To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

If DH likes cooking then get him to do it. Not to mention I suspect that he likes Christmas more than he lets on 🤔
As I suggested just do the bare minimum with food and decorations - the inlaws will probably notice and if they do, just say that they seem to prefer a simpler arrangement so that's what you've gone with.

I don't understand this advice - the OP then still doesn't get a Christmas she'd enjoy.

And the first time someone called my child fat would be the last time they saw said child. If you can't stick up for yourself then do it for your children. Remind your husband that he can't unilaterally decide what the deal is for every single Christmas, you get a say too. If he wants to make this a hill to die then I'd be questioning my commitment to that relationship anyway. The same applies really for if he grudgingly agrees to your plan but spends the day with a face like a slapped arse, thereby ruining it for you anyway.

October is too late to be discussing this. You needed to start that conversation in Autumn 2024. "looking forward to Xmas this year (2024) and looking forward to 2025 when we're doing a different family Christmas."

Right from the start of the year you set family expectations about the fantastic advent party you will have on 1st December, or the Christmas Eve event, or the 12th night celebration. Memorable celebrations that everyone loves, that get put into the family calendar forever after... Things that put a boring Christmas day into the shade.

I have sympathy for you @Nant90 and there doesn’t appear to be an easy fix for this situation. I hate to be one of those ‘ it’s only one day’ type of people. It really is though. Maybe your DH could have a proper conversation with them about how they have behaved previously? Your DH should tell them they have upset you. I am old now honestly the amount of Christmas lunches I hosted over the years! They always included difficult, tricky and some downright nasty older family members (all dead now). My late IL’s were ‘not bothered’ about Christmas either but expected everything laid on😂. No consolation for you but your situation will be replicated all over the country on Christmas Day.

How about having a Christmas eve lunch and get together. Then have Christmas day just husband and kids. We host PILs most years. But a couple of times i have requested just us. It's a different dynamic.

I think you should be firmer with DH than ‘tentatively suggesting’. They don’t think Christmas is important, as you say, so shouldn’t be offended. Boxing Day is a happy medium for all.

I hate to be a doom merchant but this problem is way bigger than ILs on 25 Dec

Your DH is very selfish and so are his family

I expect on a day to day basis you give in to him (generally) and he gets his own way about most things

That's how he likes it and how he expects it and you've made sure he gets what he wants

You don't stand a cat in hells chance of getting the 25 Dec that you want, and if by some miracle you DO get it, DH and probably ILs too, would scupper it

I would either just tell him that you are not having a good time which isn't fair in your own home & for once you would like to have the relaxed day you do want with your children,
OR bear it again one more time and tell them all it's not happening next year so they've got a whole year to make other plans.

Yes, 100% this. Your DH is the problem here. Tell him to go to his parents for the day is he’s so bothered and you enjoy a relaxed day with your DC at home.

ETA… how old are DC? Would it be possible to do BD as your CD? I would host them on Christmas Day, let them do their gifts, dinner their way, no our for portions of the day to the park with the kids. Let DH do everything, including decorating, hosting, drinks fetching, cleaning etc… then decorate, gift giving and make BD your designated Christmas Day with the kids. That way they can’t comment on their presents, they can’t ruin your decs and DH might be more willing to flex next year.

Obvs this would only work if the DC weren’t too old, but it would give you a day to really look forward too even if DH is being stubborn on the actual day.

Yes this too.

Err do you mind! I’ve just spent the past 2 hours dressing the table so it’s nice for me and the children (as you lot don’t seem to care about Christmas). Shift your bloody bag! As you thrust it back into their arms.

I’d be fuming over the table dumping!

And the constant comments from them would be very irritating.

I’d say to DH it’s our house, my Christmas (as apparently you don’t care about it) so it’s just us for Christmas and you’ll go and see his family between Christmas snd New Year.

Set out what you want for your children now and they can go swing.

They sound a miserable lot.

Say you really want to try something different so the DC get the experience other DC get, of visiting people and of hosting.
Tell DH to move them coming to you to Boxing Day, and that you’ll visit them to do presents on Christmas Day.
And do some Christmas on Christmas Eve. Do the boxes, the food, the beautiful table then as well. We have a lovely CE, with its own traditions. The food is lighter- really good soup and bread- but the fun definitely starts the day before.

I would suggest leaving the arrangements as normal this year but every time they do something ridiculous, call them out - as in properly call them out. The examples you cite aren’t that minor, I would go mental if someone started commenting on my children’s presents or their weight and as for the carrier bag thing 😡
So instead of doing what I strongly suspect you always do and keep quiet like the polite host, fuck that. Go catatonic at them. You will feel better, they won’t overstay their welcome and are far less likely to turn up next year. Win!

Why not book a restaurant for lunch meet them there, you can all eat and pay for yourselves then go home to your own houses?

I agree.
from experience, any "changes" to the way you do Christmas Day won't really work because the people involved find it suits them very well to do exactly as they please whether it suits you or not. Giving other people jobs that they don't want to do can backfire as they don't do it but only tell you at the last minute so its even more stress

I only won Christmas Day back (as the person who did ALL the work and got none of the credit) when I really really meant it. And point blank refused.

My parents didn't do Christmas - no tree, no decs nothing so it was really hard for me to get Christmas organised for massive family of food critics and me critics. And I felt it was like running the gauntlet every year.

You only have a limited number of Christmases with your DC when they are young. This is YOUR time.. so make the most of it. Don't look back on Xmas as times when you were tired, put upon, and really dreading it and didn't get to spend enough time relaxing with your DC. It really shouldn't be something you dread.
If you are doing the majority of the work by which I mean the planning, the organising, the purchasing, the cards, the presents, the wrapping , the decorating, the cleaning, the getting the house in order etc the entertaining whilst DH "Slaves" in the kitchen... then you have the moral right to actually take charge in reality and say what your terms are and when it will take place. Cooking.. once everything else has been done for you, and all the relatives are admiring your hard work is only the tip of the iceberg.

Suggestions

1. This year have a day in between Christmas and NY which will be "their" Christmas Day with you. Don't take No for an answer from anyone. Ring them up yourself if you have to and (this is really important) shrug your shoulders when they make you the bad guy. You are the bad guy anyway aren't you? So embrace it. Once they've got used to it, it will be so much easier next year. You don't have to go so mad with the arrangements. The pressure is off.
2. give the DC presents out when its just you and DH either before or after - no more comments. Funnily enough the invitees never noticed.
3. once food is eaten. DH is Front of House - for everything.
4. Get them out in the Fresh Air for at least an hour. Everything is better in the fresh air.
5. suggest presents just for any Children... will take the pain out of rushing around trying to find presents for everyone. DC can give grandparents some token presents. (this worked really well actually, everyone agreed)

This is good advice. Please do this.

Oh, and I haven't done this in a few years, but I have previously made a point of having some kind of christmas celebration with just our immediate family, or my family, or friends on a different day so I have that to look forward to!!

I truly do not understand this idea of christmas with just your immediate nuclear family. HOwever, I am deeply sympathetic to your challenge here because I have a similar issue with my in laws. Just lots of little tings they do at Christmas that annoy me and, like you, it's the changing goalposts - DH's family aren't english so when we got together he gave me this whole thing about how Christmas eve is their big thing. It's a complete lie. If we do Christmas eve with them... somehow they still landed up at my family's christmas day.

Anyway, a few things I have done to save my sanity:

1 If we are doing christmas with them and at my house, I make a point of tring to figure out who ELSE I can invite so that I know I'll have a good time with a few people. Sometimes that might be other familiy visiting from overseas, sometimes a friend or whatever. This has got harder, admittedly, as family has got bigger with kids etc due to limited space.

2 I am polite but firm about shitty behaviour. "Why did you open the presents without me? I was just turning the potatoes" or "I'm going to go and turn the potatoes and when I'm back, THEN we can open presents."

3 I plan meals that will not be destroyed by their habit of turning up late etc. This doesn't sound like an issue for you, but I mention it so that you can see the sorts of things I do. I used to get so stressed abotu food being ruined. I don't any more.

4 I am clear in advance about what special things I'm doing. That could be from decor to gits for the DC to whatever. That way I'm priming them to understand that this is important to me and I expect it to be respected. To be fair, I do try to recipricate. eg MIL always has some random thing she wants to bring and I accept enthusiastically and gratefully on the basis it's important to her even though it makes no sense (endless panettone, for example, that no one eats!)

Do you do Boxing Day without them? You can mentally make that your real Christmas Day in your mind. That’s what I’ve done when I’ve had to endure certain guests.

So why do t the ILs have everyone over to their house?
OP, you’re entitled to say ‘no, DH this year we are not hosting. From now on it’s going to be every other year”. Why should he be the one to get to make the decision?

So true! And if wishes were horses, poor men wouldn’t walk

Your in-laws don't sound great, OP. I wonder how much is being done on purpose to try to exclude/play down your presence? That sweeping things out of the way on your carefully decorated table is soo rude, and the giving of gifts the minute your back is turned is awful too, let alone all the barbed comments.

I would speak to your DH about all of these things again in no uncertain terms. They ruin things for you, probably deliberately and you'd like one Christmas where you and the children are not insulted all the day long.

I have read all OP posts but not all the other posts, so no doubt someone has already said it, but in those MN words you have a DH problem, OP. Assert yourself, it's your house too.

If you can afford it I would be going away for Christmas.

Me too? Why's he the boss?

I used to be a sahp but I still listened to dh.

If you moved far away to another country you'd never have to see any member of either family at all, and your DH and DCs would soon forget about them.

Either put your foot down and say not this year. And stick to it. Boxing Day is open house.

or make sure DH severely restricts the hours they come. 1-5 is plenty of time for them to call your kids fat and spoiled (!).

Good luck!