Cut ties because of their 2 year old sons behaviour?

One of my sons was a biter at that age. God it was a nightmare. I had to police him at all times and could NEVER relax around other parents/children because he could so quickly turn for a bite!

If she's trying to manage the behaviour, the odds are it will improve (my son is a perfectly cheerful and normally behaved 4 year old).

I tried to meet others mostly at playgrounds where the kids weren't in such close proximity. I really appreciated those friends who worked with me so that we could still see each other. I did understand that it wasn't as relaxing so was ok with the fact thay I saw most friends less often. Im glad that they are still my friends and now my son is older and understands such things are wrong they play together nicely.

So obviously you should not feel you hav to put your son in a position that is uncomfortable for him. Talk to your friend. Explain that the children arent playing well together at the moment (she'll know what you mean) so you're giving them a bit of a break from each other to reset and you're looking forward to seeing them again in a few months. That way you're not destroying a friendship for what will presumably just be a phase.

I find it odd that this happens in every single setting except for nursery, if the trigger is other children. As it, it would happen in a park where 2 year olds would play largely separately e.g. going on the swings/slide together? For some kids, both other people playing with their toys and the excitement of other people's toys are hugely stressful. I'd try neutral ground outside first.

It sounds like the parents are trying to manage it, so I'd perhaps skip hang outs for a couple of months (Xmas a perfect window for this because you can claim busy-ness) and try again. He'll probably be out of that phase.

Yes, I think stepping back is quite reasonable. While I feel sorry for them, they have to accept other people don't want their children getting whomped, and it is your job as his mum not to expose him to that knowingly.

But I'd try to be sensitive in the way you do so, to minimise the hurt they will feel. I don't think a big declaration or announcement is necessary, but try to have a softly worded explanation for stepping back a bit ready in case they ask - and I don't think it needs to be phrased as a final position on the friendship going forward.

It blows my mind how many people say that a parent should allow their toddler to be physically hurt, over and over, by another child to ‘be kind’ and not risk upsetting a grown adult. Horrifying really, the message that’s sending your child. Put up with anyone physically assaulting you not to rock the boat.

There may well be reasons for this child’s behaviour but that doesn’t make it the OP’s responsibility to offer up her toddler as a punchbag ffs. Surely the very first job as a parent is to protect your child from
physical harm?! It’s negligent and horrible parenting to continue exposing them to a child who is repeatedly hurting them.

Here's the thing: being punched by an ND child isn't any less painful than being punched by a neurotypical child.

Yes, of course children have to understand that not all children are the same. It's really easy, in fact, to explain that to them. But that absolutely doesn't mean they have to play with children who repeatedly physically hurt them.

'Danny is neurodivergent and he finds some things quite difficult. He isn't a nasty boy - he just doesn't always understand how to be gentle, and that isn't his fault' is a reasonable message to give to a neurotypical child.

'Danny is neurodivergent and he finds some things quite difficult. He isn't a nasty boy - he just doesn't always understand how to be gentle, and that isn't his fault. That means you have to put up with him hurting you whenever we see him because being kind means you have to let some people hit you all the time' is not a reasonable message to give to a neurotypical child (or, in face, a neurodivergent one).

The needs and feelings of an neurotypical child are not less important than the needs and feelings a neurodivergent one.

Your job as a parent is to protect your child, have his back. You need to stop subjecting him to this child. Actually I think his parents would understand.

Why don’t you just see the parents separately when you aren’t with your children? Otherwise you are saying you expect the child to grow out of the behaviour, the parents are aware and doing what they can, but you want to ditch them anyway.

He's 2 not a baby. They might be trying to stop him but why is it he behaves in day care and is probmatic out of it?
So many parents, not saying this is the case, let their kids run feral and misbehave under the excuse 'He's only exploring /playing/being creative'
Yeah, because I really want your kid trashing my home and scribbling felt pen over my walls while the doting parent smiles indulgently watching them and moaning at me because I have to tell them off.

Been there, had to do it, mum cried and said I was mean to her little angel- she was 5 ffs, as I was kicking them out of my home.
My kids had their moments and 2 ND but even so they didn't go beating each other up or trying to strangle their siblings.

@Iliveonabighill I had a friend from the postnatal group (our eldest were the same age) who's daughter was obsessed with my youngest, would grab him and pull him around, treat him like a doll. I had to ask, all the time, for my friend to pull her daughter off him. The friend would not prevent the situation by watching her daughter and would laugh it off while my youngest who was only a crawling baby, would be hiding under the table or behind the sofa. It was up to me to watch them to protect him. I just got sick of it, it was making my life more difficult because she didn't want to manage her child. I let the friendship drift in the end. Not every friendship stands up to difficulties like this. Sometimes you need to put your own kid and sanity first.

Of course YANBU for stopping the children spending time together.

I wouldn't want my child being manhandled and I wouldn't want them adopting the poor behaviour.

It's interesting he behaves at nursery. Sounds like he knows his parents have loose boundaries, so the behaviour will be accepted by them but not in his care setting 🤔.

Your friendship is not worth more than than your child’s safety cut ties.

Sounds like the parents could do with speaking to the childcare setting and ask what they do to manage behaviour, if he is only lashing out when with them.

I wouldn’t cut ties, but I wouldn’t be rushing to make plans with them them until he is a bit older and can be reasoned with

That’s probably the parents lying or in denial as they are scared of losing their connection to OP

I would carry on seeing them socially but without any of the DC.

I would just phrase it that the kids aren’t getting on at the moment so let’s give them both a break by not getting them together for a while. In the meantime shall we meet up on the evening.

I think it is reasonable to step back so your son is not at risk of being hurt.

But why is it necessary to "cut ties"? In all likelihood the issue will pass, and it seems a bit drastic to me to cut them off. Just excuse yourself from the next few invitations. It may fizzle out, or there may be an improvement. If she raises it, i think it's fine to say you understand her DS is having a phase of being very physical and it is something you find stressful - but only if she actually asks.

As much as sensing people were stepping back would upset me as the boy's mum, I would find being told a friend was "cutting ties" quite devastating. It's very final and very extreme.

OP states that the child doesnt behave like this at daycare. So he clearly knows what is acceptable. Im afraid I wouldn't be allowing my toddler to be assaulted relentlessly, just for the sake of a friendship

Do them the favour by cutting them off

WTF?

Her child doesn’t ever have to accept being on the receiving end of physical aggression. It may suck for the parents of the kid, but compassion for them should not come at the expense of her own child.

It really doesn't matter if the parents are doing their best or not, though. That's not really relevant. The end result is the same regardless - i.e. the OP's child gets thumped, pushed and headbutted throughout and the OP feels upset by it. It's no more pleasant for a child to be headbutted by a toddler whose parents are doing their best than it is to be headbutted by a toddler whose parents aren't doing their best.

Therefore it's perfectly reasonable to cut ties. Meeting up with friends is meant to be fun, not a feat of endurance or a source of stress. If it's not enjoyable, don't do it.

Maybe the child will indeed grow out of it, but that doesn't mean the OP has to watch her own child having a miserable time in his presence for another couple of years while she waits for her friend's kid to emerge from his 'headbutting other children' phase.

Please don’t write the child off. My DS was a nightmare. He grew out of it by 3. Now I get nothing but compliments on how lovely he is. Maybe have a break for a bit, but do patent evening things. Some kids just don’t gel.

Well, actually, if my daughter was at the receiving end of the thwacks, I wouldn´t care if said kid was the second coming from Heaven. I would meet with no kids, but there is no chance in hell I would subject my daughter to that.

I wouldn't cut ties with a friend because of their 2 YOs behaviour that they are trying to manage, no. I would think my friend needed support. I'd maybe meet up without DC for a while though. Where are you meeting them? As a PP said, playdates in houses weren't great for my DS when little, but would have been fine to meet up with friends for days out at farms, swimming, parks, soft play etc.

i wouldnt be getting the kids together, but I wouldnt make a big thing of it either. Her child is only 2, and plenty of them are a bit of a nightmare at that stage. Biting, grabbing etc. It doesnt mean they are bad parents. I hope they dont get ostracised by everyone