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Original poster

To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

261 replies

Nant90 · 28/10/2025 13:03

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

OP posts:
Twatterati · 28/10/2025 14:48

WTF?! I’m annoyed for you @Nant90

Tell your husband you want a Christmas just for you, him and the DC this year. It sounds like you make a lovely effort for a special day, do all the hard work, which isn’t noticed or appreciated, so it’s your decision to make.

Then ring the in-laws yourself and say you’re having a change this year and aren’t hosting.

If they’re people that aren’t bothered, then they won’t be bothered about not being invited, surely. Please make a stand this year or you’ll have to spend every Christmas hosting them, and will never enjoy it just as a family.

Don't spend another one listening to the veiled criticisms - more people are like you and make an effort for a wonderful, special day. A lot less people are like them and ‘not bothered’. They can be ‘not bothered’ somewhere else!!

AGirlCalledJohnny · 28/10/2025 14:46

5128gap · 28/10/2025 14:16

I'd be reminding your H that you are equals in the marriage and that when you want different things, it's not his way by default, it's a compromise. Tell him you've done Christmas his way every year so far and now its your turn. Tell him that for future years you can alternate. Obviously he can refuse and invite them anyway. In which case you'd need to think what your plan B was (refuse to host?) or worse, he could reluctantly agree then PA spoil the day by claiming it was boring. Much will depend on the decency of the man, the strength of your marriage and how much he cares about your wishes. All of which are issues bigger than Christmas plans.

Nailed it. OP, respectfully, this isn’t truly about Christmas, this is just what is forcing the issue and clarifying to you how you’re not a priority.

My DH occasionally will do a high-handed shut things down of things I’ve suggested if he doesn’t immediately like the sound of it for whatever reason. Now, I’m well able to stand up for myself, but when that happens, I know the best way to reframe is to drop it and find a quiet, calm time to talk later and lay out my reasonings, why it’s important to me, and therefore should be to him. If it’s reasonably un-harebrained, he will always come around.

(As an aside, if I couldn’t hide from everyone in the kitchen for at least an hour or two on Christmas Day knocking back champagne I’d go doolally)

ForZanyAquaViewer · 28/10/2025 14:43

I’m not really understanding why your DH has veto power on this (or any decision). What do you mean be ‘shut it down’? What gives him the right to do that?

MrsZiggywinkle · 28/10/2025 14:39

ItsAllGoneQuietOverThere · 28/10/2025 14:14

⬆️⬆️ look OP!!

Another poster saying Move It To Boxing Day!

It gives you your Xmas day back and they still get to come round and be rude - but not on the Big Day!

Show quote history

Yep, move it to Boxing Day.

You can then have a lovely table, kids can have presents in peace and a day as you want it.

Boxing Day can be pared back. Little effort with the table and buffet lunch with shop bought dessert.

I would recommend any woman not to do the same thing for Christmas year after year. It just seems to create a rod for your own back.

Stillhoping1990 · 28/10/2025 14:39

FrenchandSaunders · 28/10/2025 13:29

I can't get past the carriers on the lovely set Christmas table OP 😳, who does that!! I'd be raging. I can't bear it if everyone trundles in and leaves coats on sofas and bags at the side, let alone ON THE TABLE! 😡

same - I’m furious just reading this! So disrespectful. I bet the in laws are quite boring and don’t appreciate creativity.

Gloriia · 28/10/2025 14:36

Tbh if he does all the cooking I can't see what the problem is, they're his family it is normal to have people over for Christmas lunch.

Just be assertive regarding arrival times,10am is stupid. So tell them arrive 1pm for lunch at 2 then say you're seeing other family later so they'll need to leave by 5pm.

tryingtobesogood · 28/10/2025 14:35

Stand firm, and say no. He is obviously used to you backing down on this. Just keep saying it is not happening, and for him to not assume you will change your mind because you won't. Nothing will change unless you do.

GreenCandleWax · 28/10/2025 14:30

Can you do a tactical gradual withdrawal? The same expectations every year is too rigid. You could start by suggesting alternate years - say Sil this year, then each year you could have something a bit different going on, eg. you could be away one year. Or tell them you want a simple Christmas Day this year - just you two and DC but can come over to theirs (!) on Boxing Day. You need your DH's support ideally, but even without it there is no harm in saying the above to your in-laws.

pusspuss9 · 28/10/2025 14:29

Zempy · 28/10/2025 13:13

Just tell him he will be doing all the work. All the planning/shopping/cooling/hosting.

Then get strategic flu and spend the day having a lovely time in your bed.

Then get strategic flu and spend the day having a lovely time in your bed.

she sounds a lovely mum and I can imagine spoiling the Christmas for her little ones just to score points will be the last thing on her mind.

Ragruggers · 28/10/2025 14:27

Could you afford to go away for a few days lots of lodge type places in the woods would be great for the children they have Christmas trees and lights choose a place you have never been to and explore.Solves all the Il problems.

KittyMacNitty · 28/10/2025 14:27

It sounds like you've a long established tradition of doing Christmas this way. If you cancel it or change it they are going to be deeply offended.

Original poster
Nant90 · 28/10/2025 14:24

I do actually quite like the idea of me doing more of the cooking so I could hide in the kitchen (drinking wine) BUT I want to spend the day with the dc. Dh is already sahd and I work f/t and do feel I miss out a bit. I want to be around the dc as much as possible when I'm off, especially on Christmas Day.

It's also reminded me of another annoying thing they do - they seem to go out of their way to give the dc their gifts when I'm out of the room. So I'll nip to get something and then when I come back they'll have opened something with them (and will probably be moaning that the dc don't appreciate it as they have too much...). If I was there I would make sure the dc were gracious but they have this weird thing about giving things when I'm momentarily absent, for some reason.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 28/10/2025 14:23

Just say no, if hubby is bothered he can go to theirs and cook for them.

Doughtie · 28/10/2025 14:22

Excellently said @5128gap

SkaterGrrrrl · 28/10/2025 14:21

YANBU.

5128gap · 28/10/2025 14:16

I'd be reminding your H that you are equals in the marriage and that when you want different things, it's not his way by default, it's a compromise. Tell him you've done Christmas his way every year so far and now its your turn. Tell him that for future years you can alternate. Obviously he can refuse and invite them anyway. In which case you'd need to think what your plan B was (refuse to host?) or worse, he could reluctantly agree then PA spoil the day by claiming it was boring. Much will depend on the decency of the man, the strength of your marriage and how much he cares about your wishes. All of which are issues bigger than Christmas plans.

WallaceinAnderland · 28/10/2025 14:14

Just go to your family on Christmas Day and leave him to it.

ItsAllGoneQuietOverThere · 28/10/2025 14:14

Eddielizzard · 28/10/2025 14:10

Time to make a stand. I did this with my inlaws. We host them on Boxing Day. Best decision ever. Never looked back. It's been a few years now, and they accept it. Get past the push back, it will be uncomfortable, as setting a new boundary always is, but so sos osooooooooo worth it

⬆️⬆️ look OP!!

Another poster saying Move It To Boxing Day!

It gives you your Xmas day back and they still get to come round and be rude - but not on the Big Day!

Eddielizzard · 28/10/2025 14:10

Time to make a stand. I did this with my inlaws. We host them on Boxing Day. Best decision ever. Never looked back. It's been a few years now, and they accept it. Get past the push back, it will be uncomfortable, as setting a new boundary always is, but so sos osooooooooo worth it

ItsAllGoneQuietOverThere · 28/10/2025 14:10

Delatron · 28/10/2025 14:04

You have my sympathy OP. I have the same problem. Every bloody year they come to us. I’ve tried the ‘you cook’ - he burnt the turkey. But then I guess who cares?

One year I insisted we all go out for Christmas dinner - that was a good year.

Problem for me is that he doesn’t want what I want - which is a quiet Christmas with us and the DC. He loves a big noisy Christmas with loads of people (one year he invited 19!!)

They only live about 5 miles away- he’s like ‘I can’t bear them to be alone at Christmas’. So every year I suck it up (but tend to have a massive meltdown on Christmas Eve).

It’s so hard.

He invited 19???

You like a quiet Christmas??

Id have shot him!!

rainbowstardrops · 28/10/2025 14:10

You don’t want to host a big Christmas this year, so don’t! I think a compromise of a Boxing Day buffet would be a good way to go. Why do you not get a say in all of this?

Doughtie · 28/10/2025 14:09

The problem is, even if you discuss it and he agrees to do it your way, he could still have a face on him on the day itself. Having a cosy "just you" Christmas with someone who is resenting it is no fun. So you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, unless he makes a real effort.

I wonder if part of the problem is that you end up doing a lot of the entertaining, especially because he is cooking. Could you switch up the jobs so he is spending more time with his family and you're getting a bit more mental space in the kitchen? Dinner doesn't have to be the full works, or you could go less traditional with lasagne or something. I appreciate it sounds a bit topsy turvy suggesting you do even more of the work, but it sounds like a lot of the pinch points are in your interactions with his family and at the moment, it sounds like your day is set up to maximise these.

ItsAllGoneQuietOverThere · 28/10/2025 14:09

It sounds like his “Get Out” clause is that he does (and enjoys doing) the cooking which is always the moot point in these situations. The cook is the star, particularly as he is their son. You will be perceived as “ not doing that much” even though you’re on DC duties and running around prepping the house & cleaning etc. People get used to these social situations and become demanding and interfering, ie: commenting about your DC presents and even their weight 😱
How bloody rude!
That would be their last Christmas in my house for years.

Ive been with DP six years and from the very first Christmas, it became set in stone that we would go to his DPs on Boxing Day. I didn’t mind the first year as I was on best guest behaviour, nod and smile etc. However, it became expected that we would cook and take an entire buffet 30 miles with us (including desserts and drinks!) lay it all out and wash up before they cheated blatantly at board games!
Guess who had to start cooking early on Boxing Day morning to facilitate all this?🙋‍♀️
Last year, after some unpleasant behaviour from his Ddad, I refused point blank to go on Boxing Day and we went several days later. Some barbed comments were made, but I ignored them. I have already marked out my position for this year.
DP isn’t even the “Golden Child” that’s the absent sister…

My advice - start by trying to move them from Christmas Day to Boxing Day…

Delatron · 28/10/2025 14:05

Oh and if I make him cook they’d be like ‘oh poor DH, he works so hard and now he has to do all the cooking too’. Also by cooking I can try and hide a little bit (and get drunk).

Delatron · 28/10/2025 14:04

You have my sympathy OP. I have the same problem. Every bloody year they come to us. I’ve tried the ‘you cook’ - he burnt the turkey. But then I guess who cares?

One year I insisted we all go out for Christmas dinner - that was a good year.

Problem for me is that he doesn’t want what I want - which is a quiet Christmas with us and the DC. He loves a big noisy Christmas with loads of people (one year he invited 19!!)

They only live about 5 miles away- he’s like ‘I can’t bear them to be alone at Christmas’. So every year I suck it up (but tend to have a massive meltdown on Christmas Eve).

It’s so hard.