Cut ties because of their 2 year old sons behaviour?

The first line of my post was literally "it's not an excuse". I am beginning to think there is a correlation between people who willfully refuse to acknowledge the potential neurodevelopmental differences of some kids, and a lack of basic reading comprehension. Getting "a slap" at any age will not cure anyone's neurodivergence.

The hope and expectation of most SEN parents I know is that with the right support, and a bit of understanding from the grown-ups in the room, our DC will not be biffing folk when they're older (and not all of them biffed anyone in the first place). On the other hand, this child is only two, is highly unlikely to be either a psychopath or the anti-Christ, and it's a tad pre-emptive to remove a toddler from nursery because he can't control himself. Show me one that can...

FWIW an autistic child typically presents like a child aged about 2/3 of their actual age. It can takes them longer to pick up social cues and learn/model appropriate behaviours from others. However, no self-respecting practitioner will diagnose a child of two, because these behaviours are so common in all children of that age, which suggests the DC in the OP is not especialy unusual. That said, there is no reason why the OP (or her DC) should tolerate violence, and I would not suggest otherwise.

Well you do you. And I’ll protect my DC from violence, however it’s dished out.

I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Just be ‘busy’ from now on. Why meet up just for your child to be used as a punching bag for their kid?

Can't bear this. Having to explain to an innocent child who doesn't understand why they have been bitten because another kid has an "excuse". It's totally unacceptable. Shouldn't be at nursery if they can't control themselves, it won't wash when they're an adult and they attack another adult. They will get a slap.

Would cut them off like a shot. I've cut ties with a family member who's child is 4 and is a violent psychopath to other children and has no respect for adults. No regrets. My kid is NOT allowed within a mile of that horrible child...protect your own.

I don’t think I would cut ties completely but meet them elsewhere. My kids are older but when young a friends child was a nightmare. It was best not to do home play dates and meet at parks, soft play etc. It could be asd? Otherwise try and see them without children.

If they are good friends and you get on well I wouldn't end a friendship because of their child's behaviour. If they have a child with problems the last thing they need is their friends cutting them off.
Also you never know when you might need friends who have experienced of dealing with a difficult child.
Honestly your child is bound to encounter more than one difficult child when he goes to nursery/school. As long as you don't leave him alone with the child I'm sure you can protect him

This will amaze you, but some of us are capable of being sympathetic towards someone on the receiving end of aggression whilst also providing some context for the aggressor's behaviour in the context of ND (something of which I have considerable experience and knowledge). If you infer that as downplaying violence, it rather suggests a lack of understanding on your part of something that can be really disabling for some children.

Plus, the "victim" (as you put it 🙄) is aged two, as is the perpetrator. No physical injuries have been mentioned and worst case scenario, one DC can be scooped up and plonked somewhere away from the other, as I have done many hundreds of times with DS. Managing a violent child becomes much more difficult when they are bigger and stronger than you - and again, I speak from experience. At no point have I suggested that the OP's DC should put with violence - in fact, I stated the exact opposite.

I obviously don't know. I am thinking of one mum friend in particular, I think she still would. I would be completely happy to meet her and her child, just without my child. I really value her as a friend and she is a fabulous person. I wouldn't want to stop being her friend because I didn't think our children could be together any more. She would probably need friends to stick by and support her, not run away. BUT I think as a parent she would understand I can't bring my child somewhere he could be physically hurt.

You’re right. The word strangle is more appropriate. Stop downplaying the aggression. In most people’s books, the victims feelings (and physical injuries) are more important, as they should be.

Personally I wouldn't care if they didn't understand. My kids and their feelings were always my priority. Wasn't bothered what other parents thought.

But if you said you didn’t want to be around their child anymore do you think they would still hang out with you? Reality is, if the child is ND then this issue could drag out for years and most parents of SEN kids are rarely without their kids (speaking for myself here and SEN parents I know)

I'd meet without the kids for now. Hopefully they grow out of it. But no I wouldn't want to be seeing my child being pushed around a lot either so I'd either reduce playdates or stop them for now.

I wonder whether her child is overwhelmed by having so many children around? I wouldn't lose the parents' friendship but I wouldn't put my child in that situation, either.

My child was not aggressive but he was disruptive and didn't respect boundaries. Autism diagnosis at 4 years old. I NEVER had playdates in the traditional sense. I stayed next to him ALL THE TIME to prevent him taking toys/going up the slide/bothering someone. I sometimes found "solutions" like mini stroller for him to walk his toys around, scooter, bubble machine etc. But it was impossible to socialise with him because he needed my support at all times to socialise himself.

@Iliveonabighill If both the parents are there why don't they take turns in helping their son out with his behaviour ; preventing aggressive behaviour and modelling good social interactions. I would be so stressed out if my son hurt someone but they don't seem pro active at all. So even if their son is ND (not their fault) they are not helping him out at all- lazy parenting and they will have to pay the social costs that come with it.

I’ve clicked that you’re being unreasonable but I only half believe that. In that I think maybe you continue to be friends with the mum but try to see her when the kids aren’t around for example if both your kids go to nursery and you have a free morning where you could have a coffee every couple of weeks, then I would switch that arrangement. if they’re aware of the behaviour and given his Age I think it’s unlikely to be something they’re doing at home, it’s probably developmental or linked to his anger at not being able to fully express himself with words yet. I understand not wanting your child to be hurt anymore, I’ve been in a similar situation with a friends child but only once so easy to overlook. But I do think it’s not the mum’s fault and for her to lose all of her mum friends over this would be incredibly isolating during an already lonely period of her life.

It’s not cruel to not want to be hit all afternoon

When did possible or actual ND suddenly become a hall pass to batter other people, a child no less?!

It’s not a “hall pass” or an excuse. But autism is primarily about social interaction and communication, often coupled with extreme sensory issues, so occasional violence is not a particularly unusual presentation. My DS used to push children away at nursery because he didn’t want to interact. He was also a biter for longer than is typical for a NT child because it was meeting some sensory need. Even now, when exhausted, he will have a little chew on my arm!

None of which is to say the OP would be wrong to withdraw from the friendship to protect her DC. But a little understanding of the ways ASC can present in small children also wouldn’t go amiss. Hyperbolic language like “batter” helps nobody.

I said to the our friends we missed adult evenings, and we started doing that instead. It was fun and relaxing. My df and I also did our own meet ups and she could talk in confidence about how challenging her dc was. They were eventually diagnosed with autism.

We did get together with dc very occasionally, but mostly not, as they could be unpredictable and violent and my dc found it so stressful. We came under pressure for a bit as her child didn’t have any friends, but we became busy with school commitments and sports. The behaviour never did improve very much sadly, we are still friends now. It’s been a tough road for our friends, and cost them their marriage in the end.

Are you saying in the meantime the OP should let him put his hands around her child's neck?

Protect your child.

Your son is your priority here, op.

“He will push my son over, puts his hands around my son’s neck, headbutt him. “

That sentence alone is a good enough reason to not let the other child mix with your son. Advocate for your child.

As others have said, if you want to remain friends with the mum, meet separate from the children.

(and I don’t think he will grow out if it, until his parents start to parent him).

Exactly. It’s ridiculous. You look after your child. And they look after theirs. When did possible or actual ND suddenly become a hall pass to batter other people, a child no less?!

I had a similar situation and I feel guilty for letting it go on before stopping meeting up.
If you are friends with the mother, you could continue to see here/the couple separately. It isn't fair on your child to continue meeting up.