Cut ties because of their 2 year old sons behaviour?

Well if that’s her attitude, then that mum is going to find herself totally friendless pretty soon by the sound of things.

I have one friend I meet up with most Fridays. If my son was constantly hurting her child. And she told me she didn't want her child to play with him for a bit but to still meet up with me I would understand.

It seems like the parents are aware as they are trying to correct it. It would be different if the friends were oblivious to it and would get defensive

I saw your update, yes I would step back.

If the parents are people who you value as friends I would want to stay in contact. Maybe meet without the kids - not easy!! I would also tell them why you are doing it.

If you like the other mum then arrange to meet her without either of your children being present.

My DS was a handful and I was constantly intervening. I was much happier to meet up without him. As DS matured he got a bit more manageable and I would do meet-ups outside the house with other families.

You don’t need to be so blunt as to say ‘I don’t want to be around your child’. But it’d be unreasonable for the mum to fall out with the OP if she points out it’s not working out between the kids but she’d really like to remain friends.

Don't be ridiculous 🙄 OP is not obligated to continually allow her 2 year old to be a punchbag for someone else's child so as not to hurt the parents feelings. It's perfectly reasonable to say that you don't want your child to be hit, strangled and headbutted! And FYI being ND is not an excuse for violent behaviour - I have a son with autism and learning disability and have been around children with additional needs all his life - very few of them are violent towards other children.

Your DS’s safety and wellbeing comes first. Their son sounds really awful. I don’t know why some kids have a propensity to act this way, is it learned behaviour? Either way, your son deserves better so protect him and cut ties.

And while that is very sad for you and them, my child does not need to put up with being battered just to teach them that 'not all kids are the same'.

I think all the people saying ‘remain friends with the mum’ are being unrealistic here. Would you continue to be friends with someone who didn’t want to be around your child? (Not saying OP is in the wrong here, but just think about it)

As awful and hard it must be for them, it's not fair for your child to be collateral.

😂😂😂😂😂 THIS 👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽 could not have said it more eloquently ♥️

Well this was my DS at age 2 and within a year he had an autism diagnosis (and ADHD, dyspraxia and SPD diagnoses within a few years of that). It’s highly likely he’s ND (and the different behaviour in childcare substantiates rather than contradicts this).

We lost a lot of friends and acquaintances in similar circumstances and that was an entirely reasonable decision for them to make. I got used to play dates never being reciprocated (and in one case, cut contact myself because of negative comments the couple made about ND children with a jolly “oh we don’t mean DS of course”.)

I will say though that I massively appreciated those who stuck around, who saw me doing my level best as a mum, and who understood that DS’ behaviour was related to neurodevelopmental issues rather than crap parenting, and they became really dear to me. If she’s a “keeper” friend I would try to find a way to maintain the friendship while protecting your DC. If she’s a passing acquaintance, you WNBU to move on.

If they are genuinely trying to deal with their son I think I’d try to make things work. Maybe plan a shared outing to a zoo where both children would be in the pushchairs. Two year olds don’t generally play “together” anyway. Absolutely your son should not be subjected to physical attacks, but I would try to find a way to manage the situation better as a first step.

Keep meeting up without the children?

thats true, but if you only use neurodiversity as an excuse for "bad" behaviour, rather than a factor in how he is able to socialise, or what he needs, then it isnt helpful. Hes going to be less likely to cope with lots of kids and adults that he doesnt really know that well, in someone elses house, than an NT kid, so youd hopefully find ways to still be able to socialise him, but without it turning to shit.
Thats what id hope for anyway. Not just people with more manageable toddlers forming a clique and closing ranks.

Not saying the kid is ND of course.

My kids are though, and although theyre adults now, I remember how ostracised I felt at times.

The child is too young to really know what he’s doing, when you’re child is 10 you’ll get how young 2 is they can’t really be bullies. However for your son’s safety you’re well within your rights to stop having play dates till his behaviour improves which it most likely will.

If you really like mum tell her let’s meet up wigrout the kids so we can be free to chat and go to the pub in the evening

Just meet up without the kids - or at very structured activities where he won't have the opportunity to do anything.

If you value their friendship it's very shallow to decide you don't like them any more because of the fact their child is struggling to behave. Unless they're sitting there egging him on! It sounds like that's not the case and they are trying to manage his behaviour.

OTOH if the friendship is only for your son's benefit then it makes sense to stop seeing them. But in that case I would not count them as friends, and I don't think it's a very supportive way for you (as a friend) to behave towards them.

do you all meet at certain times of the day more often than others? Are there times of day that he is harder work than others, or some places where he does it more?
It might be possible to still be able to manage him so that your friend isnt just cut off. She needs to be able to work out what her kid can cope with and what he cant.
Sounds like he definitely isnt the sort of kid that can just be left to play with other kids, and he needs someone hovering over him - so a load of mums catching up and having coffee while the kids play is not going to work. Or it might be ok for short periods but not when its coming close to nap time or whatever.
He might be ok in a soft play centre or in a park, or at a toddler group, but not just doing free play in someone elses house?

It will be different when hes in childcare because he will have adults focusing on the children and not just trying to catch up with their friends. The staff there will probably also have a more rounded idea of what is normal behaviour in that age group and that it can change according to the environment

Quite possibly but in the meantime its pretty stressful watching your child get hurt or be on constant watch for it

As the parents ARE trying I think you would be unnecessarily harsh to cut ties. It might be that you have to say to your friends that when you're all together you have to take turns to be on Joey-duty or whatever, but to cut ties seems unkind. A friend had a similar issue with her DD, and DH and I were always very impressed with how militant she was about keeping a very very close eye on her DD, at ALL times and yes, she did stop doing it (and yes, she has both ADHD and ASD as it turns out).

I had a very similar situation with a new mum friend’s DS - as soon as he turned 2 it was like he flipped a switch inside. Like your friend the child was well behaved at nursery but outside of nursery it was relentless attacking of other children including my DC, including biting, hitting, spitting, hair pulling, pinching, pushing over, snatching toys and smacking other children in the face/over the head with it, grabbing other children’s food and eating it or throwing it on the ground and standing on it, trying to grab children’s eyes, and loads more biting.

And that was just attacking other children - at home the behaviour was just dire. Mum friend would just smile and ignore the behaviour, and he was never reprimanded or had any kind of consequence whatsoever.

I reduced contact subtly but quickly - my child could not be her child’s punching bag - and by the time they were 5 we rarely saw them anymore. I heard that his behaviour had not improved by the time he started school and he was still biting. I do wonder about ND as well as poor parenting but I wasn’t willing to put my child in harm’s way any longer.

I would suggest that you offer to meet the parents for adult-only evening meals out etc, and if the mum pushes just say you don’t think the kids are getting on at the moment.

Keep your kid away from him but explain it to the parents and say if you can still see them without DC you will be keen to do so.

Agree with this.
You can't let another child put his hands on your son's neck and head butt him. Maybe be honest and say you'd love them to play again when their son has grown out of it. In the meantime 'let's meet up without the boys'.

Why would your first reaction to be to cut ties? It’s fine not wanting to meet with the DC (you have to protect yours child) but why don’t you drop the mum a message saying you can see it’s really hard for them and all the effort must be exhausting and does she want to get a coffee/glass of wine without the DC at some point?