you have a job you like, you are focused on that and the DC. Just make sure you are taking care of yourself too! Your financial security is so important = choice and freedom

OP did he do any of this in writing? Text message, WhatsApp, fb messenger etc?

Honestly, his sort are utterly universal. Bluster through life, thick as shit, behaving as though they're the bloody Krays, violent and aggressive. Like they're something special and above being arrested or having any consequences at all.

They surround themselves with people who can't / won't report them because they're up to their necks in something illegal themselves.

That's not you. You're just a person, with a job and a child, and you can report him, and anything he does to try to intimidate you, you can report that too.

Imagine your bank manager or the GP or the head teacher at a school having this lumbering idiot of a gorilla threatening them with violence. Would it work, would they do what he says? Of course not - they'd call the police, ban him from the premesis, and he'd get charged with a crime.

They wouldn't say 'ooh, he told me not to, and he's always in the pub getting in fights and dealing drugs, everyone knows who he is, I'd better listen to him'. They'd think 'who is this fucking idiot, what a load of shite'.

He literally only has the power that you give him. Give him none. Take it back.

Oh for goodness sake OP, of course he's going to threaten all sorts if you go to the police, but at the end of the day with him already having a criminal record, he knows that any report to the police is likely to end with him going back to prison. Please stop believing everything this monster is saying, go to the police, tell them EVERYTHING, including his threats about if you go to the police, that way they will help keep you safe, if they go to arrest him. Just because he's a big bastard doesn't mean that every word he says is to be believed. So please, for your sake and that of the children, report this to the police TODAY, and put a stop to living in fear. Above all, when you do, don't forget to stress how terrified you are about making the report because you're so scared of his reaction.

Why did you ignore. my question about who told you not to report him to the police OP?

Who told you not to report the abuse?

You need to call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247. Leave a message with your name, phone number, and best time to call you back.

Tell them everything. Do not lie to cover this man. Do not leave anything out. Ask for advice and support.

By not reporting, you have put yourself in the position of going on the five year waiting list for housing.

Who on earth told you not to report him?

If you could get a similar job elsewhere, then there's presumably no reason you couldn't rent privately.

How long have you been living in your current flat OP?

Why didn't you just walk away from him as soon as you knew this? I know hindsight is a good thing however. I had a few dates with a guy at about 20 and he confessed he'd been in a YOI. I gave him a chance and went out with him again when he started trouble in a wine bar. I walked out and never saw him again. I've heard about him though and his regular breaks inside.

You don't need this.

The reason I asked about prison, and whether you worked full time, etc., was if he's been to prison so many times, then he obviously has a police record, presumably violence was involved? If he has a record, the police are far more likely to take an interest, so sorry for all the questions, but can I ask, have you actually reported his behaviour to the police, and if so, when, what for, and what reaction did you get?

As for your job situation, it seems that your family don't offer you any real support, so the fact that you work full time, and are used to paying for child care, again puts you in a good position, and while I know it would be hard, it would be easier than living in fear as you do now. My solution - get a new job well away from where you live now. Once you've got something suitable, look for accommodation, I would imagine if you're already on a council waiting list, that that could be transferred. Then once you've got some where, move yourself and your children, and tell NO ONE where you've gone. Not even family, just tell them that you're moving to get away from him, and you're not telling ANYONE where to, but you will keep in regular contact to let them know you're safe - only do this if you don't want to cut them out of your life too. Like I said, I know this would be really hard, but it's got to be better than living as you do now. You could even change your name by deed poll to ensure that he can't find you. In your shoes this is definitely what I would do, otherwise you and your children are going to continue to live in fear for the rest of your lives, and do bear in mind, before you say 'I can't do that', that people do this when they go into witness protection, and for them, they don't usually have time to even make plans.

With this in mind OP, can I suggest that if you haven't already, you join the Women's Aid Survivors Forum. There are other women on there who may be able to give you more advice and help. https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/

You can apply for a non molestation order to keep him away from you.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/self-referrals/

Your father needs to block him or change his phone number. Any approach, and he should report him to the police for harassment.

Let everyone, including work, know what he has been doing to you. His power lies in secrecy and things happening in private - when everyone knows, it removes that power and he becomes that crazy ex.

I would go so far as to tell the council that he has been threatening to make false reports to them. I did this when I fled my abuser - contacted DWP and told them in writing what he was threatening to tell them about me.

I would definitely go back to your local domestic abuse organisation for further support in staying safe and gone from this man. Ideally, you need to disappear.

So basically you dont care about your children you are putting a man before them, do baybe frame it like that before social services does

And yes this is harsh but if you want to remain a doormat it won't get any better so act like an adult and stop it now put your children first for a change

Maybe people being harsh may make you wake up and take note before he kills someone

You keep going back to him.

You need to press charges against him for coercive control.

You need a restraining order.

You need to block him on your phone so he can’t contact you.

What?

Report you for what?? For leaving him?

Stop going back to him FFS!!

Reach out to a domestic violence shelter and seriously consider pressing charges for coercive control.

I agree with every word of this OP. Can I ask, has he ever been to prison?

Also, do you work full time? If so, can I ask who looks after the children?

This! He will try to trick you and make you doubt yourself but you're doing the right thing

In the temporary accommodation from your local council ? If so they will have a dv team to help you.

Well done for getting out OP. He has no power over you (keep repeating that)

if he doesn’t agree with anything if anybody does challenge him he will threaten further violence you report this to the police if it happens.

he will report me to the council and have me kicked out of here he can't. You're staying at the flat. You're not staying with him. It's an empty threat. He has no power.

He hounded my father with messages messages that our father wouldn’t want to see about his daughter your dad shouod block him. And report him for harassment.

Calling the police isn’t an option for me because he has told me the repercussions if I was to do that of course he has. It's a load of shit. He has no power. Report it to the police, and then report it again as harassment if he carries on.

if they went to court realistically, would he do this? He doesn't strike me as a person who would engage with the courts... Just block him and wait for the paperwork, I'd put money on it never coming.

my father very much see this as he has not hurt my son and therefore he has a right to see my son. fuck all to do with him. Not his child.

He has the tools to ruin my life in terms of ruined relationships with my family members. no he doesn't. He has NO POWER! They just need to block him. Phone the police if he turns up in person. He's irrelevant, they don't need to listen to a word he has to say. If they do, they're no use to you anyway.

He has the tools to get me kicked out of the flat no he doesn't. He says he does. He's full of shit.

he knows where I work so he could definitely get me sacked nope. Tell them you have fled domestic violence, and need things in place should he approach you or Co workers either to harass verbally or physically.

this is the type of man he is I can see exactly what type of man he is. He's 'the big I am' he's aggressive and throws his weight around, he's a big fish in a small pond, and all the other little fish are the same sort of people that sort things out with their fists and by harassing and scaring people. Well he can fuck off, because you're not in his pond. You're a grown up, and you're in the pond with the police, and the courts. And they actually do have power. He can say all of this shit OP. He can say it as loudly as he likes. But it doesn't make it true.

The only power he has is the power you give him.