To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

Hi OP. I have tried to read your comments but haven't read all of everyone else's.
I don't wish to sound harsh but your OH sounds rather unpleasant if this is how he is acting. From afar it seems very much as if he has said its my house and I will do what I want. The fact he feels he has control over all of you (when you are meant to be equal partners in life) is baffling to me. I would never ever let my husband tell me what was happening at Christmas and if I didn't want people coming that would be the end of it.
Does he not understand the word compromise?
To me it seems you have a few options. You can absolutely put your foot down and you would be well within your rights to. The trouble with that from your reply is he would be happy to do nothing that makes it special for the DC (the decorating and games and fancy family stuff) and would just have a very non special day.
I am intrigued as to how he says its just a day, and not special, yet insists it has to be that day for them to come around and no other. Something doesn't add up there.
The other option is to look into doing something away (mini break) so they simply can't come.
Another option to go out for the day/half the day so that noone will be in until their allotted arrival time.
I am trying to help think of feasible ideas as I just simply don't get how he has the control here and can insist and get away with it.
Just because he cooks does not mean he gets to host whoever he wants (as another suggestion read) and have people intrude on your peace in your home. That's just wrong.
I think you may need to be more assertive here and also insist they are not coming but that you will host them together the following day/day after.
If he has an issue with this there is an underlying lie as to what he has previously told you about not doing anything.
The GPs opening presents specifically when you have gone to get drinks etc is very underhand.
As a compromise it may have to be 1 year on and 1 year off (Like I think a lot of families would be) but just because you don't see your own DP on Christmas doesn't mean it has to be his every year. Your children are also entitled to have their own family Christmas too without the intrusions.

I actually felt rage when I read that in the OP. Im a very laid back person .. but my god if someone messed up my Christmas dinner table like that I think I'd lob their stuff back out of the front door!

When I married my ex-husband he had a large extended family and I had none in the UK. I made it clear from the start that we would not be spending every Christmas at my inlaws - my late MIL always put on a big Christmas Day lunch every year.

Luckily my ex in laws were reasonable nice people and accepted it...even though we had no children (and no intention of having any). Myself and the ex both worked long unsociable hours at the time and really valued having Christmas on our own every other year.

I would be telling your husband that you've been more than fair up to now regarding how Christmas is spent and this year you want it to be just your immediate family on the day...and every other year going forward.

It's the same at mine... I spend a fortune in time and energy and my brother and sil and kids, moan, lay on the sofa, burp, fart, moan about being exhausted, eat everything, moan about being too full.
fuck off then!

When my godchildren were small, I used to do the Children's Crib Service at church on Christmas Eve afternoon, then all back to mine on the premise that after dark on Christmas Eve counted, and we did the present opening round the tree, German-style. Well if it's good enough for the Royal Family......then they would go home, stuffed with carbs, to sleep until the Day itself which they spent with grandparents. If church is not your thing, remember that it gets dark very early, so a wintry walk to admire all the local house decorations and whet their appetites means that Daddy could cook in peace while they get some fresh air.
Then, you could you do something cosy just for family, open the presents without snarky comments, and then brace yourself for the 25th.
Do the fancy table setting on 24th; you like it, he's not that fussed (allegedly) and on 25th a simple, unfussy everyday table setup can be seen as going along with his wishes. As for their gifts, why not prime your older DC to exclaim delightedly and call it to your attention as soon as presents are produced "as you don't want to miss it".
If they linger overlong, their DS can entertain his folks while you do their normal bedtime routine, and you and the DC will not have missed the nuclear family bit.

The more I think about this, the more I think you do have a DH problem. Becuase it's the disrespect they're showing you that's as much of a problem as anything else. DH can be a bit too accomodating of his family but he will NOT allow them to ever speak disrepectfully to or about me or the DC. Ever. And he has made that clear from day 1 when he firmly told MIL, about 15 minutes after she met our newborn DS for the first time that no, she didn't get to have an opinion on whether DS was hungry or not.

So, be prepared to properly head off things you KNOW they will do:
"Hi everyone. Merry Christmas. How lovely to see you blah blah blah... come in. I'v ejust finished setting the table so please put your gifts and parcels and bags ovr here rather - I don't want things disrupted"

"No MIL - DC can eat whatever they like at Christmas"

"If you call my child fat, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave. That's completely unacceptable language to use around a child." (or some lighter version - my dad has a few issues with weight so I've had to say similar to him a few times along lines of, "Daaaed, no, we're not saying that. It' snot okay. Please keep your opinions to yourself" but of course, it's easier if you're doing it ot your own parent. But ifyour DH wont' step up, you have to. \

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This might have been asked or answered, but why can't SIL host in laws? Alternative Xmas's between you and her would be fairer and more tolerable, surely.

You don't need to make any excuses OP. I have an alright relationship with my in laws and can enjoy their company but I don't want to spend every Christmas with them either because I have to be "on" to a certain extent and I don't want that every year. Sometimes I want the privacy and comfort that being with my immediate family brings.

The answer to this is a compromise where every other year you host his family and have Christmas just as immediate family in between these years.

If he wouldn't do this I'd 100 per cent be going on strike. No way am I buying presents and cooking dinner when I'm not even allowed to choose the kind of Christmas I enjoy every other year.

Yeah this would annoy me too! My dsis and DN cat-sit for us sometimes (which I'm v grateful for) & cos we live nr London so they can enjoy days out as they normally live 3 hours away. We have 2 cats and one is blind so it's pretty important to leave floors & countertops uncluttered (he's agile and can still easily climb onto worksurfaces) yet she always dumps bags etc on kitchen table and worktops and moves stools etc. Even tho when she arrives those areas are clutter-free. It does grate a bit and I often just move them somewhere more appropriate.

Could they come Christmas Eve for a change? You could then maybe go to midnight mass while they babysit. Then you have a lovely day with your family Christmas Day.

But he does everything at Christmas with regards to hosting so he gets to choose who he hosts!

You’ve got to out your foot down OP! It isn’t normal to see just one side of the family every single year. Most couples would alternate - his side one year, her side the next. Mine and DH’s was even better - both sides one year, just the 4 of us the next.

It’s your turn to decide what you do! A Christmas with just the 4 of you sounds perfect. Why should your poor DC have to put up with being criticised on what is the most magical day of the year for them?

Probably because they know that you clearly don't like them! And probably never has, it's quite telling that you begrude your family being there at Christmas but open your house to have a friend stay for Christmas.
You actually sound jealous that your husband has a good relationship with his family and you don't!

I get it, its not about the cooking etc, its about having a voice and a say in how you spend Christmas Day. Not everyone wants a house full of people, and there's nothing wrong with a family Christmas which is limited to your immediate family. Alternating is a good compromise, if he shuts you down completely and refuses to compromise, I would point out to him that perhaps you have bigger issues to deal with than Christmas.

The person that cooks gets to decide who they host - sorry!

Another vote here for let them come and haul them up on every single rude thing. Bags go on the table: hand them back and point out the work that went into it, excellent comment above asking why presents opened when you’re not in the room, ask them to explain why the children are spoiled, tell them they do not get to comment on your children’s eating habits, remove your kids from the room if they call them fat. Polite but assertive. And no one gets to insult your DC in their own home!!

And tell your DH now all of these things that bother you and you are not going to tolerate it. Up to him what he does with that knowledge.

Tbh I’d say his family have plenty of time to sort a few scratchings of a Turkey leg together and a few carrots, to share between them for their Christmas dinner. Given they don’t like the fuss. So you can easily tell them now, it’s 2 months for them to get the Turkey legs.

"The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?!"
Have you said this to him? Are they the type of people who claim not to want a big fuss on their birthdays and then get all offended if no one makes a fuss?!
And the comments about your dcs bodies and eating need to stop, immediatly. They sound exhausting.
Tell dh how you feel, that youre upset that he thinks a quiet family christmas isnt what he wants, and that he shouldnt always get the final say on what happens. You fund it and do most of the prep, so you get an equal say on what happens. You'vehad X amount of christmases his way, now its time to try something new

I came on to say this! I’d have been apoplectic! It would’ve been like them walking in and smacking me round the face!!! Shocking

I think I'd be massively unreasonable and have the row. Tell him if he wants to see them on the day then he can go to them if he wants and you and the kids can have a quiet one.

Otherwise you go low effort. Don't do any present buying for them and shut down any shit comment that they make.

Exactly. The OP wants herself and the children to have a nice Christmas as she sees fit, not have to just make do like his family approach it.

Tell them to bugger off OP then go to B&M and go mental in the Christmas aisle.

You only have to look at the poll result to see that the vast majority of people agree with you. It sounds like DH is unable-unwilling to stand up to his parents. I think addressing this now will save a lot of heartache down the road. It will be tough but the family he is creating has to take precedence over the family of origin.
its quite reasonable to want a Christmas Day just as your little unit. The others can sort themselves out- there’s plenty of time. Boxing Day is a good compromise. I believe that’s what my parents did when one side of the family was reluctant to relinquish Christmas Day.
(I think there is also lots of nightly passive aggressynastiness and potential exclusion going on with your in laws. Any other times they exclude you and just want son and the kids?)

They’re toxic and mean, you don’t have to host them. Have another discussion with your dh… then say you will come to them on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if they want to see you or wait till next year.